Ben’s Joke Newsletters

Do you like jokes?

I write for late night talk show hosts, comedians and anyone who needs something funny  to say. Visit my website site at: bennettalper.com.

Below are samples of my two weekly email newsletters: Ben Alper’s News in Jokes and Bay State Bombast (humorous Massachusetts news).

Ben Alper’s News in Jokes – sample

Oct. 2, 2020

Trump said Thursday night that he and first lady Melania tested positive for the coronavirus and are quarantining. Minutes later the White House was covered by a giant mask.

Vladimir Putin offered “sincere support in this difficult moment” to Trump and Melania after they tested positive for coronavirus. He also reassured them, “…and don’t worry, we’re already working on your clone.”

Earlier in the day, Trump finally condemned “all white supremacists.” And then said, “and if I’m not being sincere, may God give me coronavirus.”

NASA astronaut Kate Rubins plans to cast her vote for the presidential election on the International Space Station. However, Republicans insist she must submit her ballot in person, citing widespread interplanetary voting fraud.

Brad Parscale, who was arrested outside his home in Florida after threatening suicide while holding a handgun during a confrontation with his wife, will be stepping away from his job at the Trump campaign – which is unusual. These are usually the things that cause Trump to hire you.

Coal tycoon Robert Murray, 80, who for years opposed more stringent coal dust regulations, has applied for federal black lung benefits. He also put a sign in his front yard that reads: “Black Lungs Matter.”

102-year-old retired Chicago teacher, Bea Lumpkin wore a hazmat suit to cast her mail-in ballot – then began her shift as a Grubhub delivery person.

For the first time since the Great Depression, the majority of young adults in the U.S. live with their parents. In fact, experts believe by 2024 the next presidential candidate will announce his/her candidacy from his/her folk’s basement.

NASA is testing a new $23 million titanium space toilet. It’s the first toilet in which the handle can be jiggled in zero gravity.

A bandit dressed in a chipmunk costume robbed a Louisiana pharmacy. He got away with 10 bags of nuts.

Bay State Bombast – sample

Sept. 30, 2020

A 54-year-old Mass. construction worker and pack-a-day smoker died after eating only black licorice for 3 weeks – despite the fact it was free range organic licorice.

Doctors said the only people they’ve seen this ill after eating that much licorice were the ones watching last night’s presidential debate.

A Westhampton church was forced to relocate its food pantry after it was raided by bears. It’s also rethinking its all-you-can-eat honey bar.

Lifeguards in Wellfleet discovered a shark’s spine. So far, the only reported missing spines have been at the Mass. State House.

A reported shark sighting at a beach in Fairhaven turned out to be unfounded. It actually was a large-nosed man doing the backstroke.

A rally to support Trump in Natick turned violent after a car crashed into a pole and heated scuffles erupted. However, the MAGA group was heartened to learn Trump plans to award the Presidential Medal of Freedom to the pole.

Elections officials in Boston are expected to approve Fenway Park as an early voting venue. The team plans to charge $5 for a beer, $10 for a hot dog and $25 for a ballot.

A Worcester man has been accused of driving a stolen delivery truck into the police station. He was also charged with robbing a set of handcuffs and kidnapping his defense lawyer.

Suffolk County District Attorney Rachael Rollins released a list of 135 police officers charged with crimes or misconduct. If fact, one of them was recently apprehended after chasing himself through 8 red lights.

Self-serve beverage stations have been allowed to reopen at Mass. convenience stores. Also, wives can once again yell at their husbands, “Get your own damn beer!”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”