Late Night Monologues Through the Ages – Fall of the Western Roman Empire

Hail everyone.

Well, the big story this week has been the fall of the Roman Empire.

I would’ve heard about it sooner, but I was in the communal toilet extricating myself from a bad dish of lamb’s brain.

There’s no stability in the government. How bad is it? Three of my writers are deposed emperors and the fourth is a laid-off gladiator.

A lot of people are blaming the Empire’s fall on moral decay – at least that’s what I’m hearing from my wife who used to be my slave that I castrated.

Now you didn’t hear it from me, but things were never the same after we were invaded by Attila the Hun. Nothing personal but never trust anyone who’s name ends with “the Hun” – or begins with “barbarian king.”

Whoaa, I can see we have some barbarians in the audience. Don’t be so sensitive. My sister-in-law is a barbarian. My brother met her at a Raping and Pillaging mixer.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Monologues Through the Ages – Native American Nation After Dark: 1620 Edition

Welcome to the show!

Have you run into any of these people calling themselves Pilgrims who recently landed here in a boat called the Mayflower?

Talk about a clueless crew. No “Hello,” no “How are you?” Just “How do we grow corn?” They didn’t teach you that in Pilgrim 101?

They’re now calling our land “Plymouth Colony.” Where did they get such a crazy name? From their Century 15 realtor?

These “pilgrims” seem nice enough, but can you really trust anyone who describes himself as a “puritan?” I mean, who among us hasn’t lusted for another man’s squaw?

Squanto, you know what I’m talking about.

Have any of you been invited to their thanksgiving dinner. I will be out of there so fast if they seat me at the Wampanoag children’s table.

If you do go, be nice and remember: no insults about their funny big hats with the weird buckle. What’s up with that?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Monologues Through the Ages – Invention of the Telephone

Welcome to the show!

I’m sure you’ve all heard about this new thing called the telephone. It’s a machine that actually allows you to talk with another person at another location.

It’s kind of like smoke signals that don’t sting your eyes.

I could really use one of these. My teenager is always yakking away on the telegraph.

It was invented by a man named Alexander Graham Bell. Ever notice big things are always invented by people with three names: Alexander Graham Bell, James Clerk Maxwell? Just once I’d like to see something amazing created by a guy named Zeke.

The first words Bell spoke into the phone were, “Mr. Watson, come here — I want to see you.” Really? I think I would’ve gone the prank route with something like, “Hey Watson, help me. I’ve accidentally shrunk myself and I’m stuck in this little box!

If telephones take the place of telegraphs, does this mean we’ll now have to hum Morse code?

But you know what the greatest thing about the telephone is? You can talk to anyone while wearing only your long johns.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Monologues Through the Ages – Invention of the Wheel

Good evening.

Did you hear about the guy in Mesopotamia who invented something called the wheel?

It’s a round wooden disk that he claims will make life less unbearable. Hey, if it can stop my wife from complaining about being eaten alive by wild animals, I’m all for it.

They say this wheel could advance civilization. Call me old fashioned but I like carrying heavy loads on my back until I collapse.

His wheel is intended to rotate on an axle bearing. If I’m not mistaken, Axle Bearing is also the god of wacky inventions.

And you know the minute this guy told his girlfriend he invented the wheel she said, “Big deal, Jezebel’s boyfriend invented fire.”

They say the wheels work best in pairs. Of course they do; they’re always trying to sell you something extra.

In other news, our village elder celebrated his twenty-seventh birthday. In fact, he’s so old he had to divorce twelve wives because he can only remember fifteen of them.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Holding In Your Thoughts Among Other Things

Real quick thoughts

  • Being able to hold in gas during your wedding vows should be considered a super power.
  • If one person is talking on the phone while having sex, is it considered a threesome?
  • Being on the second-string team is still better than being on the dental floss squad.

I believe

Amazon delivery people are mostly former Jehovah’s Witnesses who want to be more productive with their time.

Has this ever happened to you?

I told a man at the gym who was wiping down a machine that his heart didn’t really seem in it. He responded, “I’d tell you to go f*ck yourself if your criticism wasn’t so pathetic.” I shot back, “How dare you accuse me of being a pitifully insignificant soul! Can I have a hug?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Even More Trump Revelations!

The steady stream of books written about Donald J. Trump continue to shock and amaze a public now accustomed to being shocked and amazed.

Here are a few more mind-boggling facts that, let’s face it, probably won’t surprise you.

