Today, they finally finished the Trans Continental Railroad. At last, you can ride coast to coast while sitting next to a guy with a chicken on his lap.
The ceremony culminated as the presidents of the Union Pacific and Central Pacific railroads pounded a golden spike into the rail line. Five minutes later, a prospector parked his mule on it and staked a claim.
The two railroads would’ve been joined sooner but one line accidentally ended up in Canada.
They didn’t realize they’d made a mistake until they tried to link up to a team of Canadian sled dogs.
Before this new railroad connection, it could take up to six months to cross the country – which is pretty unbearable if your child keeps whining, “Are we there yet?”
The railroad companies also worked out a deal with the U.S. Postal Service: All Pony Express horses can now ride for free.
Call me old fashioned but no transcontinental trip is complete for me without circling the wagons at night and having a trail guide named Gabby bore me with campfire stories.
Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”