Late Night Monologues Through the Ages – Darwin Publishes “On the Origin of Species”

How are you doin’ out there!

Have you read this book? “On the Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin? Apparently, my description of my brother-in-law as an incompetent baboon wasn’t that far off.

Darwin claims we all descended from common ancestors. That’s all I need: even more relatives hitting me up for a loan.

The book talks about something called natural selection, also referred to as survival of the fittest. I’d like to think there are other reasons for me being here other than the fact that one of my distant relatives outwrestled a clam.

And get this: Darwin married his cousin, Emma Wedgwood. I’m no biologist but this is starting to sound like the survival of the creepiest.

Ladies, would you go out with anyone who asks, “Care to come back to my place and evolve?”

Darwin’s book is changing the way everybody looks at things. For example, Charles Dickens just updated “Great Expectations,” introducing Miss Havisham’s distant cousin, Petula Platypus.

Darwin did a lot of research on the Galápagos Islands. Can we pause here and give the cue card guy a round of applause for correctly spelling Galápagos?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

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