You’ve signed up for a caldron stirring workshop.
You’ve named your children Lucyfer, and Beelzeboobala.
Your Puritan ideals of self-control and discipline have been supplanted by slow waltzing with beavers and squirrels.
You’ve started speaking in tongues, except your tongue now speaks perfect Latin.
You are haunted each night by an evil spirit that repeatedly wails: “Stop hogging the blanket.”
Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”