…is my new book “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages” – Amazon https://tinyurl.com/3krv7h36 .
Imagine since the beginning of time, late-night talk show hosts walked the earth while commenting on the day’s events. I look at history through the delightfully distorted lens of these evening comedic commentators.
Their monologues crack wise about then-current events—From 2,000,000 BC when Homo Erectus first rose up on two legs and cried, “I have extra sandals for sale,” to 1892 AD when Lizzie Borden introduced America to anger management.
How many times have you heard someone say, “We used to be good friends.” Now think about your good friends. Can you imagine anything coming between you and them?
I can only assume there are different definitions of good friends.
Some may think a good friend is a guy willing to be lookout while you free a 7-Eleven of a fistful of Slim Jims.
Another may assume good friends never let good friends know you’re sleeping with your good friend’s boyfriend.
I don’t have a lot of good friends, but I’m confident the ones I do have will always be my friends. Why? Because either I and my friends are astute judges of character, or we’re simply indifferent to the occasional “Oops, sorry I forgot to pick you up at the airport” text message.
Think about that next time someone says, “We were best friends since high school until she said my sudden 350-pound weight gain made me look fat.”
No one has asked, but if I receive a LinkedIn message in regards to becoming the next president of Harvard University, I might come in for an interview.
But first:
I would gather my family and gently ask how they feel about me giving up my long-time career scavenging trash cans for deposit bottles.
I would hire a computer specialist to scour the Internet and delete any posting in which I used the word “fart” or referred to “my dear friend and former tennis partner Jeffery Epstein.”
I would pledge to Harvard University’s Board of Overseers that I would faithfully and responsibly represent the institution; but only if I was not required to wear a necktie.
I would assure Harvard that I have never plagiarized a word or even a quotation mark – depending on their definition of plagiarize.
And finally, if I’m ever hauled in front of a congressional hearing at which I’m accused of anything, I pledge to raise a middle digit and say, “Talk to the finger.”
They’ve always been there for you. Isn’t it time you thanked them?
Admit it, you’re not the easiest person to be with. Have any of your imaginary friends ever complained? Told you to grow up? Abandoned you? Never.
Perhaps it’s time to show them your appreciation. You know they’d love to hear from you and would love to tell you how thoughtful you are.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have one day each year to acknowledge all the imaginary people who have played an important part of your life?
After all, your imaginary friend is:
The one who has always protected you from the boogeyman.
Your one true friend when everyone else ignored you simply because you were hiding in your closet.
The boy/girl/man/woman who would go on a date with you when you were afraid to ask a real person, or a real person was afraid to ask you.
The only person who would present you with an Olympic medal, Nobel award or Miss America crown.
So take a moment. Put on your sharpest suit or most beautiful gown. Or remove your clothes if you and your imaginary friend are nudists. Then imagine you’re sitting across from each other in an expensive restaurant. Look him, her, they, them, or it in the eye, and say: “Thank you for being in my life and for doing all I imagine you do.”
Chatbots are chewing up human jobs in every line of work. It’s only a matter of time before your boss asks you to share your cubicle with a laptop named Zeke.
The media business hasn’t been spared from automated agents. Google is testing an A.I. tool that writes news articles. It will eventually, no doubt, be programmed to vehemently deny it received its promotion by kissing up to its A.I. editor.
Since no technology is foolproof, what happens when A.I.-generated news stories are incorrect? A.I.-generated corrections, of course.
Front Page – An article on Monday about President Biden’s dog Commander making biting comments about Secret Service agents misstated the nature of the attacks. His canine had actually been making droll observations.
International – A story on Friday misstated Morocco was holding bisexual talks with Jordan. It should have said Mo Rocca announced his engagement to Guy Lateral.
National – A picture caption with an article on Sunday described Barack Obama as America’s first blech president. He is America’s first meh president.
Sports – A story on Wednesday about the City College of New York (CCNY) point-shaving gambling scandal of 1950–51 misstated the number of barber shops involved. The scandal also included the City College of Shaving (CCS).
