Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Fall of the Western Roman Empire

Hail everyone.

Well, the big story this week has been the fall of the Roman Empire.

I heard about it from – where else? – a guy in the communal toilet. As the old saying goes: Ask a man for something to clean your butt, and he’ll give you a three-hour commentary on current events.

Because of the fall, there’s no stability in the government. How bad is it? Three of my writers are deposed emperors and another is a laid-off gladiator.

Two more now spend most of their time at Circus Maximus betting on the chariots.

A lot of people are blaming the Empire’s fall on moral decay, although I’ve heard no complaints from our proud sponsor, Orgies-R-Us.

When he heard the news, the eunuch who cleans my office asked me, “Does this mean I can get my testicles back?”

Now you didn’t hear it from me, but things were never the same after we were invaded by Attila the Hun. Nothing personal but never trust anyone who’s name ends with “the Hun” – or begins with “Barbarian King.”

Whoaa, I can see we have some barbarians in the audience. Don’t be so sensitive. My sister-in-law is a barbarian. My brother met her at a “Let’s Pillage a Village” workshop.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Native American Nation After Dark: 1620 Edition

Have you run into any of these people calling themselves Pilgrims who recently arrived in a boat called the Mayflower? Talk about a clueless crew. No “Hello,” no “How are you?” Just “How do we grow corn?” They didn’t teach you that in Pilgrim 101?

They’re now calling our land “Plymouth Colony.” Where did they get such a crazy name, their Century 15 realtor?

Are you getting tired of all their questions about planting, growing and hunting? Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and he won’t stop asking how to catch a herring.

And why the big funny hats with the weird buckle when an understated feather will perfectly complete the outfit?

The Pilgrims seem nice enough, but can you really trust anyone who describes himself as a “puritan?” I mean, who among us hasn’t lusted for another man’s squaw?

Squanto, you know what I’m talking about.

Have any of you been invited to their Thanksgiving dinner? I will be out of there so fast if they seat me at the Wampanoag children’s table.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Invention of the Telephone

I’m sure you’ve all heard about this new thing called the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell. This machine actually allows you to talk with another person at another location, without screaming, “Hey, dummy, over here!”

I could really use one of these. My teenager is always pounding away on the telegraph.

Plus, you won’t suffer from being put on hold when sending smoke signals

Already, my staff is making up lists of gents and ladies they want to dump over the phone rather than in person.

The first words Bell spoke into the phone were, “Mr. Watson, come here – I want to see you.” Really? I think I would’ve gone the prank route with something like, “Hey Watson, help me. I’m stuck in this little box!

And Bell has even bigger plans. By next year he wants to start charging people for long distance calls beyond 75 feet.

But you know what the greatest thing about the telephone is? You can talk to anyone while wearing only your long johns.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Invention of the Wheel

Did you hear about this guy, Grog who invented something called the wheel? Although, pardon me, he now insists on being called Grog the Inventor.

It’s a round wooden disk he claims will make life less unbearable. Hey, if it can stop my wife from complaining about being eaten alive by wild animals, I’m all for it.

They say this wheel could advance civilization. Call me old fashioned but I like carrying heavy loads on my back until I collapse.

And you know the minute Grog told his girlfriend he invented the wheel she said, “Big deal, Loana’s boyfriend invented fire.”

They say the wheels work best in pairs. . Of course, they do. Those inventors are always trying to sell you something extra.

I was actually thinking about buying a used wheel. The salesman said it was owned by a little old lady who only drove to scare evil spirits on Sunday.

We hope you enjoy the rest of the show, if we’re not attacked by a neighboring tribe.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”