South Dakota Republican Rep Dusty Johnson asked his constituents to decide whether he should receive the COVID-19 vaccine now or wait until it is widely available. The response has been so strong, Johnson has decided to poll his voters on other issues.
“Should I order pepperoni or sausage on my pizza”?
“If my wife is out and I get a phone call asking ‘Is the woman of the house is there,’ should I say no or fake a woman’s voice and say, ‘This is she.’”
“Hypothetically speaking, if my political opponent claims he has a video of me illegally parking in a handicapped space in 2012, should I own up to my misdeed or claim I was saving the spot for my mother’s mobility scooter”?
“If I am continually criticized for being noncommittal and indecisive, should I hire a consultant to help me formulate a forceful and convincing response?”
Emily Wells ’72 – After procrastinating for many years, I’m finally taking kazoo lessons.
Jacob Stein ’68 – I found my other pair of glasses.
Ernie Wallis ’10 – My wife and I joined a progressive political action committee which turned out to be a cult. It also partially explains why I’m writing this note with my own blood.
Cynthia Hastings ’12 – We adopted a beautiful Labrador retriever named Bailey and are now in a legal battle with its birth mother.
Nicholas Page ’78 – This year marks the twenty-fifth year our son has been living in our basement.
Nicholas Page Jr. ’91 – This year marks the twenty-fifth year I’ve been living in my parent’s basement.
George Stanky ’77 – My colleagues at the MIT Robotics department honored me with a lifetime achievement award. My wife, 38C-8D7 and I celebrated by taking a long-planned trip to Greece.
Alice Lerthy ’95 – Now that our last child has flown the nest, it’s just my husband, Lewis and I in our beautifully restored 20-room Victorian house. To give him more space, I’m building a 15-room she shed.
Tom Fortuna ’19 – I was honored by Subway for purchasing my 500th Footlong sandwich.
Ron Neel ’05 – I reconnected with Mary Strickland-Souza ’05 at our 15th reunion. Pending her divorce to Phil Souza ’05, we plan to move to Manhasset.
Phil Souza ’05 – I’m just beginning to get over the trauma of discovering my wife, Mary Strickland-Souza ’05 in Ron Neel ’05’s Holiday Inn room during our 15th reunion.
Ralph Willborne ’65 – I sold my company for 10 billion dollars. To this day, I still have no idea what we manufactured.
Lilly Tosh ’07 – Contrary to what you may have read in the news, our daughter Tiffany was accepted to our wonderful college on her own merit. Our $500,00 contribution to the school’s badminton program was purely coincidental.
Tara Tinsley ’15 – I’m currently on a book tour promoting my twelfth semi-autobiographical novel, “The Secret Life of a Lactose Intolerant Data Analyst.”
Steve Greely ’12 – I’m still living in my dorm room. This semester I will have audited my one thousandth course.
Speed dating is a great way to quickly meet a lot of potential mates. Why spend an evening getting to know one person who likes candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach when you can meet ten or twenty?
Neil, a freelance card counter from Reno, Nevada has one gone one step further. He has embraced speed relationships. “I enjoy companionship, but I’m basically a solitary person who needs his own space. After 90 minutes with someone, I’m ready to move on, go home and stare into the abyss.”
Now, using dating apps, he’s had over 1000 fulfilling relationships in the last six months.
“Speed relationships perfectly suit my lifestyle. After meeting someone online, having a great dinner and an interesting conversation, I’m ready to suggest we should start seeing other people. It doesn’t mean I’m not a romantic. I’ll always cherish our hour together as well as the Ultimate Nachos special.”
Neil says speed relationships have other advantages.
It’s the one and only time you’ll meet. There’s no chance your date will ever complain, “We never go anywhere!”
Ambivalence about introducing your new girl or guy to your parents is never an issue – unless they’re sitting in the booth next to you.
Height disparities are irrelevant since the relationship will probably conclude with both people sitting down.
As long as you space your dates at least ten minutes apart, infidelity will never be an issue.
You’ll be long gone before the thrill is gone.
Consider giving speed relationships a try. And remember, love is never having to say, “I promise I’ll call you.”
Finding work in any job market is not easy. Finding work in today’s “new normal” job market is even tougher. The key, as always, is to stand out among the crowd. Here are some tips that can help give you an edge up on the competition.
