Caution, Incoming Social Interaction

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Dear God, I want to go home and hold my cat.

For most introverts, the definition of Hell is being at a large party hosted by Satan in which you don’t know anyone.

Introverts don’t like being in large groups of people, particularly crowds where strangers ask intrusive questions like, “How are you?” or “Is that your car being towed?”

There are essentially three strategies for avoiding socializing with hordes of people:

  • Never leave home. This works well but can become tedious after 20 or 30 years.
  • Go to social functions, then hide after you arrive. This usually works, although many introverts grow tired of hearing, “I really need to use this bathroom; can you at least close the shower curtain?”
  • Go to social functions, then leave as soon as possible. This is a frequent choice among introverts. The most popular method is to enter through the front door, cordially greet your host and then continue on until you’ve passed through the rear entrance.

These three approaches can help you avoid human contact or, at the very least, keep it to a minimum. The key is to select the best strategy for the right situation. You’ll know you’re on the right track when someone from Social Services knocks on your door and asks, “Are you alive?”

Awaken the Strong and Silent You

Strong_and_Silent_01The Learning Annex is proud to present Luther Spivak, entrepreneur, pushup champion, silent auctioneer and author of the best-selling pamphlet, “All Quiet on the Western Front of My Mouth.”

Luther will present a short history of strong and silent types: from Orga, the first cavewoman to calmly wrestle and then briefly date a wild hyena; to Gary Cooper, an actor so quiet he didn’t realize movies had sound until his 15th talkie.

Luther will next quietly and assertively talk about his 10 easy, foolproof steps to becoming a more confident and less audible you.

  • Rid a town overrun of evildoers without saying more than three words. Then quietly leave.
  • Initiate a relationship with a needy, hysterical, overly-emotional person. Calmly, and silently listen to their problems. Pretend to go to the bathroom and then quietly leave town.
  • Join a local branch of Toastmasters. When it’s your turn to speak, stand up, say “yup” and then quietly leave town.
  • Hang out at a karaoke bar for at least two years and don’t do or say anything. One night, finally get up and sing “I’ve –,” and stop. Then quietly leave.
  • Sign up for a yoga class. Speak to no one. The first time a classmate speaks despairingly of another, beat the miscreant to a bloody pulp. Then quietly leave town.
  • Attend your next family gathering with a new tattoo that covers your face. If they don’t ask you to leave town, quietly leave anyway.
  • At a ceremony for winning the Nobel Peace Prize, announce to the audience you’ve mistakenly left your acceptance speech in your other tuxedo/pocket book. Then quietly leav
    e town.

Luther Spivak is an entrepreneur, personal and impersonal trainer and the nation’s #1097 life and business strategist. He was featured on TLC’s “Naked and Unaware.”

You Have a Right to Remain Silent

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Are you sick of people asking, “Why are you so quiet?” What makes this even more annoying is these are the same folks who haven’t stopped talking since the Reagan administration.

If you could get a word in edgewise, you might explain that introverts choose their words carefully and are not fond of small talk. However, by that time the conversation has probably transitioned to a discussion of Uber drivers with zesty body odor.

People may not understand why introverts are quiet. That doesn’t mean you can’t use their lack of insight to your advantage. Your quiet nature is a gift. Embrace it. The world needs more people like you: someone who enjoys nothing more than sitting alone in a movie theater on a Friday night, empty seats on each side and a whole box of Junior Mints you don’t have to share.

Live Like a Billionaire Hermit on a Budget

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No, I’m not interested in switching to Verizon Fios.

Do you seek the solitary life of a reclusive billionaire or James Bond villain, but lack the resources to buy a tropical island or build an army of bikini-clad robot security guards?

Even if you calculate your net worth in nickels and dimes, you can still live like a mad ruler of an isolated empire. Simply follow these easy steps.

