How Hoarder Adult Films Are Made

Director: In this scene, Tom, you’re the UPS driver, delivering another shipment of pet food for Agnes’ 500 plus cats. You exit your truck, crawl over the abandoned car and broken lawn mower, and press the doorbell. When you realize it doesn’t work, you knock a few times.

Agnes, you scream “Wait a minute” as you navigate through your  living room around stacks of old newspapers, piles of Jell-O boxes and five broken carousel horses. You finally open the door and see the hot, young stud, Tom.

Agnes, your heart immediately pounds, shaking off days of old corn flakes from your stained terry cloth robe. This is the first time a man has made it to your door since 2003. Your crooked-tooth smile clearly says “I want this guy” as you suggestively allow your robe to slide off your shoulder sending more cornflakes into the air and an old TV remote to the floor.

Tom, as you try desperately not to breathe through your nose, you nervously grown, “I have a shipment of cat food for you” as twenty or thirty felines luxuriously rub up against your legs.

Agnes, you beckon Tom in, almost moaning, “Just climb over that pile of Family Circle magazines and bring the food in here.”

Tom, after you finally reach the other side of the pile, you say, “I’ve really worked up a sweat. Mind if I take off my shirt and put it somewhere the cats won’t pee?”

Agnes, your smile clearly implies “Be my guest” as you heave last year’s dirty laundry off the couch and make some space. You lie luxuriously on it and seductively whisper, “You look tired. Sit down next to me and take a load off” while suggestively sweeping some kitty litter off the cushions.

Tom, here’s where you make your move. As you go in for your kiss, you spot a half-used can of Lysol. You grab it and passionately spray Agnes. Agnes, you gasp, choke and whisper, “I’ve been waiting years for a real man to do that.”

Tom, you quickly fashion a discarded clear, plastic dry cleaning wrapper into a body condom, hop in and ravage her as the camera zooms in on stale Fruit Loops stuck to your heaving bodies.

If there are no questions, let’s begin: Scene one, take one, and action!

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

First Instincts Begging for a Second

We’re often told: “trust your instincts” or “trust your gut.”

That may be true some or most of the time. But all of the time? Here are ten instinctive moves that should’ve waited for a second.

  • What if it’s just a cold sore? Tongue, prepare to launch. I’m going in for a big smooch.
  • Do you believe every “Danger: Shallow Water” sign you read? Watch me do a reverse flip dive.
  • Yes, my entrée looks like it’s breathing, but our waitress did say it was an optical illusion.
  • His Linkedin profile name is Hannibal Lector Jr., but he’s got lots of coding experience.
  • Something tells me a flame-eating, eunuch stripper is just the thing that could help our women’s church group bond.
  • It may be the tequilas talking, but I gotta have that Elizabeth Warren tramp stamp.
  • I normally don’t give my social security and credit card numbers to strangers, but I normally don’t have the honor of meeting Nigerian royalty.
  • Trust me, if the salesman says it was owned by a little old lady who only drove it on Sundays, believe him.
  • Yes, I realize we just met, but I have a hunch you’re going to love firewalking.
  • I’ve never hired a lawyer who lives in his car, but I like your gumption.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

If Abraham Lincoln Hired a 21st Century Teenage Speechwriter

Four score and, like, seven years ago our fathers, like, brought forth upon this continent, a new nation, like, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to, like, the proposition that, like, all men are, like, created equal.

Now we are, like, engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or, like, any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can, like, long endure. We are met on, like, a great battle-field of that war. We have come to, like, dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for, like, those who here gave their lives that that nation, like, might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that, like, we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not, like, dedicate—we can not, like, consecrate—we can not, like, hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have, like, consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or, like, detract. The world will, like, little note, nor, like, long remember what we say here, but it can never, like, forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be, like, dedicated here to the unfinished work which, like, they who fought here have thus far so, like, nobly advanced. It is rather for us to, like, be here dedicated to the great task remaining, like, before us—that from these honored dead we take, like, increased devotion to that cause for which they, like, gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly, like, resolve that these dead shall not have, like, died in, like. vain—that this nation, under God, shall, like, have a new birth of freedom—and that government, like, of the people, by the people, for the people, shall, like, not perish from, like, the earth.

— Abraham Lincoln and Zoe

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Embrace Your Ineptitude

I used to obsess about my deficiencies Now I embrace them For example I used to beat myself up over being bad at punctuation Now I never worry about it

For years I hated what I perceived was my inability to have a normal relationship with another person Once I stopped trying to be perfect or even slightly less than middling I became a happier person Soon I developed a deep and meaningful relationship with a man or it might have been woman named Charlie whom I’ve never met in person but who loves me for what I am and the monthly bitcoin deposits I deposit in his or her account

Until recently I thought no one would ever publish my exhaustively researched 1378 page one sentence historical novel about the first known crew of 16th century asexual pirates Then surprise I found a semi workable laser printer in a dumpster and shazam my book is now for sale on Craigslist.

It doesn’t matter how many times you’re fired from jobs What is important is feeling good about yourself after yet another boss catches you turning tricks in the janitor’s closet and tells you to clear out your desk When a soon to be ex supervisor yells Without a doubt you are THE MOST incompetent person who has ever worked for this company it’s just another way of saying you are special

Remember life is not a win lose proposition Yes being competent and wildly successful has its perks but no one’s obituary ever included the words He always forgot to ask Do you want that Supersized

No matter how inept you are the key to a happy life is always feeling good about yourself even if you are really bad at feeling good about yourself And if that’s too hard well feeling meh is nothing to shake a stick at

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

What if Big Noses Were Sexy?

She – I’m not ashamed of having a smoking hot nose. Sure, there are down sides; like always having to tell guys: “Hey, my eyes are up here, no, up another inch.” And people are constantly asking if I’ve had an implant. Hell no, I was born schnoz-alicious.

