Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Catherine the Great

Here’s a bit of juicy gossip: Remember Catherine the Great, the last reigning Empress Regnant of Russia, our fair and just leader who would have you beheaded for calling her “Catherine the Conventional”?

She’s been dead for a number of years, and some folks who will remain anonymous are implying she didn’t actually die of natural causes. She died of – how can I put this gently –while doing the dirty deed with a male member of the equine persuasion.

Is it fair to accuse someone of such a scandalous act when they’re not here to defend themselves? I mean, for all we know she and the horse were just friends.

It is true Catherine had between 12 and 22 male lovers throughout her life, but who among us hasn’t gone on a date where the first thing we’re told is get in line and take a number?

Quite honestly, if my name ended with “the Great,” you better believe I might use it to get my Debauchery Card punched.

The one I feel sorry for is the guy she might have dumped before the horse. How do you compete with that?

We’ll never know what really happened. I’d hate, however, to see a reputation she worked so long and hard to create and maintain be destroyed by one tiny impulsive act of being accidentally crushed while having relations with a farm animal.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

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