Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Elisha Otis Invents the Elevator

Tonight’s guest is Elisha Otis who’s invented a contraption called the elevator. It’s a tiny room that moves people up and down in buildings. Do you know what this means? We can now experience what it’s like to be a plate of baked potatoes riding in a dumbwaiter.

Can you imagine experiencing the feeling of a room rising and lowering without having one drink?

The elevator is pulled up and down with a thin metal cable strong enough to support at least three pianos or six overweight relatives.

Imagine the interesting conversations you’ll have riding down from the fourth floor: “How are you?”, “Nice hat”, “Do you think we’ll crash?”

Here’s a thought: How about putting a small band in the elevator for background music – or at the very least, a guy who can whistle a lot of tunes.

I’d install one, if only to lower me into the pit where my writers work.

According to Mr. Otis, orders for his elevator have been flying in – including many from short men who’ve only dreamed of kissing a tall woman.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Rejected Titles for the Book “Moby Dick”

Michael Dick

Moby, Moby Not

The Annoying Captain Ahab

Spouting Off

The Agony and the Blubbery

Queequeg the Lovable Cannibal

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Catherine the Great

Here’s a bit of juicy gossip: Remember Catherine the Great, the last reigning Empress Regnant of Russia, our fair and just leader who would have you beheaded for calling her “Catherine the Conventional”?

She’s been dead for a number of years, and some folks who will remain anonymous are implying she didn’t actually die of natural causes. She died of – how can I put this gently –while doing the dirty deed with a male member of the equine persuasion.

Is it fair to accuse someone of such a scandalous act when they’re not here to defend themselves? I mean, for all we know she and the horse were just friends.

It is true Catherine had between 12 and 22 male lovers throughout her life, but who among us hasn’t gone on a date where the first thing we’re told is get in line and take a number?

Quite honestly, if my name ended with “the Great,” you better believe I might use it to get my Debauchery Card punched.

The one I feel sorry for is the guy she might have dumped before the horse. How do you compete with that?

We’ll never know what really happened. I’d hate, however, to see a reputation she worked so long and hard to create and maintain be destroyed by one tiny impulsive act of being accidentally crushed while having relations with a farm animal.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

What Harry Houdini Is Thinking While Trying to Escape

Damm, I look svelte in a straitjacket!

Should I be dunked in water less than an hour after eating?

I can easily unlock a pair of handcuffs, but I can never remember my house key.

The lock and chain salesman overcharged me.

To think this all started when I had to explain to my wife why I was handcuffed to a prostitute.

I can escape from this giant milk can; why can’t I figure out how to get out of dinner with my in-laws?

Remember what the doctor said: Stop holding your breath when bubbles start coming out of your ears.

It would be so much easier pulling rabbits out of my hat.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – President William Howard Taft

Rumor has it that President William Howard Taft, who weighs in at 350 pounds, got stuck in a White House bath tub and needed six men to pull him free. That’s a big president. How big?

He’s so big he buys his suits at a circus tent store.

He’s so big his motto his “Remember the Maine Course.”

He’s so big he vetoes any bill that doesn’t include a dessert menu.

He’s so big Teddy Roosevelt mistook one of his chins for San Juan Hill.

He’s so big his most important cabinet position is reaching in one for a drumstick.

He’s so big he’s not only a trust buster, he’s a button popper.

He’s so big his shadow blocks out Maryland.

But we love the president.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Suggestion Box Submissions at Newly Opened Eiffel Tower

Tower needs to be adjusted so it doesn’t appear to be giving England the finger.

1,665 stairs to the top? That’s inhumane! How about providing man servants to carry tourists up and down on their backs?

Cancel my previous suggestion. I just found the passenger lift. So why no man servants to carry tourists on and off the passenger lift?

If this massive structure is going to have four legs, the least you can do is give it four massive fluffy slippers.

Remove the “Eiffel Toilets” signs over restrooms.

The damn thing is blocking my view of the Champ de Mars. Can you move it three feet to the left?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Marco Polo

Marco Polo returned to Venice after twenty-four years of traveling through Asia along the Silk Road. Amazingly, his cat was still sitting in the window ignoring him.

He’s one of the first Europeans to explore the vast Orient which includes many peoples and cultures. He’s also become one of the first humans to ask in multiple languages, “Can you point me to your restroom?”

Actually, Marco’s father and uncle had first journeyed to Asia before him. He decided to go there himself after his dad brought him back a silk housecoat embroidered with: “Someone Visited China and All I Got Was This Lousy Robe.”

While in China, Polo served for seventeen years as Chinese Emperor Kublai Khan’s foreign emissary. I feel like such an underachiever. When I was his age, I was picking up girls with a hand cart.

Marco Polo’s account of his travels through the Orient give the first references to paper money. Is this a great innovation? Who wants to mix up their currency with their toilet paper?

After being captured by Genoans and thrown into prison, Polo dictated details of his travels to a fellow inmate, Rustichello da Pisa – which probably explains why an earlier draft includes a Chinese love interest with giant bazongas.

Marco will be on the show next week to plug his book and do some wild tricks with a substance he discovered called gunpowder.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

5 Signs You Are a Salem Witch Possessed by The Devil

You’ve signed up for a caldron stirring workshop.

You’ve named your children Lucyfer, and Beelzeboobala.

Your Puritan ideals of self-control and discipline have been supplanted by slow waltzing with beavers and squirrels.

You’ve started speaking in tongues, except your tongue now speaks perfect Latin.

You are haunted each night by an evil spirit that repeatedly wails: “Stop hogging the blanket.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Lewis and Clark Expedition

Meriwether Lewis and William Clark finally returned from their 8000-mile expedition, exploring lands west of the Mississippi. They brought back 83 newly-created maps and a ton of dirty laundry.

Imagine that, 8000 miles! And my assistant whines every time I send him across the street to buy me a sarsaparilla.

President Jefferson appointed Lewis the expedition commander; although, not to ruffle any feathers, he appointed Clark “Executive Vice Chief in Charge of Logistics and Flannel Shirts.”

Their journey took two years. This is why they didn’t send a husband-and-wife team. That would’ve definitely been a relationship breaker.

The expedition encountered about 50 Native American tribes. That means they had to learn 50 different ways to say, “Help us! We don’t know where the hell we are!”

Although Lewis and Clark failed to find a Northwest Passage water route across the continent, they did find a little Sioux Bed & Breakfast to die for – and didn’t.

During their trip, they identified at least 120 animal specimens – which wasn’t easy since many were also man-eating specimens.

In honor of Lewis and Clark’s magnificent achievement, we’re giving everyone in our audience a free compass and map to help find their way back to the lobby.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”