Firsts for America’s First Graduating College Class, Harvard 1642

First class to deny admission to an OWASP (Off White Anglo Saxton Protestant)

First and last class with no legacy students

First student to be punished for cheating by being placed in stocks.

First person named Saltonstall accepted without the assistance of another person named Saltonstall

First party hearty student nicknamed the Pukin’ Puritan

First student placed on probation for attending spring ball with a witch

First student to call the Mayflower his family yacht

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Things Pony Express Riders Ask Themselves

Should this horse have a mail slot?

What if I rode side saddle?

Am I taking work away from carrier pigeons?

Is it wrong to use dear John letters as toilet paper?

Would that coyote like to hear about my day?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Sections of Very First Newspaper (Relation Aller Fürnemmen Und Gedenckwürdigen Historien)

Front page headline: “Village Idiot Announces Retirement”

Sports: “Durchdenwald Decapitated in Death Match, Will Not Be Headed to Second Round”

Letters to Editor: “To the Editor: What is a newspaper?”

Advice columnist: “Dear Heidindrudis, Our eleven-year-old daughter wants to marry an elderly man twice her age.”

Obituary: “Rudegerus spent his final day doing what he loved the best: gasping for air.”

Editorial: “We disavow our last editorial and request our editorial editor be returned.”

Classified ad: “For sale – Suit of armor. Includes broken sword and remnants of previous owner”

Lifestyle: “Has the Plague Affected Your Self-Esteem?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Comments While Watching First Manned Hot Air Balloon Flight Over Paris

Balloon shla-moon. That’s a big fat pigeon.

Why didn’t they just fill a horse with hot air?

Do you think it could carry me from the kitchen to the dining room?

Impressive but where do the servants ride?

That reminds me; I need to see a doctor about my giant swollen testicle.

If man were meant to fly, God would’ve given him a softer tush to land on.

What a letdown! I thought “untethered” meant naked from the waist up.

No, they’re waving at me.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Holding In Your Thoughts Among Other Things

Real quick thoughts

  • Being able to hold in gas during your wedding vows should be considered a super power.
  • If one person is talking on the phone while having sex, is it considered a threesome?
  • Being on the second-string team is still better than being on the dental floss squad.

I believe

Amazon delivery people are mostly former Jehovah’s Witnesses who want to be more productive with their time.

Has this ever happened to you?

I told a man at the gym who was wiping down a machine that his heart didn’t really seem in it. He responded, “I’d tell you to go f*ck yourself if your criticism wasn’t so pathetic.” I shot back, “How dare you accuse me of being a pitifully insignificant soul! Can I have a hug?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Even More Trump Revelations!

The steady stream of books written about Donald J. Trump continue to shock and amaze a public now accustomed to being shocked and amazed.

Here are a few more mind-boggling facts that, let’s face it, probably won’t surprise you.

  • Trump’s first Mideast peace proposal included renaming Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, Trump International Hotel and Temple Mount.
  • The largest anonymous donor to the Trump campaign was by far a political group funded mostly by a Saudi Arabian orange hair dye magnate.
  • During his first year in office, Trump needed to be talked out of naming an ambassador to the International House of Pancakes.
  • The Trump Organization recruits most employees at job fairs held mostly on our country’s southern border.
  • During the height of the pandemic, Trump paid a high-priced prostitute $250,000 to order him to wear a mask.
  • Trump’s aids encouraged him to read his speeches strictly on a teleprompter by dangling freshly cooked cheeseburgers slightly above the top margin.
  • Corey Lewandowski would have been named secretary of state had he been able to find Great Britain on a map.
  • While recovering from Covid, Trump was replaced at a rally by a Benny Hilly impersonator with a pretty good New York accent.
  • To keep VP Mike Pence and Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy in line, Trump received secret obedience lessons from Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan.
  • Melania Trump has given husband Donald her approval for running for president again, but ONLY if he allows her write, produce, direct and star in “The Stormy Daniels Story.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

How To Make A New Friend Without Losing Most of Your Dignity

Everyone needs a friend, or at least one person who will pick you up at the airport or pay a ransom to a Nigerian prince.

Making new friends is never easy. However, there are ways to make the process easier. Here are just a few that don’t require paying someone to say, “No, those jeans definitely don’t make your left buttock look big.

