Category: Late Night Monologues

First class to deny admission to an OWASP (Off White Anglo Saxton Protestant)

First and last class with no legacy students

First student to be punished for cheating by being placed in stocks.

First person named Saltonstall accepted without the assistance of another person named Saltonstall

First party hearty student nicknamed the Pukin’ Puritan

First student placed on probation for attending spring ball with a witch

First student to call the Mayflower his family yacht

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Should this horse have a mail slot?

What if I rode side saddle?

Am I taking work away from carrier pigeons?

Is it wrong to use dear John letters as toilet paper?

Would that coyote like to hear about my day?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Front page headline: “Village Idiot Announces Retirement”

Sports: “Durchdenwald Decapitated in Death Match, Will Not Be Headed to Second Round”

Letters to Editor: “To the Editor: What is a newspaper?”

Advice columnist: “Dear Heidindrudis, Our eleven-year-old daughter wants to marry an elderly man twice her age.”

Obituary: “Rudegerus spent his final day doing what he loved the best: gasping for air.”

Editorial: “We disavow our last editorial and request our editorial editor be returned.”

Classified ad: “For sale – Suit of armor. Includes broken sword and remnants of previous owner”

Lifestyle: “Has the Plague Affected Your Self-Esteem?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”