Jealous friends can be cruel, but I always say, don’t hate me because I have a sizzling snoot. If you’ve got it, flaunt it – and during the cold and flu season, blow it.

He – When God created me, he must’ve said, “Give him the Jamie Farr and don’t skimp.” I’m so thankful he/she did. Every time I walk into a bar (actually, my nose arrives a little earlier), the ladies immediately want to snuggle with my muzzle. Can you blame them? I don’t like to brag, but I have a tattoo of the Declaration of Independence on my beak, and that’s just on one nostril.

Would girls like me as much if I had a small honker? Perhaps, but I wouldn’t give up this prodigious proboscis for all the Kleenex in Kurdistan.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

10 World Records I Won’t Attempt to Break

  • Most hot dogs eaten while doing taxes.
  • Longest time waiting to get a CVS clerk’s attention.
  • Oldest kindergarten graduate.
  • Largest insect found in a motel bed.
  • Most emails asking a friend if she/he received email that said, “Please respond.”
  • Most blind dates ending with the question; “Is that a birthmark or an Aryan Nation tattoo?”
  • Most times a psychotherapist mentions, “They’re doing wonderful things with electro shock therapy.”
  • Longest time breath held voluntarily in a porta potty.
  • Most times tripping over the world’s longest mustache.
  • Largest collection of anything.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Super Heroes Shouldn’t Have to be Super All the Time

I admire super heroes for using their super powers to fight bad guys, stand up for the less-than-super folks and generally help mankind when mankind needs a helping iron fist.

I also believe that, given their exemplary service to society, super heroes are entitled, now and then, to use their super human gifts for purely selfish gain. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who spends 24/7 fighting evil deserves some occasional super hero me time.

Yes, doing good for your fellow man should be a reward in and of itself. Still, there should be a few other benefits.

I have no problem with Clark Kent confiding with a restaurant hostess that he’s actually Superman, just to get a good table further away from the kitchen.

I couldn’t blame the Incredible Hulk for proposing to a damsel in distress: “If I lift this car off your leg will you buy some Girl Scout cookies from my niece?”

I wouldn’t fault Peter Parker for sidling up next to a gorgeous babe in a bar and whispering, “Hi, I’m actually Spider-Man. Can I buy you a drink?”

I’d probably smile approvingly if I was standing behind Wonder Woman at the dry cleaners and overheard her shout, “No, I don’t have my ticket. If you can’t find my red, white and blue bustier in one minute, I’m going to string you up with my Lasso of Truth.”

Why should Bruce Wayne haggle with AmeriSave Home Loans when one angry call from Batman could get his Batcave refinanced as quicken as one, two, three?

Yes, we need our super heroes They make us feel safe and secure. We take great comfort in knowing they can do no wrong. But would we feel less safe or secure if, every once in a while, we let Captain America cut in line at Starbucks?

At the very least, cut the Invisible Man some slack for hanging out in his girlfriend’s bedroom to see if she’s been fooling around with Wolverine.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Love Yourself, You Won’t Find a More Agreeable Partner

I’m finally learning to love myself. It’s been a long journey. At first, I wouldn’t give myself the time of day. Gradually, though, I loosened up and gave me a chance.

It began with a magical night to remember. After months of gathering my strength, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and popped the question: “Would I care to have dinner with me?” How could I refuse? Looking back, I realize I should have asked sooner. The answer would have always been yes.

I didn’t play easy, though. It was my third date before I gave me a goodnight hug – after asking for permission, of course. I and I have been together ever since.

And what a difference loving myself has made! No longer do I sit alone on Friday nights wishing I was with someone else. I’m with me now, that special one who’s always up for a movie, dinner or just a quiet evening at home watching TV – and if the mood is right, shadow dancing to my favorite songs.

To think, I have spent most of my life feeling alone and depressed, when the one person who knows me better than anyone has always been right here inside of me – and has never complained I keep the thermostat too low.

I love me. No explanations needed, except for our wedding invitations.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Getting a Leg Up on Your Legacy

Years from now when a descendant searches for his or her ancestors using one of those DNA kits and my name pops up, will I do them proud?

Perhaps it’s time for me to get my legacy in order. The question is how?

  • Should I launch an expedition in search of a long, lost continent, or hike to the nearest neighborhood with an outstanding coffee shop?
  • Maybe it’s time I cancel my upcoming appearance on “Hoarders.”
  • It might also be the time to finally unfriend Geraldo Rivera on Facebook.
  • Should I burn every unflattering picture of myself, or should I Photoshop them with six pack abs?
  • It couldn’t hurt adding more death-defying feats to my dating profile.
  • And while I’m at it, it may be time to take down my GoFundMe site for world peace and a new modular sofa.
  • It might also be time to talk to my lawyer about divorcing some of my wives.
  • And finally, should I stop entering hot dog eating contests just to get a free meal?

Even if I did all of this, my future distant relatives may still think, “Meh, ‘being cited for exemplary personal hygiene’ is nice, but I was really hoping for a president or a pirate.”

I’ll stick with the free modular sofa.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Never Accept Defeet

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for submitting your most recent invention. Very impressive. However, we do not anticipate a growing market for self-tapping shoes at this time.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
A pair of two left loafers for awkward people with two left feet is an intriguing idea, but we are going to pass on it.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Though stylish as they may be, the U.S. Army Procurement Department is not quite sold on your design for open toed combat boots.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
In regards to your beeping saddle shoes for walking backwards. We wish you every personal success with that.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for allowing Ace Inventions to consider your idea for formalwear moccasins. At this time, however, we respectfully decline your offer.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
We like your idea for liverwurst arch supports. A little more tweaking and you may have something! Stay in touch.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”