Arts & Leisure – A review on Tuesday of the play “Death of a salesman” misstated the lead character as Wilma Highman. The correct name is Willy Lo Mein.
Opinion – A column by George Won’t on Thursday misidentified the organization that conducted a poll on voter turnups. It was the Gallop Equestrian Poll, not the P.U. Odor Research Center.
Obituaries – An obituary on Thursday about Agnes Lowenstein, the longtime hostess at New York’s Tavern on the Scream, misspelled the name of the former owner. It is Mistress Jayne, not Mistress Jane.
Vows – An article last Sunday about the wedding of Betty Harrington and Joseph Wilder misstated they met during the sinking of the RMS Lusitania in 1915. They met while standing in the buffet line on the Titanic.
Real Estate – The Condo of the Week feature last Sunday incorrectly described the fish and game room at 23 Joiner Street, No. 45b. It is accessible through a hallway with a small catapult door.
Book Review – A review on March 16 of “Dolly Lama,” by Edward Fitzgerald, misstated the age at which His Holiness worked as an understudy for Angela Lansbury in Remember the Mame. He was 23, not 47.
Magazine – An article on page 23 about the Chef Alexis Slow-Boyle misidentifies the scallops pictured in her frying panties. They are cross examined, not grilled or interrogated.
Travel – An article last Sunday misstated the discoverer of the Galapagos Islands was NASCAR driving legend Vinnie Galopino. It was naturist and 1939 “Nudist of the Year” Charles Darwingler.
I know what you’re thinking: What if A.I.-generated corrections need correcting? It can mean only one thing: more overtime pay for Artificial Intelligence.
I believe anything I read or hear that includes the words “experts say.”
I trust all experts, even ones wearing propeller beanies. Why? According to Randall Gasket, chairman of the Kalamazoo Community College Department of Hipster Studies, “What’s not to believe?”
When writers, authors and Tik Tok-ers quote experts, they are telling you: “If you don’t believe me, listen to this egg head.”
Would you believe information not backed up by quotes from experts? Not according to Felicity Punder of Punder Research and Polling: “Eighty-four percent of our respondents, ages zero to 307 believe anything they read that includes the phrase “Most Mensa members say.”
You should believe them, too, even if you’ve never heard of the expert or the college, company or coffee shop at which they reside; because it’s an indisputable fact, according to Professor Emeritus Franklin Cockburn, Ed.D., MSW, IOU at Boola Boola State College.
To be clear, the phrase, “experts say” should never be confused with the oft-repeated Trumpian expression “a lot of people tell me,” which invariably points to foolish falsehoods.
Are experts infallible? “Absolutely,” says author and recent parolee John Clintoff. “I especially trust the smart and insightful investors in my new cryptocurrency startup.”
Dr. Daniel Spivak, author of I Met 1000 Women on Tinder Claiming to be Beyonce puts it another way: “If I didn’t believe everything I read, I wouldn’t have met my current wife, Bella Hadid.”
Spivak, who is currently researching his next book, I Scream Footnotes During Sex, emphasizes the importance of professional opinions: “Any fool can say two and two equals four. It never hurts to have it confirmed by an obscure mathematician from a small, Welsh technical college.”
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still wonder if I over-rely on expert opinions. But according to my online therapist, an Instagram influencer with over fifty followers, I can never be too careful – except when waiting over an hour at a Yield sign.
On a more personal note, according to my wife I’m a gullible fool.
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”
Has this ever happened to you? You meet someone online and seemingly hit it off, but after endless conversations you still know nothing about him – leaving you with a feeling of mystery and uneasiness.
Back and forth you go. Scraps of information are exchanged and revealed and yet, who is this guy? He still won’t come clean.
Finally, you explode: “Time’s up, fella. Who are you? What are you hiding? For once, just be honest with me. If you expect to take this relationship to the next level, you, once and for all, need to be honest with me!”
Long pause.
“My name is Donald J. Trump. I like candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach.”
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”
Living Inside My Head 