  • Take initiative – You’ll never know if that perfect stranger you spot on the subway could be your best buddy unless you step forward and invite him hiking on the Appalachian Trail for a week.
  • Smile – A beaming grin will make you appear approachable. And even if it doesn’t lead to a burgeoning friendship, it may at least get you a good reference for some excellent psychotherapy.
  • Be a good listener – People appreciate an empathetic ear – as well as a sympathetic nose and a compassionate eyebrow.
  • Join a new club or organization – Just because a group is being monitored by the FBI doesn’t mean you won’t meet a lifelong friend at its yearly Aryan Resistance Barbecue.
  • Be open about your flaws – Sooner or later, someone will appreciate the fact that you’re a middle-aged man still living with your parents.
  • Be curious – People love to be asked questions. For example: “I noticed your name tag reads ‘Big Penis Parksdale.’ Is your middle name ‘Penis’?”
  • Try a new activity – Some of the most interesting people you’ll ever meet belong to Greek Orthodox fire walking clubs.
  • Step outside your comfort zone – Delivering a TED talk about losing your virginity to a pretzel kingpin from Königreich Romkerhall may seem like too much sharing, but how else are you going to meet other people who lost their virginity to someone from Königreich Romkerhall?
  • Be enthusiastic – You can’t imagine how many people will want to know more about you by simply screaming at the top of your lungs, “OH GOD, YES, SUPERSIZE IT!
  • Be yourself – Unless, of course you can be a more interesting version of you.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Quick Thoughts – 2

  • I don’t think my parents disliked me. They simply forgot to tell me where they lived.
  • There are so many sexual preferences nowadays. I’ve finally decided I’m a man trapped inside an ambivalent body.
  • Never mistake a knowing glance for an overconfident stare.

I believe

You should never buy a plunging stock that’s screaming “Geronimo!”

Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever dined with people who stage managed the event?

“Janice, you sit across from Ronald.”

“Nicole, sit next to Denise.”

Lorn, sit perpendicular to Bonnie.”

Barry, rest you head in Grandma’s lap.”

Terry, sit facing Roman, but don’t look at Debbie.

That’s why I often prefer dinner for one. The bread sticks never tell me where to sit.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Quick Thoughts

Real quick thoughts

  • I always thought it was important to be a results-oriented person until I impulsively screamed during sex: “I finished first!”
  • I’ve always wanted to argue a case before the Supreme Court, but I have a fear of being asked, “Do you even know what amicus curiae means?”
  • If you want to witness some nice brawling, accept any invitation to a Political Affiliation Reveal party.

Was I dreaming?

I have this vivid image of calling 911 and the operator only wanted to talk about her problems. After twenty minutes, I realized my burning home was less important than her disagreements with her roommate.

I believe

Every relationship begins with trust. Just provide me with blood and hair samples, and then let the magic begin.

Has this ever happened to you?

Last week, I was trying to think of something interesting to write about, but was distracted by a space alien captor probing my body orifices. Then a few days later, I headed into the woods for a little solitude, and wouldn’t you know it, Big Foot kidnapped me and insisted on showing me his new breakfast nook he carved out in his cave. These distractions are killing me. I think I’m just going to write about shopping for socks.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

For Me, All Bitch Faces Are Arresting

How can you tell if someone’s natural facial expression is a queasy grimace, commonly known as resting bitch face (RBF), or they are simply downright ornery?

As someone who’s often accused of looking like Jack the Ripper on his worst day – even while happily folding my laundry, I know what it’s like to be constantly asked, “Are you okay? Is everything alright?”

It’s precisely because of my sometime – okay, all the time – less-than-sunny facial expression that I give every angry, moping, sullen, surly face I encounter a free pass. Cutting a few ill-tempered characters some slack is a small price to pay for showing a little empathy for every RBF I meet.

I’ll absorb an icy glance from any might-be psychopath on the off chance they are actually a wonderful person who was voted Most Unapproachable in high school.

As someone who is regularly misjudged as a threat to society or, at the very least, a threat to my book club, who am I to judge folks who don’t say “Hi” while attempting to break into my car?

So your constant look of oncoming nausea regularly causes family and friends to dial 911. Big deal. It still beats trying to force a smile whenever a sales clerk says “Have a nice day.” (Note: According to many studies, so I’ve heard, more crimes are committed by smiling sales clerks than scowling proof readers.)

Will the world ever be more accepting of sullen facial expressions? Probably not. But here’s one thing you can count on: If your angry puss ever encounters my resting bitch face, it will be met with an accepting and non-judgmental frown.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”