Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Lewis and Clark Expedition

Meriwether Lewis and William Clark finally returned from their 8000-mile expedition, exploring lands west of the Mississippi. They brought back 83 newly-created maps and a ton of dirty laundry.

Imagine that, 8000 miles! And my assistant whines every time I send him across the street to buy me a sarsaparilla.

President Jefferson appointed Lewis the expedition commander; although, not to ruffle any feathers, he appointed Clark “Executive Vice Chief in Charge of Logistics and Flannel Shirts.”

Their journey took two years. This is why they didn’t send a husband-and-wife team. That would’ve definitely been a relationship breaker.

The expedition encountered about 50 Native American tribes. That means they had to learn 50 different ways to say, “Help us! We don’t know where the hell we are!”

Although Lewis and Clark failed to find a Northwest Passage water route across the continent, they did find a little Sioux Bed & Breakfast to die for – and didn’t.

During their trip, they identified at least 120 animal specimens – which wasn’t easy since many were also man-eating specimens.

In honor of Lewis and Clark’s magnificent achievement, we’re giving everyone in our audience a free compass and map to help find their way back to the lobby.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”