  • Reconfigure your living space – With some creative decorating, you can make any studio apartment feel like a walled-off fortress in the Himalayas. Go heavy on the earth tones and add an audio loop of angry, exotic birds mating.
  • Stock 25 years of supplies – Plan carefully. For example, how will you feel about Dinty Moore Beef Stew after the 10,000th can.
  • Declare yourself ruler of your domain – Publish your manifesto on Facebook along with a photo of you wearing crown and scepter. Note: For added effect, make sure your Titanic movie poster is not in the background.
  • Security is essential – If your condo community forbids alligator-filled moats, consider hiring a retired snapping turtle to guard your foyer.
  • Adjust your personal hygiene to the new you – Because at last, you finally have the time to comb and curl your nose hairs.
  • A minimum amount of companionship is essential – Mechanical spouses or motorized significant others can be cost prohibitive. However, retrofitting an inflatable doll is a less expensive alternative. They are great listeners, tolerable lovers and never make demands on you.
  • Stay in touch with family and friends – Just because you’re off the grid doesn’t mean you can’t attend Thanksgiving dinners, family reunions and funerals via Skype.

Still feel having your own private paradise is beyond your reach? Remember: Introverts are incredible dreamers, a quality that enables them to accomplish practically anything in their minds. You may not live in a 100-story skyscraper surrounded by barbed wire on a tropical island. It doesn’t mean you can’t run a multinational envelope stuffing conglomerate from the comfort of your breakfast nook.

 

Alone Again, and Again and Again, Naturally

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Do you remember that moment you realized, “Hey, this is nice”?

Whether you are an introvert who prefers meditating in the woods, having a delicious dinner-for-one at a fancy restaurant or simply enjoying a peaceful year or two in the comfortable confines of your studio apartment, the solitary life is for you.

The challenge is integrating your less-than-social lifestyle with the rest of your daily routine. Any business management consultant will tell you it’s not easy running a multinational corporation from your Barcalounger. However, just because your idea of a manageable crowd is you, Ben and Jerry does not mean you can’t have a fulfilling life without compromising your values or occasionally encountering a human or two.

It is time for the solitary and happy you to stand up, look at yourself in the mirror and proclaim proudly, “Even if I never leave this room, I can accomplish anything, and I don’t have to shave my armpits.”

If an Introvert Sits Alone in the Forest Does it Get Any Better?

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Many people trace the discovery of introverts to Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung, a colleague of Sigmund Freud and tennis partner of a very young Dr. Phil. Before his ground-breaking theories on introversion, inwardly-thinking people who preferred being alone were considered possessed by arrogant and self-centered demons. Today, as a result of Jung’s research, a more-enlightened world views introverts as simply arrogant and self-centered.

The definition of introvert, like most forms of human behavior, depends on what turns up when you google it on the Internet. Generally speaking:

  • Introverts gain energy from being alone and lose energy while being in groups of people. Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy from being with people. This explains why the most effective warmup exercise for introverted athletes is sitting peacefully in their locker.
  • Introverts find being in crowds of people stressful. They avoid large noisy parties, business conferences, and medical operations in which the surgeon has more than two assistants. Whereas extroverts enjoy sharing deodorant tips with total strangers while commuting in a packed subway car.
  • Introverts are more reserved and reflective than extroverts. In fact, most exhibit anger by slightly exhaling and checking for text messages.
  • Introverts take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, taking long walks in the woods and appearing unapproachable.
  • Introverts are more analytical and think before they talk, sometimes days before deciding if they “want fries with that.” Extroverts, on the other hand, think about what they said hours later while nursing a black eye.
  • Introverts do not enjoy small talk. In fact, few can chat about the weather unless the conversation includes, cold fronts, doppler radars and why female meteorologists always wear sleeveless dresses.
  • Introverts have deep, rich inner-lives. For example, most introverted law students typically think about unicorns and tangerines while taking the bar exam.

