I used to obsess about my deficiencies Now I embrace them For example I used to beat myself up over being bad at punctuation Now I never worry about it
For years I hated what I perceived was my inability to have a normal relationship with another person Once I stopped trying to be perfect or even slightly less than middling I became a happier person Soon I developed a deep and meaningful relationship with a man or it might have been woman named Charlie whom I’ve never met in person but who loves me for what I am and the monthly bitcoin deposits I deposit in his or her account
Until recently I thought no one would ever publish my exhaustively researched 1378 page one sentence historical novel about the first known crew of 16th century asexual pirates Then surprise I found a semi workable laser printer in a dumpster and shazam my book is now for sale on Craigslist.
It doesn’t matter how many times you’re fired from jobs What is important is feeling good about yourself after yet another boss catches you turning tricks in the janitor’s closet and tells you to clear out your desk When a soon to be ex supervisor yells Without a doubt you are THE MOST incompetent person who has ever worked for this company it’s just another way of saying you are special
Remember life is not a win lose proposition Yes being competent and wildly successful has its perks but no one’s obituary ever included the words He always forgot to ask Do you want that Supersized
No matter how inept you are the key to a happy life is always feeling good about yourself even if you are really bad at feeling good about yourself And if that’s too hard well feeling meh is nothing to shake a stick at
She – I’m not ashamed of having a smoking hot nose. Sure, there are down sides; like always having to tell guys: “Hey, my eyes are up here, no, up another inch.” And people are constantly asking if I’ve had an implant. Hell no, I was born schnoz-alicious.
Jealous friends can be cruel, but I always say, don’t hate me because I have a sizzling snoot. If you’ve got it, flaunt it – and during the cold and flu season, blow it.
He – When God created me, he must’ve said, “Give him the Jamie Farr and don’t skimp.” I’m so thankful he/she did. Every time I walk into a bar (actually, my nose arrives a little earlier), the ladies immediately want to snuggle with my muzzle. Can you blame them? I don’t like to brag, but I have a tattoo of the Declaration of Independence on my beak, and that’s just on one nostril.
Would girls like me as much if I had a small honker? Perhaps, but I wouldn’t give up this prodigious proboscis for all the Kleenex in Kurdistan.
I’m finally learning to love myself. It’s been a long journey. At first, I wouldn’t give myself the time of day. Gradually, though, I loosened up and gave me a chance.
It began with a magical night to remember. After months of gathering my strength, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and popped the question: “Would I care to have dinner with me?” How could I refuse? Looking back, I realize I should have asked sooner. The answer would have always been yes.
I didn’t play easy, though. It was my third date before I gave me a goodnight hug – after asking for permission, of course. I and I have been together ever since.
And what a difference loving myself has made! No longer do I sit alone on Friday nights wishing I was with someone else. I’m with me now, that special one who’s always up for a movie, dinner or just a quiet evening at home watching TV – and if the mood is right, shadow dancing to my favorite songs.
To think, I have spent most of my life feeling alone and depressed, when the one person who knows me better than anyone has always been right here inside of me – and has never complained I keep the thermostat too low.
I love me. No explanations needed, except for our wedding invitations.
“Lori Loughlin Asks for Passport Back Following College Admissions Scandal Prison Sentence” – Then it’s straight to International House of Pancakes.
“Jennifer Lopez Admits She and Alex Rodriguez Went to Therapy Amid COVID-19 Pandemic” – “…and then, Doctor, I caught him fist bumping the cabana girl.”
“Justin Timberlake Apologizes to Ex Britney Spears and Janet Jackson After Backlash” – “And while I’m at it, I take full responsibility for being the lookout at a Citibank® heist in 2003.”
“Former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Calls Dale Moss and Clare Crawley Split ‘Disappointing’” – Question: How long can you call yourself “Former Bachelorette” before your friends start to say, “It’s time to move on with your life.”
“Hailey Bieber shares touching tribute to her ‘Valentine’ Justin Bieber with PDA-filled slideshow with snaps from their wedding and tropical getaways” – “And here’s a shot of our hotel maid in the bathroom wrestling an iguana.”
“Chris Pratt proves he’s willing to go the distance for love as he flies back from Australia to celebrate Valentine’s Day with wife Katherine Schwarzenegger” – His final relationship test will be learning to spell “Schwarzenegger.”
“Brooke Burke EXCLUSIVE: The Dancing with The Stars vet, 49, reveals her top FIVE secrets for looking as good as she did when she was in her 20s” – Number One secret: Never appear in public without wearing a hazmat suit.
The only time I’ve felt comfortable in a crowd was at my intervention.
Show me a lonely billionaire, and I’ll show you someone incapable of building a robot friend.
I know I should love myself, but I’m not ready for a committed relationship.
I cried because I had no shoes until someone said, “You have lovely toes.”
I don’t like to rush people. Whenever I take someone’s picture, I always say, “Count to 250 and say cheese.”
Bad conversation starter: Nice shopping cart. Where did you steal it?
You are on a train that leaves the station at noon. The train is 187 miles from its destination at 2:45 p.m. and 90 miles from its destination at 4:15 p.m. How far will the train travel before you speak to the passenger sitting next to you?
I coulda been a contender, but I’m horrible at job interviews.
Networking tip: Share your experiences. People may not connect your face with your business card, but they’ll never forget the woman who talked about her alien abduction.
If I always listened with my heart, what would I do with my ears?
South Dakota Republican Rep Dusty Johnson asked his constituents to decide whether he should receive the COVID-19 vaccine now or wait until it is widely available. The response has been so strong, Johnson has decided to poll his voters on other issues.
“Should I order pepperoni or sausage on my pizza”?
“If my wife is out and I get a phone call asking ‘Is the woman of the house is there,’ should I say no or fake a woman’s voice and say, ‘This is she.’”
“Hypothetically speaking, if my political opponent claims he has a video of me illegally parking in a handicapped space in 2012, should I own up to my misdeed or claim I was saving the spot for my mother’s mobility scooter”?
“If I am continually criticized for being noncommittal and indecisive, should I hire a consultant to help me formulate a forceful and convincing response?”