Category: Personal Ad

My heart has visiting hours for you

I am looking for: A woman who will share my hopes, my dreams, my time zone.

Occupation: Online chiropractor

Education: Bachelor in arts, Hampshire College, majored in Science Fiction, minored in 23rd Century Literature

Proudest accomplishment: In a previous life I conceived the idea for the marshmallow while watching Joan of Arc burn at the stake.

Last great book I read: “Eat Pray Love from the Privacy of Your Home”

Music that puts me in the mood: The Velvet Underground Sings the Cole Porter Songbook, Vol. 2

Favorite movie: “All Quiet on the Western Front” It makes me long for the serenity of World War I.

My perfect getaway weekend: Flying to Zurich on my private jet, making passionate love at the airport, then flying back.

The five items I can’t live without: George Foreman Isolation tank, Daily 16-hour meditation, iPad, mePad, mylfPad.

Turn ons: Lusty Esperanto accent, Slender hand waving goodbye, Playful inner voices.

Turn offs: Talking about the weather (hot looking weatherwomen excluded), Being told I look like a James Bond villain, Inner voices that don’t respect my space.

More About Me: I’m just an average guy who lives alone on my private island somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere. I value my solitude, having last encountered another human in 1992. That doesn’t mean there isn’t room in my heart for a special woman — if you don’t mind living in my guest compound. I won’t lie; I’ve been called eccentric. But who are you going to trust, me or 30 eminently qualified psychiatrists and a government profiler?

What I’m looking for: I’d love to meet that special woman who knows the difference between being treasured and being held captive against her will. If you’ve dreamed about spending the rest of your life with a terrific guy via close circuit TV, dream no further. I can have a driver at your door within 30 seconds.

 

Eyes are the sealed shutters to the soul

 

I am looking for: A man who will love, respect, and cherish me from a safe distance

Occupation: Professional medical experiment participant

Education: Home colleged, double major in Philosophy and Laundry Folding

Proudest accomplishment: I’ve had a running monologue in my head for 14 years and have NEVER split an infinitive.

Last great book I read: “The Five People You Meet in Heaven and How to Avoid Them”

Music that puts me in the mood: Any show tune played on a dulcimer

Favorite movie: “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I prefer movies that end with fewer people.

My perfect getaway weekend: You and me, a Bed and Breakfast in the Berkshires, preferably in separate rooms

The five items I can’t live without: A new spot on my body to pierce, My imaginary life coach, Alienating-Thought-of-the-Day calendar, 23 3/4 hours to decompress, My lucky nose chain

Turn ons: Playful non-eye contact, Looking cute while shutting down, Flirting with my inner voice

Turn offs: Whistling nose ring, Dirty small talk, You flirting with another girl’s inner voice, Grammatically incorrect tattoos

More About Me: I’m your average goth girl next door. When not absorbed in my own thoughts, I like staring at people shopping and staring at people staring at me.

What I’m looking for: I’m looking for a guy who will avoid looking me straight in the eye and say, “You looked so hot in a previous life.” They say that all the good ones are possessed by the devil but I’m not giving up.