Late Night Monologues Through the Ages – Darwin Publishes “On the Origin of Species”

Have you read this book? “On the Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin? Apparently, my description of my brother-in-law as an incompetent baboon isn’t that far off.

The book talks about something called natural selection, also referred to as survival of the fittest. I’d like to think there are other reasons for me being here other than one of my distant relatives outwrestled a clam.

Ladies, would you go out with any man asks, “Care to come back to my place and evolve?”

Darwin’s book is changing the way everybody looks at things. For example, Charles Dickens just updated “Great Expectations,” introducing Miss Havisham’s distant cousin, Petula Platypus.

And get this: Darwin married his cousin, Emma Wedgwood. I’m no biologist but this is starting to sound like the survival of the creepiest.

Darwin is also taking some heat from the Church of England because his theory contradicts the belief in divine creation. I’m not getting into this fight, but I find it hard to believe an Omnibenevolent God created my mother-in-law.

Darwin did a lot of research on the Galápagos Islands. Can we pause here and give the cue card guy a round of applause for correctly spelling Galápagos?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”