  • Trump’s first Mideast peace proposal included renaming Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, Trump International Hotel and Temple Mount.
  • The largest anonymous donor to the Trump campaign was by far a political group funded mostly by a Saudi Arabian orange hair dye magnate.
  • During his first year in office, Trump needed to be talked out of naming an ambassador to the International House of Pancakes.
  • The Trump Organization recruits most employees at job fairs held mostly on our country’s southern border.
  • During the height of the pandemic, Trump paid a high-priced prostitute $250,000 to order him to wear a mask.
  • Trump’s aids encouraged him to read his speeches strictly on a teleprompter by dangling freshly cooked cheeseburgers slightly above the top margin.
  • Corey Lewandowski would have been named secretary of state had he been able to find Great Britain on a map.
  • While recovering from Covid, Trump was replaced at a rally by a Benny Hilly impersonator with a pretty good New York accent.
  • To keep VP Mike Pence and Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy in line, Trump received secret obedience lessons from Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan.
  • Melania Trump has given husband Donald her approval for running for president again, but ONLY if he allows her write, produce, direct and star in “The Stormy Daniels Story.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

How To Make A New Friend Without Losing Most of Your Dignity

Everyone needs a friend, or at least one person who will pick you up at the airport or pay a ransom to a Nigerian prince.

Making new friends is never easy. However, there are ways to make the process easier. Here are just a few that don’t require paying someone to say, “No, those jeans definitely don’t make your left buttock look big.

  • Take initiative – You’ll never know if that perfect stranger you spot on the subway could be your best buddy unless you step forward and invite him hiking on the Appalachian Trail for a week.
  • Smile – A beaming grin will make you appear approachable. And even if it doesn’t lead to a burgeoning friendship, it may at least get you a good reference for some excellent psychotherapy.
  • Be a good listener – People appreciate an empathetic ear – as well as a sympathetic nose and a compassionate eyebrow.
  • Join a new club or organization – Just because a group is being monitored by the FBI doesn’t mean you won’t meet a lifelong friend at its yearly Aryan Resistance Barbecue.
  • Be open about your flaws – Sooner or later, someone will appreciate the fact that you’re a middle-aged man still living with your parents.
  • Be curious – People love to be asked questions. For example: “I noticed your name tag reads ‘Big Penis Parksdale.’ Is your middle name ‘Penis’?”
  • Try a new activity – Some of the most interesting people you’ll ever meet belong to Greek Orthodox fire walking clubs.
  • Step outside your comfort zone – Delivering a TED talk about losing your virginity to a pretzel kingpin from Königreich Romkerhall may seem like too much sharing, but how else are you going to meet other people who lost their virginity to someone from Königreich Romkerhall?
  • Be enthusiastic – You can’t imagine how many people will want to know more about you by simply screaming at the top of your lungs, “OH GOD, YES, SUPERSIZE IT!
  • Be yourself – Unless, of course you can be a more interesting version of you.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Never Go To A Discount Therapist

Real quick thoughts

  • If someone can read tea leaves or Tarot cards, should we assume they can also read a rental car agreement?
  • Never go to a discount therapist who shows you his perspiration stain and asks, “What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?”
  • Think twice about returning to a restaurant that charged you extra for the Heimlich maneuver.

I believe

The Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) should never be used for parking violations, and certainly not for failing to pick up your small dog’s poop.

Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever thought a stranger is talking to you, only to realize they’re actually talking on their phone? If you’re like most people, you immediately feel embarrassed. But look at it this way: In all probability, you are a more interesting conversationalist than the person on the other end of that call. In fact, had that person been calling you, you probably would have let it gone straight to voicemail. Because, if they’re not calling to talk about last night’s orgy and networking meetup, you can’t be bothered.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

I Want To See How Sausage Is Made

Real quick thoughts

  • I don’t mind being a celebrity, although sometimes I wish my groupies would help me fold my sheets at the laundromat.
  • Before I die, I want to see how sausage is made.
  • If you capture everyone’s hearts, are you obligated to release at least some?

I believe

If you’re trying to project a devil-may-care attitude, you should never show up on a blind date with a lawyer holding prenuptial agreement.

Has this ever happened to you?

Are you, like me, quiet and solitary? If so, you’ll understand how annoying it is when people badger me with bothersome questions like: “Why were you staring in my window?” “Suspect number three, would you please turn to your left?” And of course, “Are you hiding anything illegal in your lower intestine?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Quick Thoughts – 2

  • I don’t think my parents disliked me. They simply forgot to tell me where they lived.
  • There are so many sexual preferences nowadays. I’ve finally decided I’m a man trapped inside an ambivalent body.
  • Never mistake a knowing glance for an overconfident stare.

I believe

You should never buy a plunging stock that’s screaming “Geronimo!”

Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever dined with people who stage managed the event?

“Janice, you sit across from Ronald.”

“Nicole, sit next to Denise.”

Lorn, sit perpendicular to Bonnie.”

Barry, rest you head in Grandma’s lap.”

Terry, sit facing Roman, but don’t look at Debbie.

That’s why I often prefer dinner for one. The bread sticks never tell me where to sit.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”