airbnBust Cottage Guest Book Entries – Part 2

July 12 – July 19

We couldn’t figure out how to open the locked liquor cabinet. Fortunately, we found the crow bar.

Here’s to another great summer!

– The Perrywankle family

July 20 – July 27

Had a wonderful time! We hope the Jet Ski that crashed into the living room won’t affect our deposit.

Looking forward to our next stay

– Kris and Chris Stickles

July 28 – August 14

The cottage is so quiet and peaceful. We never heard from the family of raccoons in the washing machine except during the spin cycle.

– Tony, Toni and Little Tony Tonitelli.

August 17 – August 28

Your cottage has become our little piece of heaven. So private and secluded.  We’re going to tell all our friends in the Cali Cartel about it.

Viva La Vacation!

– The Shlomo Hernández family

August 29 – September 15

Each summer I look forward to staying at your lovely cottage on the cove. This year’s highlight was reading every back issue of Reader’s Digest.

– Celia Sonnert

airbnBust Cottage Guest Book Entries

Living Inside My Head

June 15 – July 9

Thanks for sharing your wonderful vacation cottage with us. The sights, the sounds were relaxing and restorative. By the way: Did you know Big Foot lives in the woods behind the boat shed? He taught our son how to search for grub worms in exchange for the Wi-Fi password.

Looking forward to our next stay.

The Grayson family

July 9 – July 23

We had a great time at your wonderful cottage. Caught 15 stripers on the first day! Thank you for your gracious hospitality. We hate to leave. Just a note: The grill’s propane tank is empty due mostly to Bigfoot’s raccoon roasts.

Can’t wait until next summer.

Tom and Gail Hannity

July 23 – August 6

This is our 6th year at the cottage. We so enjoy this lovely, quiet spot. Perfect weather, wonderful friends and delicious food. Just curious, did you give…

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Firsts for America’s First Graduating College Class, Harvard 1642

First class to deny admission to an OWASP (Off White Anglo Saxton Protestant)

First and last class with no legacy students

First student to be punished for cheating by being placed in stocks.

First person named Saltonstall accepted without the assistance of another person named Saltonstall

First party hearty student nicknamed the Pukin’ Puritan

First student placed on probation for attending spring ball with a witch

First student to call the Mayflower his family yacht

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Things Pony Express Riders Ask Themselves

Should this horse have a mail slot?

What if I rode side saddle?

Am I taking work away from carrier pigeons?

Is it wrong to use dear John letters as toilet paper?

Would that coyote like to hear about my day?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Sections of Very First Newspaper (Relation Aller Fürnemmen Und Gedenckwürdigen Historien)

Front page headline: “Village Idiot Announces Retirement”

Sports: “Durchdenwald Decapitated in Death Match, Will Not Be Headed to Second Round”

Letters to Editor: “To the Editor: What is a newspaper?”

Advice columnist: “Dear Heidindrudis, Our eleven-year-old daughter wants to marry an elderly man twice her age.”

Obituary: “Rudegerus spent his final day doing what he loved the best: gasping for air.”

Editorial: “We disavow our last editorial and request our editorial editor be returned.”

Classified ad: “For sale – Suit of armor. Includes broken sword and remnants of previous owner”

Lifestyle: “Has the Plague Affected Your Self-Esteem?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Comments While Watching First Manned Hot Air Balloon Flight Over Paris

Balloon shla-moon. That’s a big fat pigeon.

Why didn’t they just fill a horse with hot air?

Do you think it could carry me from the kitchen to the dining room?

Impressive but where do the servants ride?

That reminds me; I need to see a doctor about my giant swollen testicle.

If man were meant to fly, God would’ve given him a softer tush to land on.

What a letdown! I thought “untethered” meant naked from the waist up.

No, they’re waving at me.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Holding In Your Thoughts Among Other Things

Real quick thoughts

  • Being able to hold in gas during your wedding vows should be considered a super power.
  • If one person is talking on the phone while having sex, is it considered a threesome?
  • Being on the second-string team is still better than being on the dental floss squad.

I believe

Amazon delivery people are mostly former Jehovah’s Witnesses who want to be more productive with their time.

Has this ever happened to you?

