South Dakota Republican Rep Dusty Johnson asked his constituents to decide whether he should receive the COVID-19 vaccine now or wait until it is widely available. The response has been so strong, Johnson has decided to poll his voters on other issues.
“Should I order pepperoni or sausage on my pizza”?
“If my wife is out and I get a phone call asking ‘Is the woman of the house is there,’ should I say no or fake a woman’s voice and say, ‘This is she.’”
“Hypothetically speaking, if my political opponent claims he has a video of me illegally parking in a handicapped space in 2012, should I own up to my misdeed or claim I was saving the spot for my mother’s mobility scooter”?
“If I am continually criticized for being noncommittal and indecisive, should I hire a consultant to help me formulate a forceful and convincing response?”
Sure, you could answer a detailed and time-consuming questionnaire to find out if you are an introvert. Here’s an easier way. Answer these questions with a simple yes or no.
While most people enjoy the company of others, I love nothing more than a spirited conversation with myself.
I often feel alone in a crowd – even when it’s a crowd of my identical clones.
When working as an exotic dancer, I treasure my alone time before jumping out of bachelor’s party cakes.
I always choose my words carefully, particularly before screaming for help in a burning building.
When being examined at my optometrist office, it’s very hard for me to make eye contact with the eye chart.
I avoid any event that includes group participation, except silent auctions.
Whenever I’m in a room full of strangers, I usually talk politics with the most-informed lamp shade.
I always sit in the back of a room. Therefore, I never sit in round-shaped rooms.
People always tell me I need to come out of my shell. (Note: this question does not apply to clams and lobsters.)
I notice details others don’t. For example, if I read this test backwards it indicates whether I’m qualified to work in a Romanian call center.
If you answered yes to at least one question, congratulations, you are an introvert. Reward yourself with dinner-for-one at a five-star restaurant. If you answered no to at least one question, treat yourself to dinner, but feel free to make small talk with the maître d’.
Introvert Hall of Fame executive director, Regina Reclusaconti announced this year’s inductees. Some notable honorees include:
Helen “Muffin” English – Longtime White House correspondent English never asked a question for 32 years until her final day when she demanded to know the location of the ladies room.
Thelma Anne Louise – Sears and Roebuck employee Louise is the only cashier in history to process over a million sales transactions without engaging a customer in small talk. The closest she came to idle chatter was in 1968 when she told a shopper, “Your fly is down.”
Myra“Cloudy” Myers – Myers maintained a 4.00 grade point average from kindergarten through graduate school while constantly staring out the classroom window. She has since founded a charity for indigent former teachers who said she’d never amount to anything.
Hank “Got My Back” Reardon – The master of avoiding attention, Reardon has never met a back wall he didn’t cling to. His motto: Have obstructed view, will travel. Hank is the only chairman of a Fortune 500 company to address shareholders from a janitor’s closet.
Ernie “Frozen Call” Dawkins – In an unintentional groundbreaking experiment, telemarketer Dawkins proved that staring at a phone while in a cold sweat for 8 hours a day is not conducive to selling vinyl siding.
Cecil “Sweaty Palms” Singletary – Dating mavenSingletary has driven over 100,000 miles around the city blocks to avoid arriving at singles mixers early. His circular travels also earned him an inadvertent induction into the Stalkers Hall of Fame.
Ilia Onandon – NPR talk show host Onandon has interviewed one guest since 1985: himself. Few will forget his 2003 Valentine’s Day discussion in which he proposed to his inner voice and was rejected.
At the honorees request, the formal induction will be conducted by registered mail.
Google the word “introvert” and you’ll find countless websites waxing poetic about these moody wonders. Are they quiet spiritual souls or personality-deficient party poopers? The truth lies somewhere in between. The following clarifies a few introvert myths.
Introverts are quiet because they always think about deep and spiritual things.
Some introverts need a lot of time thinking about whether to have pepperoni or sausage pizza.
Introverts hate small talk because it bores them.
Some introverts love discussing how much the hosts paid for their house.
Introverts are great writers.
Some introverts are great at writing home for money.
Introverts hate being in crowds.
Some introverts like to rub gently against passengers on crowded subways.
Human interaction exhausts introverts.
Some introverts don’t want you to know they love watching TV for hours while eating junk food.
Introverts are good at seeing the big picture.
Some introverts think the big picture involves government control of our tooth paste reserves.
Introverts have a constant, rich and fascinating inner monologue.
Some introverts can bore even themselves.
Introverts are very sensitive people.
Some introverts will ask you to pass the ketchup while you’re telling them your dog passed away.
Introverts intrigue people.
Some introverts scare people.
Introverts have the most interesting friends.
Some introverts can’t distinguish between fascinating and certifiably insane.
Being introverted used to bother me. As the years pass, however, I’ve grown more comfortable in my reclusive skin – even when my eczema flares up.
I used to think, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so averse to social interaction?” Then I realized the one person who can make me happy has been in my head all the time. I may seem like a quiet soul, but put me in a room with my own thoughts and you can’t shut us up.
I love sitting all day in a chair while contemplating back support and Barcaloungers. The fire department occasionally breaks down my door to see if I’m alive. That’s enough social stimulation for me.
There was a time I tried to fit in with the rest of the world. I even belonged to a sorority in college. My sisters meant well, but there’s a name for that kind of non-stop friendliness, affection and emotional support: hazing.
Relationships have always been challenging. I dated one woman for three years. We were inseparable until she returned from her job overseas. She was a great gal but I felt lost without our long periods of separation, plus I missed the mind-blowing long-distance sexting.
My parents are extroverts and have never understood me. How else can you explain them fixing me up with Frank Sinatra Jr.? (Nice guy, though. When it became obvious we weren’t hitting it off, he sent me Nancy’s phone number.) It’s only been recently I’ve been able to look at them indirectly in the eye and say, “Mom, Dad, I love you.”
A wise man – okay, a pretty bright lyricist – once said, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” For some people maybe, but not if you don’t mind a fireman’s ax crashing through your door now and then.
Cecile Singular wrote the best-selling book, Become a Millionaire without Leaving Your Closet.
For many introverts, home is where the heart is sitting behind the other hearts.
When introverts enter a classroom – or any room – many look for that one special seat in the back. It beckons: “Come, sit, relax, away from the maddening class.”
Contrary to popular opinion, observing the world from the rearmost view isn’t so bad. Are you really concerned that your dying words will be, “Why wasn’t I friendlier with that girl in sophomore geometry class who always sat in the front row and did her homework on time?”
If you choose to be a back sitter, here are some tips to make your stay more enjoyable.
Sit behind a large person. They’re great shields and provide effective soundproofing.
Always have at least 10 excuses handy for when you’re caught staring out the window. For example: a) I think I just figured out a cure for cancer. b) That’s exactly how the sky looked on the day I was placed in an orphanage.
Never sit behind a student who participates enthusiastically in class. Watching an arm continually rise for attention causes severe exhaustion.
If your lifelong dream is be a ventriloquist, never use students sitting more than 10-feet away as practice dummies.
As a courtesy, always share your seat with other introverts. Simply get up, point to the chair, and of course, avoid eye contact.