Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – 5 Comments Overheard from Inside the Trojan Horse

You’ve all heard the news the Greeks destroyed Troy in a surprise attack after entering the city in a giant wooden horse. Here are some comments overheard inside the big stallion:

“I requested a window seat.”

“I’m no military strategist, but I would’ve gone with a big wooden turtle.”

“Your seat cushion can be used as a battering device.”

“Remember, don’t yell ‘Surprise!’ It’s not a birthday party.”

“Are we there yet?”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Building of the Great Pyramid

They finally finished the Great Pyramid of Giza. I was pleasantly surprised. I was expecting the Fair-to-Middling Pyramid of Giza.

I like this Pyramid even though, truth be told, I’ve always been a sphere guy.

The Pyramid was built as a tomb for Pharaoh Khufu. I hope wherever he is, he’s happy with it. If it were me, the minute I died, I’d be thinking, “Dammit, I should’ve requested more shelf space.”

It’s the tallest man-made structure in the world. Although, when the builders of the Sphinx heard about it, they quickly announced plans to give their giant monument taller cat ears.

The Pyramid was built by quarrying an estimated 2.3 million gigantic blocks weighing six million tons total, which comes to approximately 1.5 hernias per block.

And contrary to what most people are saying, slave labor was not used to build the pyramid. Everyone was paid – at least according to the Brotherhood of Indentured Servants Union.

Some of the workers are with us tonight. Please stand up if you can.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Declaration of Independence

Did you hear, our 13 Colonies have declared independence from England. Bad news for anyone who just bought one or those “World’s Greatest Monarch” tea cups.

Even worse news if you’re expecting your employees to work on the Fourth of July.

The Declaration was drawn up by the Second Continental Congress which has been meeting in Philadelphia. It would’ve taken less time but they spent days looking for a word that rhymed with “unalienable.”

Thomas Jefferson, Mr. Smarty Breeches, composed the original draft. We all went to school with guys like him – the ones who’d never let you copy off their calligraphy.

We’re now called the United States of America – although two founders from Massachusetts, who will remain anonymous, lobbied pretty hard for “Adamsville.”

The document lists 27 grievances against King George III – and that doesn’t even include his wardrobe and grooming habits.

The document includes: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” Tell that to our audience members who had to sit up in the nosebleed seats.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Monologues Through the Ages – Darwin Publishes “On the Origin of Species”

Have you read this book? “On the Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin? Apparently, my description of my brother-in-law as an incompetent baboon isn’t that far off.

The book talks about something called natural selection, also referred to as survival of the fittest. I’d like to think there are other reasons for me being here other than one of my distant relatives outwrestled a clam.

Ladies, would you go out with any man asks, “Care to come back to my place and evolve?”

Darwin’s book is changing the way everybody looks at things. For example, Charles Dickens just updated “Great Expectations,” introducing Miss Havisham’s distant cousin, Petula Platypus.

And get this: Darwin married his cousin, Emma Wedgwood. I’m no biologist but this is starting to sound like the survival of the creepiest.

Darwin is also taking some heat from the Church of England because his theory contradicts the belief in divine creation. I’m not getting into this fight, but I find it hard to believe an Omnibenevolent God created my mother-in-law.

Darwin did a lot of research on the Galápagos Islands. Can we pause here and give the cue card guy a round of applause for correctly spelling Galápagos?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Completion of First Trans Continental Railroad

Today, they finally finished the Trans Continental Railroad. At last, you can ride coast to coast while sitting next to a guy with a chicken on his lap.

The ceremony culminated as the presidents of the Union Pacific and Central Pacific railroads pounded a golden spike into the rail line. Five minutes later, a prospector parked his mule on it and staked a claim.

The two railroads would’ve been joined sooner but one line accidentally ended up in Canada.

They didn’t realize they’d made a mistake until they tried to link up to a team of Canadian sled dogs.

Before this new railroad connection, it could take up to six months to cross the country – which is pretty unbearable if your child keeps whining, “Are we there yet?”

The railroad companies also worked out a deal with the U.S. Postal Service: All Pony Express horses can now ride for free.

Call me old fashioned but no transcontinental trip is complete for me without circling the wagons at night and having a trail guide named Gabby bore me with campfire stories.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”