I told a man at the gym who was wiping down a machine that his heart didn’t really seem in it. He responded, “I’d tell you to go f*ck yourself if your criticism wasn’t so pathetic.” I shot back, “How dare you accuse me of being a pitifully insignificant soul! Can I have a hug?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Even More Trump Revelations!

The steady stream of books written about Donald J. Trump continue to shock and amaze a public now accustomed to being shocked and amazed.

Here are a few more mind-boggling facts that, let’s face it, probably won’t surprise you.

  • Trump’s first Mideast peace proposal included renaming Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, Trump International Hotel and Temple Mount.
  • The largest anonymous donor to the Trump campaign was by far a political group funded mostly by a Saudi Arabian orange hair dye magnate.
  • During his first year in office, Trump needed to be talked out of naming an ambassador to the International House of Pancakes.
  • The Trump Organization recruits most employees at job fairs held mostly on our country’s southern border.
  • During the height of the pandemic, Trump paid a high-priced prostitute $250,000 to order him to wear a mask.
  • Trump’s aids encouraged him to read his speeches strictly on a teleprompter by dangling freshly cooked cheeseburgers slightly above the top margin.
  • Corey Lewandowski would have been named secretary of state had he been able to find Great Britain on a map.
  • While recovering from Covid, Trump was replaced at a rally by a Benny Hilly impersonator with a pretty good New York accent.
  • To keep VP Mike Pence and Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy in line, Trump received secret obedience lessons from Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan.
  • Melania Trump has given husband Donald her approval for running for president again, but ONLY if he allows her write, produce, direct and star in “The Stormy Daniels Story.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

How To Make A New Friend Without Losing Most of Your Dignity

Everyone needs a friend, or at least one person who will pick you up at the airport or pay a ransom to a Nigerian prince.

Making new friends is never easy. However, there are ways to make the process easier. Here are just a few that don’t require paying someone to say, “No, those jeans definitely don’t make your left buttock look big.

  • Take initiative – You’ll never know if that perfect stranger you spot on the subway could be your best buddy unless you step forward and invite him hiking on the Appalachian Trail for a week.
  • Smile – A beaming grin will make you appear approachable. And even if it doesn’t lead to a burgeoning friendship, it may at least get you a good reference for some excellent psychotherapy.
  • Be a good listener – People appreciate an empathetic ear – as well as a sympathetic nose and a compassionate eyebrow.
  • Join a new club or organization – Just because a group is being monitored by the FBI doesn’t mean you won’t meet a lifelong friend at its yearly Aryan Resistance Barbecue.
  • Be open about your flaws – Sooner or later, someone will appreciate the fact that you’re a middle-aged man still living with your parents.
  • Be curious – People love to be asked questions. For example: “I noticed your name tag reads ‘Big Penis Parksdale.’ Is your middle name ‘Penis’?”
  • Try a new activity – Some of the most interesting people you’ll ever meet belong to Greek Orthodox fire walking clubs.
  • Step outside your comfort zone – Delivering a TED talk about losing your virginity to a pretzel kingpin from Königreich Romkerhall may seem like too much sharing, but how else are you going to meet other people who lost their virginity to someone from Königreich Romkerhall?
  • Be enthusiastic – You can’t imagine how many people will want to know more about you by simply screaming at the top of your lungs, “OH GOD, YES, SUPERSIZE IT!
  • Be yourself – Unless, of course you can be a more interesting version of you.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Never Go To A Discount Therapist

Real quick thoughts

  • If someone can read tea leaves or Tarot cards, should we assume they can also read a rental car agreement?
  • Never go to a discount therapist who shows you his perspiration stain and asks, “What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?”
  • Think twice about returning to a restaurant that charged you extra for the Heimlich maneuver.

I believe

The Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) should never be used for parking violations, and certainly not for failing to pick up your small dog’s poop.

Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever thought a stranger is talking to you, only to realize they’re actually talking on their phone? If you’re like most people, you immediately feel embarrassed. But look at it this way: In all probability, you are a more interesting conversationalist than the person on the other end of that call. In fact, had that person been calling you, you probably would have let it gone straight to voicemail. Because, if they’re not calling to talk about last night’s orgy and networking meetup, you can’t be bothered.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”