Welcome to the show!
Have you run into any of these people calling themselves Pilgrims who recently landed here in a boat called the Mayflower?
Talk about a clueless crew. No “Hello,” no “How are you?” Just “How do we grow corn?” They didn’t teach you that in Pilgrim 101?
They’re now calling our land “Plymouth Colony.” Where did they get such a crazy name? From their Century 15 realtor?
These “pilgrims” seem nice enough, but can you really trust anyone who describes himself as a “puritan?” I mean, who among us hasn’t lusted for another man’s squaw?
Squanto, you know what I’m talking about.
Have any of you been invited to their thanksgiving dinner. I will be out of there so fast if they seat me at the Wampanoag children’s table.
If you do go, be nice and remember: no insults about their funny big hats with the weird buckle. What’s up with that?
Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”