What Harry Houdini Is Thinking While Trying to Escape

Damm, I look svelte in a straitjacket!

Should I be dunked in water less than an hour after eating?

I can easily unlock a pair of handcuffs, but I can never remember my house key.

The lock and chain salesman overcharged me.

To think this all started when I had to explain to my wife why I was handcuffed to a prostitute.

I can escape from this giant milk can; why can’t I figure out how to get out of dinner with my in-laws?

Remember what the doctor said: Stop holding your breath when bubbles start coming out of your ears.

It would be so much easier pulling rabbits out of my hat.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

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