Many people possess characteristics of both introverts and extroverts. For example, some introverts can’t stop engaging in small talk with themselves, asking, “What do I do for a living?” and “How much did I pay for this house?” In most cases, however, one personality favors the other. This is also why few personal ads read: “Naughty extrovert wants to explore my less talkative side.”

Myers Briggs? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Myers Briggs!

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Sure, you could answer a detailed and time-consuming questionnaire to find out if you are an introvert. Here’s an easier way. Answer these questions with a simple yes or no.

  • While most people enjoy the company of others, I love nothing more than a spirited conversation with myself.
  • I often feel alone in a crowd – even when it’s a crowd of my identical clones.
  • When working as an exotic dancer, I treasure my alone time before jumping out of bachelor’s party cakes.
  • I always choose my words carefully, particularly before screaming for help in a burning building.
  • When being examined at my optometrist office, it’s very hard for me to make eye contact with the eye chart.
  • I avoid any event that includes group participation, except silent auctions.
  • Whenever I’m in a room full of strangers, I usually talk politics with the most-informed lamp shade.
  • I always sit in the back of a room. Therefore, I never sit in round-shaped rooms.
  • People always tell me I need to come out of my shell. (Note: this question does not apply to clams and lobsters.)
  • I notice details others don’t. For example, if I read this test backwards it indicates whether I’m qualified to work in a Romanian call center.

If you answered yes to at least one question, congratulations, you are an introvert. Reward yourself with dinner-for-one at a five-star restaurant. If you answered no to at least one question, treat yourself to dinner, but feel free to make small talk with the maître d’.

Introvert Porn Star Seeks Solitude In Swinging Setting

Shy_Skyler_01by Shy Skyler

Dear Diary,

Today I begin my new job as a porn star. I’m hoping that being an introvert won’t prevent me from succeeding. At the very least, it can’t be worse than my last job as a court jester at a Saudi Arabian Renaissance Faire.

8:00 A.M. – I arrive on time and am very nervous. The room is full of naked strangers. I hang out by the donuts and a crate of condoms, hoping no one will notice me. Finally, a woman with a tattoo on her buttock, pierced nipples and horse blinders approaches me. She introduces herself: “Hi, I’m Betty the company accountant.” I’m nervous at first, but she’s very friendly and intuitive. We have an interesting conversation about tax shelters and multiple orgasms caused by excessive trampoline play.

9:15 A.M. – I meet my co-star for the morning. Her name is Ina “In My Face” Carona, and she’s immediately in my face with insipid questions like, “How long is your penis?” and “Would you like to have a threesome with a UPS man?” Just once I’d like to meet someone who enjoys talking about more meaningful things like Zen and the art of anonymous restroom sex.

9:45 A.M. – During our first scene, the director keeps telling me to grunt and groan more. Small and insignificant moaning has never been easy for me, so I start panting T.S. Eliot’s “The Waste Land.” After eight minutes, they assume I’m having a seizure and call 911.

10:15 A.M. – During a scenario in which I’m servicing a naughty nurse and a transgender pizza delivery person, a mixed-race dominatrix keeps asking me, “Why are you so quiet?” Finally, I can’t take it any longer and scream, “Because I’m an introverted cabana boy, dammit!” I thought I ruined the scene, but the director yelled, “That’s great! Use it!”

10:45 A.M. – They want me to join in a group sex scene. At his point, I’m totally exhausted by all this human interaction. I’d like nothing more than to go home and have sex with myself, but I have no choice. The orgy starts. I’m sitting by myself on a couch reading a magazine. The next thing I know, I’m body surfing over two sets of chubby twins. I must admit, I’m enjoying it, but after coming up for air the third time I’m ready to go home. I pretend to pull a hamstring while servicing the hostess on a chandelier, then slip out the back door and drive back to my apartment.

11:37 A.M. – Back home at last! I close the front door, fall into my large, comfortable reading chair and decompress. Nicole, my cat strolls across the room without showing the slightest inclination she wants to be stroked. She really gets me.