Suggestion Box Submissions at Newly Opened Eiffel Tower

Tower needs to be adjusted so it doesn’t appear to be giving England the finger.

1,665 stairs to the top? That’s inhumane! How about providing man servants to carry tourists up and down on their backs?

Cancel my previous suggestion. I just found the passenger lift. So why no man servants to carry tourists on and off the passenger lift?

If this massive structure is going to have four legs, the least you can do is give it four massive fluffy slippers.

Remove the “Eiffel Toilets” signs over restrooms.

The damn thing is blocking my view of the Champ de Mars. Can you move it three feet to the left?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Lewis and Clark Expedition

Meriwether Lewis and William Clark finally returned from their 8000-mile expedition, exploring lands west of the Mississippi. They brought back 83 newly-created maps and a ton of dirty laundry.

Imagine that, 8000 miles! And my assistant whines every time I send him across the street to buy me a sarsaparilla.

President Jefferson appointed Lewis the expedition commander; although, not to ruffle any feathers, he appointed Clark “Executive Vice Chief in Charge of Logistics and Flannel Shirts.”

Their journey took two years. This is why they didn’t send a husband-and-wife team. That would’ve definitely been a relationship breaker.

The expedition encountered about 50 Native American tribes. That means they had to learn 50 different ways to say, “Help us! We don’t know where the hell we are!”

Although Lewis and Clark failed to find a Northwest Passage water route across the continent, they did find a little Sioux Bed & Breakfast to die for – and didn’t.

During their trip, they identified at least 120 animal specimens – which wasn’t easy since many were also man-eating specimens.

In honor of Lewis and Clark’s magnificent achievement, we’re giving everyone in our audience a free compass and map to help find their way back to the lobby.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Fall of the Western Roman Empire

Hail everyone.

Well, the big story this week has been the fall of the Roman Empire.

I heard about it from – where else? – a guy in the communal toilet. As the old saying goes: Ask a man for something to clean your butt, and he’ll give you a three-hour commentary on current events.

Because of the fall, there’s no stability in the government. How bad is it? Three of my writers are deposed emperors and another is a laid-off gladiator.

Two more now spend most of their time at Circus Maximus betting on the chariots.

A lot of people are blaming the Empire’s fall on moral decay, although I’ve heard no complaints from our proud sponsor, Orgies-R-Us.

When he heard the news, the eunuch who cleans my office asked me, “Does this mean I can get my testicles back?”

Now you didn’t hear it from me, but things were never the same after we were invaded by Attila the Hun. Nothing personal but never trust anyone who’s name ends with “the Hun” – or begins with “Barbarian King.”

Whoaa, I can see we have some barbarians in the audience. Don’t be so sensitive. My sister-in-law is a barbarian. My brother met her at a “Let’s Pillage a Village” workshop.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Native American Nation After Dark: 1620 Edition

Have you run into any of these people calling themselves Pilgrims who recently arrived in a boat called the Mayflower? Talk about a clueless crew. No “Hello,” no “How are you?” Just “How do we grow corn?” They didn’t teach you that in Pilgrim 101?

They’re now calling our land “Plymouth Colony.” Where did they get such a crazy name, their Century 15 realtor?

Are you getting tired of all their questions about planting, growing and hunting? Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and he won’t stop asking how to catch a herring.

And why the big funny hats with the weird buckle when an understated feather will perfectly complete the outfit?

The Pilgrims seem nice enough, but can you really trust anyone who describes himself as a “puritan?” I mean, who among us hasn’t lusted for another man’s squaw?

Squanto, you know what I’m talking about.

Have any of you been invited to their Thanksgiving dinner? I will be out of there so fast if they seat me at the Wampanoag children’s table.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Invention of the Telephone

I’m sure you’ve all heard about this new thing called the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell. This machine actually allows you to talk with another person at another location, without screaming, “Hey, dummy, over here!”

I could really use one of these. My teenager is always pounding away on the telegraph.

Plus, you won’t suffer from being put on hold when sending smoke signals

Already, my staff is making up lists of gents and ladies they want to dump over the phone rather than in person.

The first words Bell spoke into the phone were, “Mr. Watson, come here – I want to see you.” Really? I think I would’ve gone the prank route with something like, “Hey Watson, help me. I’m stuck in this little box!

And Bell has even bigger plans. By next year he wants to start charging people for long distance calls beyond 75 feet.

But you know what the greatest thing about the telephone is? You can talk to anyone while wearing only your long johns.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”