Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Declaration of Independence

Did you hear, our 13 Colonies have declared independence from England. Bad news for anyone who just bought one or those “World’s Greatest Monarch” tea cups.

Even worse news if you’re expecting your employees to work on the Fourth of July.

The Declaration was drawn up by the Second Continental Congress which has been meeting in Philadelphia. It would’ve taken less time but they spent days looking for a word that rhymed with “unalienable.”

Thomas Jefferson, Mr. Smarty Breeches, composed the original draft. We all went to school with guys like him – the ones who’d never let you copy off their calligraphy.

We’re now called the United States of America – although two founders from Massachusetts, who will remain anonymous, lobbied pretty hard for “Adamsville.”

The document lists 27 grievances against King George III – and that doesn’t even include his wardrobe and grooming habits.

The document includes: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” Tell that to our audience members who had to sit up in the nosebleed seats.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”