Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Declaration of Independence

Good evening ye all.

Did you hear, our Thirteen Colonies have declared independence from England. Bad news for anyone who just bought one or those “World’s Greatest Monarch” tea cups.

The Declaration was drawn up by the Second Continental Congress which has been meeting in Philadelphia. All I can say to the First Continental Congress is: Was that so hard, fellas?

We’re now called the United States of America – although two founders from Massachusetts, who will remain anonymous, lobbied pretty hard for “Adamsville.”

Fifty-Seven men signed the document. There would’ve been more had John Hancock not hogged so much space.

Thomas Jefferson, Mr. Smarty Breeches, composed the original draft. We all went to school with guys like that – the ones who’d never let you copy off their calligraphy.

Actually, the Declaration was signed on July 2, but some firecracker salesmen said, “Trust us, the Fourth has a much better ring.”

I’m told Ben Franklin is still fuming that his line “An apple a day keeps the British away” didn’t make the final draft.

The document includes: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” Tell that to our audience members who had to sit in the balcony. 

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

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