Research the company with which you’ll be interviewing. For example, does it have a comprehensive COVID-19 policy? Or do they have Friday afternoon hydroxychloroquine chugging parties?
Wearing a mask is now standard garb for all interviews. Wearing a ski mask is only required when interviewing for an armed robbery team.
Many job interviews are now conducted by phone. Avoid rookie mistakes like asking, “How much does the job pay?” or “What are you wearing?”
Job interviews are also now conducted on video conferencing apps like Zoom and Facetime. Dress appropriately during these meetings. For example, avoid wearing outfits that reveal large tattoos – particularly tattoos on your buttocks.
Your background during video interviews also says a lot about you. A neatly organized bookcase is good. A neatly stacked pile of empty Ben & Jerry containers is not.
Have an updated resume available. And remember, you haven’t been laying on your couch for the past five months. You’ve been doing research on binge watching Netflix during a pandemic.
Treat everyone you encounter with respect. For instance, this may be the first time you’ve spoken to a human being in months, but don’t blame anyone for the fact your boyfriend left you for the Grubhub delivery guy.
Don’t appear resentful if your interviewer uses your “I guess this is the new normal” line before you have a chance to.
Don’t say anything negative about your previous employers – particularly the employer who fired you for self-quarantining in her executive bathroom.
Score a success in the first five minutes. In this day and age, the company may declare bankruptcy after that.
Ashley and I had been dating for twelve and one half hours before deciding to move in together. Minutes later we were in lock-down.
In retrospect, we may have rushed things. It’s now been five months and I still haven’t gotten used to her whistling through her nose while she flosses her teeth. And for some unexplained reason, she seems irritated by my yodeling during sex.
I realize it takes time for couples to get to know each other, but have we jumped the cohabitating gun?
Suffocating in Southampton
Living together often gets off to a rocky start, but your differences may not be insurmountable. Just because someone whistles while they floss shouldn’t make you ignore their better qualities, like healthy gums. And who hasn’t yodeled a tune or two while in the throes of passionate lovemaking?
The important thing to remember is love conquers all, except in my case, getting use to a cyborg that processes data with its mouth full. There are, after all, limits to everything.
Dear Robot Woman,
I’m dating a guy who is perfect in almost every way except for one thing: He doesn’t believe in wearing a mask — anywhere. He thinks it’s a violation of his constitutional rights, plus he loves catching insects with his tongue. He claims they’re a great source of protein.
His refusal to wear face covering has already cost him nine jobs including four as an operating surgeon. I know he’s wrong, but every time I threaten to leave him he surprises me with a romantic dinner of broiled crickets. After that, I’m putty in his hands. Should I give him another chance or find a more responsible partner who doesn’t bug me.
Hopping helpless in Tuscaloosa
So you’re worried about ending a relationship with a selfish man who isn’t concerned about transmitting a deadly disease; who catches insects with his tongue; and whose idea of romance is serving you a plate of dead insects?
Give me a call. I’d like to introduce you to my sister’s no-good, unemployed android that still lives in her basement.
History could be made when self-absorbed, deep thinker extraordinaire, Dolly Lama attempts a record-setting journey to her previously-unexplored emotional depths. No one has ever focused longer and more intensely on inconsequential and mundane thoughts than she, but this could be her deepest self-absorption yet.
Lama, who last year spent an amazing 329 consecutive hours wondering why a Tinder date hadn’t called her back, plans to go further while obsessing about a workmate who gave her a funny look when she asked for the time.
She also holds a previous record of 297 hours set while questioning her decision to wear a striped halter top at a friend’s cookout. That record was broken shortly after by Leo Lawnfeld who spent 311 hours fixating on an old girlfriend who left him for a gender fluid airline pilot.
Dolly has been unintentionally training hard. Her daily workout regimen includes:
Wondering why she’s never had a successful long-term relationship.
Wondering why she’s never had a successful short-term relationship.
Questioning why as a child she didn’t sell more Girl Scout cookies.
Contemplating whether she’s responsible for her sister joining a book discussion group dedicated to the works of Sidney Sheldon.
Worrying if anyone will notice her new Zoom background.
Feeling guilty because she told an automated phone solicitation to F*ck off.
Asked why she spends most of her waking hours consumed in her own thoughts, Lama thought for a few days and responded, “That’s a good question. I’ll get back to you next year with an answer.”