Who says you can’t have it all? I disagree. You can have it all – as long as having it all means:

• Having all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting.
• Having debilitating side effects from consuming all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting.
• Having a different beautiful woman each night, in all probability one gorgeous gal with multiple personalities.
• Having countless beautiful homes in which to squat.
• Having the love and adoration of your children who are unaware you’ve squandered their trust fund on lottery tickets.
• Having the man of your life/pool cleaner who also has a valid green card.
• Having the freedom to define success on your terms and not the parole board’s.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”