After Military Says No, Trump Must Look Elsewhere for Protest Control. Here are Some Suggestions.

Trump wanted to send 10,000 active-duty troops into the streets of Washington, DC until military aides convinced him otherwise. He has since used everything at his disposal against the demonstrators including personnel from the U.S. Secret Service, National Guard, Customs and Border Protection and more.

Given the growing anti-Trump fervor, this still may not be enough. Here are some other loyal resources he can tap.

  • Mall cops — No one is more imposing than a uniformed person with a badge and a book of Cinnabon coupons.
  • Meter maids — Five words: “Stop or I’ll ticket you!”
  • Unemployed Olive Garden busboys — They’ve got unlimited bread sticks and are not afraid to use them.
  • Civil War impersonators — Isn’t it about time we see what these folks can do in a real fight?
  • Boy Scout Troop 27, Fort Wayne, Indiana — Most have earned their merit badges in Knot Tying and Pepper Spraying.
  • Amazon delivery drivers — Nothing clears a street faster than a wave of hurled packages.
  • “The Bachelor” Runner-up Alumni Association — Imagine an army of rejected women so desperate for any exposure, they’d risk a TMZ clip showing them kneeing a 75-year-old grandmother in the groin.
  • Junior high school hall monitors — These are some of the world’s leading experts in pedestrian flow control and chewing gum detection.
  • Radio City Rockettes — They kick high. They kick ass.
  • Assault rifle-wielding American Yahoos — What better way to audition for the next Trump acting cabinet secretary position?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

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