Category: Other

The Perils of Online Dating: Part 12

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Has this ever happened to you? You meet someone online and seemingly hit it off, but after endless conversations you still know nothing about him – leaving you with a feeling of mystery and uneasiness.

Back and forth you go. Scraps of information are exchanged and revealed and yet, who is this guy? He still won’t come clean.

Finally, you explode: “Time’s up, fella. Who are you? What are you hiding? For once, just be honest with me. If you expect to take this relationship to the next level, you, once and for all, need to be honest with me!”

Long pause.

“My name is Donald J. Trump. I like candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Job Interview Questions and Topics You’ll Most Likely Never Encounter

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  • Can you explain the 25-year gap in your employment?
  • Why are you looking for a new job, and why are you constantly looking over your shoulder?
  • Where do you see yourself in three years after you’ve been downsized?
  • Describe a time you demonstrated leadership skills that didn’t involve threats of deportation or violence.
  • What is your greatest strength that doesn’t involve bench-pressing a co-worker?
  • What is your greatest weakness that doesn’t involve stealing co-workers’ food from the cafeteria refrigerator?
  • Can you talk about a time you made a mistake – aside from parking today in our CEO’s reserved space?
  • How would your boss and colleagues in the witness protection program describe you?
  • How do you deal with the pressure of stressful situations aside from banging your head on my desk?
  • What makes you unique? And keep in mind you’re the third nude applicant we’ve interviewed today.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

You Can Have It All

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Who says you can’t have it all? I disagree. You can have it all – as long as having it all means:

  • Having all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting.
  • Having debilitating side effects from consuming all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting.
  • Having a different beautiful woman each night, in all probability one gorgeous gal with multiple personalities.
  • Having countless beautiful homes in which to squat.
  • Having the love and adoration of your children who are unaware you’ve squandered their trust fund on lottery tickets.
  • Having the man of your life/pool cleaner who also has a valid green card.
  • Having the freedom to define success on your terms and not the parole board’s.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

airbnBust Cottage Guest Book Entries – Part 2

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July 12 – July 19

We couldn’t figure out how to open the locked liquor cabinet. Fortunately, we found the crow bar.

Here’s to another great summer!

– The Perrywankle family

July 20 – July 27

Had a wonderful time! We hope the Jet Ski that crashed into the living room won’t affect our deposit.

Looking forward to our next stay

– Kris and Chris Stickles

July 28 – August 14

The cottage is so quiet and peaceful. We never heard from the family of raccoons in the washing machine except during the spin cycle.

– Tony, Toni and Little Tony Tonitelli.

August 17 – August 28

Your cottage has become our little piece of heaven. So private and secluded.  We’re going to tell all our friends in the Cali Cartel about it.

Viva La Vacation!

– The Shlomo Hernández family

August 29 – September 15

Each summer I look forward to staying at your lovely cottage on the cove. This year’s highlight was reading every back issue of Reader’s Digest.

– Celia Sonnert

Firsts for America’s First Graduating College Class, Harvard 1642

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First class to deny admission to an OWASP (Off White Anglo Saxton Protestant)

First and last class with no legacy students

First student to be punished for cheating by being placed in stocks.

First person named Saltonstall accepted without the assistance of another person named Saltonstall

First party hearty student nicknamed the Pukin’ Puritan

First student placed on probation for attending spring ball with a witch

First student to call the Mayflower his family yacht

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Things Pony Express Riders Ask Themselves

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Should this horse have a mail slot?

What if I rode side saddle?

Am I taking work away from carrier pigeons?

Is it wrong to use dear John letters as toilet paper?

Would that coyote like to hear about my day?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Sections of Very First Newspaper (Relation Aller Fürnemmen Und Gedenckwürdigen Historien)

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Front page headline: “Village Idiot Announces Retirement”

Sports: “Durchdenwald Decapitated in Death Match, Will Not Be Headed to Second Round”

Letters to Editor: “To the Editor: What is a newspaper?”

Advice columnist: “Dear Heidindrudis, Our eleven-year-old daughter wants to marry an elderly man twice her age.”

Obituary: “Rudegerus spent his final day doing what he loved the best: gasping for air.”

Editorial: “We disavow our last editorial and request our editorial editor be returned.”

Classified ad: “For sale – Suit of armor. Includes broken sword and remnants of previous owner”

Lifestyle: “Has the Plague Affected Your Self-Esteem?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Comments While Watching First Manned Hot Air Balloon Flight Over Paris

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Balloon shla-moon. That’s a big fat pigeon.

Why didn’t they just fill a horse with hot air?

Do you think it could carry me from the kitchen to the dining room?

Impressive but where do the servants ride?

That reminds me; I need to see a doctor about my giant swollen testicle.

If man were meant to fly, God would’ve given him a softer tush to land on.

What a letdown! I thought “untethered” meant naked from the waist up.

No, they’re waving at me.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Holding In Your Thoughts Among Other Things

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Real quick thoughts

  • Being able to hold in gas during your wedding vows should be considered a super power.
  • If one person is talking on the phone while having sex, is it considered a threesome?
  • Being on the second-string team is still better than being on the dental floss squad.

I believe

Amazon delivery people are mostly former Jehovah’s Witnesses who want to be more productive with their time.

Has this ever happened to you?

I told a man at the gym who was wiping down a machine that his heart didn’t really seem in it. He responded, “I’d tell you to go f*ck yourself if your criticism wasn’t so pathetic.” I shot back, “How dare you accuse me of being a pitifully insignificant soul! Can I have a hug?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”