Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – California Gold Rush

If you’re wondering why it took so long to be seated tonight, three of our ushers are in California panning for gold. Fortunately, we’ve chained the other three to the ticket booth.

The rush started when James Marchall discovered gold at Sutter’s Mill in Coloma, California – which led Sutter’s wife to ask: “Dummy, you’ve been cutting wood on top of a gold mine?”

Everybody is heading west to strike it rich. Even the women’s clothing shop down the street has a sign in its window that reads: “California or Bustier.”

The line of people streaming into California is so long the last guy is still waiting in Utah.

The mining camps have been described as lawless and violent. In fact, one man was shot after he was caught panning for gold in another man’s beer.

Since most of the people prospecting for gold are men, the bordellos are doing a booming business – including one lovely lady named Marigold “Wait Your Turn” Delaney.

We have some former gold panners in the audience. They’re the ones wearing spiffy barrels.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”