Well, the big story this week has been the fall of the Roman Empire.
I would’ve heard about it sooner, but I was in the communal toilet extricating myself from a bad dish of lamb’s brain.
There’s no stability in the government. How bad is it? Three of my writers are deposed emperors and the fourth is a laid-off gladiator.
A lot of people are blaming the Empire’s fall on moral decay – at least that’s what I’m hearing from my wife who used to be my slave that I castrated.
Now you didn’t hear it from me, but things were never the same after we were invaded by Attila the Hun. Nothing personal but never trust anyone who’s name ends with “the Hun” – or begins with “barbarian king.”
Whoaa, I can see we have some barbarians in the audience. Don’t be so sensitive. My sister-in-law is a barbarian. My brother met her at a Raping and Pillaging mixer.
I’m sure you’ve all heard about this new thing called the telephone. It’s a machine that actually allows you to talk with another person at another location.
It’s kind of like smoke signals that don’t sting your eyes.
I could really use one of these. My teenager is always yakking away on the telegraph.
It was invented by a man named Alexander Graham Bell. Ever notice big things are always invented by people with three names: Alexander Graham Bell, James Clerk Maxwell? Just once I’d like to see something amazing created by a guy named Zeke.
The first words Bell spoke into the phone were, “Mr. Watson, come here — I want to see you.” Really? I think I would’ve gone the prank route with something like, “Hey Watson, help me. I’ve accidentally shrunk myself and I’m stuck in this little box!
If telephones take the place of telegraphs, does this mean we’ll now have to hum Morse code?
But you know what the greatest thing about the telephone is? You can talk to anyone while wearing only your long johns.
Being able to hold in gas during your wedding vows should be considered a super power.
If one person is talking on the phone while having sex, is it considered a threesome?
Being on the second-string team is still better than being on the dental floss squad.
Amazon delivery people are mostly former Jehovah’s Witnesses who want to be more productive with their time.
Has this ever happened to you?
I told a man at the gym who was wiping down a machine that his heart didn’t really seem in it. He responded, “I’d tell you to go f*ck yourself if your criticism wasn’t so pathetic.” I shot back, “How dare you accuse me of being a pitifully insignificant soul! Can I have a hug?”
Everyone needs a friend, or at least one person who will pick you up at the airport or pay a ransom to a Nigerian prince.
Making new friends is never easy. However, there are ways to make the process easier. Here are just a few that don’t require paying someone to say, “No, those jeans definitely don’t make your left buttock look big.
Take initiative – You’ll never know if that perfect stranger you spot on the subway could be your best buddy unless you step forward and invite him hiking on the Appalachian Trail for a week.
Smile – A beaming grin will make you appear approachable. And even if it doesn’t lead to a burgeoning friendship, it may at least get you a good reference for some excellent psychotherapy.
Be a good listener – People appreciate an empathetic ear – as well as a sympathetic nose and a compassionate eyebrow.
Join a new club or organization – Just because a group is being monitored by the FBI doesn’t mean you won’t meet a lifelong friend at its yearly Aryan Resistance Barbecue.
Be open about your flaws – Sooner or later, someone will appreciate the fact that you’re a middle-aged man still living with your parents.
Be curious – People love to be asked questions. For example: “I noticed your name tag reads ‘Big Penis Parksdale.’ Is your middle name ‘Penis’?”
Try a new activity – Some of the most interesting people you’ll ever meet belong to Greek Orthodox fire walking clubs.
Step outside your comfort zone – Delivering a TED talk about losing your virginity to a pretzel kingpin from Königreich Romkerhall may seem like too much sharing, but how else are you going to meet other people who lost their virginity to someone from Königreich Romkerhall?
Be enthusiastic – You can’t imagine how many people will want to know more about you by simply screaming at the top of your lungs, “OH GOD, YES, SUPERSIZE IT!
Be yourself – Unless, of course you can be a more interesting version of you.
If someone can read tea leaves or Tarot cards, should we assume they can also read a rental car agreement?
Never go to a discount therapist who shows you his perspiration stain and asks, “What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?”
Think twice about returning to a restaurant that charged you extra for the Heimlich maneuver.
The Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) should never be used for parking violations, and certainly not for failing to pick up your small dog’s poop.
Has this ever happened to you?
Have you ever thought a stranger is talking to you, only to realize they’re actually talking on their phone? If you’re like most people, you immediately feel embarrassed. But look at it this way: In all probability, you are a more interesting conversationalist than the person on the other end of that call. In fact, had that person been calling you, you probably would have let it gone straight to voicemail. Because, if they’re not calling to talk about last night’s orgy and networking meetup, you can’t be bothered.
I don’t mind being a celebrity, although sometimes I wish my groupies would help me fold my sheets at the laundromat.
Before I die, I want to see how sausage is made.
If you capture everyone’s hearts, are you obligated to release at least some?
If you’re trying to project a devil-may-care attitude, you should never show up on a blind date with a lawyer holding prenuptial agreement.
Has this ever happened to you?
Are you, like me, quiet and solitary? If so, you’ll understand how annoying it is when people badger me with bothersome questions like: “Why were you staring in my window?” “Suspect number three, would you please turn to your left?” And of course, “Are you hiding anything illegal in your lower intestine?”