“Lori Loughlin Asks for Passport Back Following College Admissions Scandal Prison Sentence” – Then it’s straight to International House of Pancakes.
“Jennifer Lopez Admits She and Alex Rodriguez Went to Therapy Amid COVID-19 Pandemic” – “…and then, Doctor, I caught him fist bumping the cabana girl.”
“Justin Timberlake Apologizes to Ex Britney Spears and Janet Jackson After Backlash” – “And while I’m at it, I take full responsibility for being the lookout at a Citibank® heist in 2003.”
“Former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Calls Dale Moss and Clare Crawley Split ‘Disappointing’” – Question: How long can you call yourself “Former Bachelorette” before your friends start to say, “It’s time to move on with your life.”
“Hailey Bieber shares touching tribute to her ‘Valentine’ Justin Bieber with PDA-filled slideshow with snaps from their wedding and tropical getaways” – “And here’s a shot of our hotel maid in the bathroom wrestling an iguana.”
“Chris Pratt proves he’s willing to go the distance for love as he flies back from Australia to celebrate Valentine’s Day with wife Katherine Schwarzenegger” – His final relationship test will be learning to spell “Schwarzenegger.”
“Brooke Burke EXCLUSIVE: The Dancing with The Stars vet, 49, reveals her top FIVE secrets for looking as good as she did when she was in her 20s” – Number One secret: Never appear in public without wearing a hazmat suit.
The only time I’ve felt comfortable in a crowd was at my intervention.
Show me a lonely billionaire, and I’ll show you someone incapable of building a robot friend.
I know I should love myself, but I’m not ready for a committed relationship.
I cried because I had no shoes until someone said, “You have lovely toes.”
I don’t like to rush people. Whenever I take someone’s picture, I always say, “Count to 250 and say cheese.”
Bad conversation starter: Nice shopping cart. Where did you steal it?
You are on a train that leaves the station at noon. The train is 187 miles from its destination at 2:45 p.m. and 90 miles from its destination at 4:15 p.m. How far will the train travel before you speak to the passenger sitting next to you?
I coulda been a contender, but I’m horrible at job interviews.
Networking tip: Share your experiences. People may not connect your face with your business card, but they’ll never forget the woman who talked about her alien abduction.
If I always listened with my heart, what would I do with my ears?
South Dakota Republican Rep Dusty Johnson asked his constituents to decide whether he should receive the COVID-19 vaccine now or wait until it is widely available. The response has been so strong, Johnson has decided to poll his voters on other issues.
“Should I order pepperoni or sausage on my pizza”?
“If my wife is out and I get a phone call asking ‘Is the woman of the house is there,’ should I say no or fake a woman’s voice and say, ‘This is she.’”
“Hypothetically speaking, if my political opponent claims he has a video of me illegally parking in a handicapped space in 2012, should I own up to my misdeed or claim I was saving the spot for my mother’s mobility scooter”?
“If I am continually criticized for being noncommittal and indecisive, should I hire a consultant to help me formulate a forceful and convincing response?”
Sure, you could answer a detailed and time-consuming questionnaire to find out if you are an introvert. Here’s an easier way. Answer these questions with a simple yes or no.
While most people enjoy the company of others, I love nothing more than a spirited conversation with myself.
I often feel alone in a crowd – even when it’s a crowd of my identical clones.
When working as an exotic dancer, I treasure my alone time before jumping out of bachelor’s party cakes.
I always choose my words carefully, particularly before screaming for help in a burning building.
When being examined at my optometrist office, it’s very hard for me to make eye contact with the eye chart.
I avoid any event that includes group participation, except silent auctions.
Whenever I’m in a room full of strangers, I usually talk politics with the most-informed lamp shade.
I always sit in the back of a room. Therefore, I never sit in round-shaped rooms.
People always tell me I need to come out of my shell. (Note: this question does not apply to clams and lobsters.)
I notice details others don’t. For example, if I read this test backwards it indicates whether I’m qualified to work in a Romanian call center.
If you answered yes to at least one question, congratulations, you are an introvert. Reward yourself with dinner-for-one at a five-star restaurant. If you answered no to at least one question, treat yourself to dinner, but feel free to make small talk with the maître d’.
Introvert Hall of Fame executive director, Regina Reclusaconti announced this year’s inductees. Some notable honorees include:
Helen “Muffin” English – Longtime White House correspondent English never asked a question for 32 years until her final day when she demanded to know the location of the ladies room.
Thelma Anne Louise – Sears and Roebuck employee Louise is the only cashier in history to process over a million sales transactions without engaging a customer in small talk. The closest she came to idle chatter was in 1968 when she told a shopper, “Your fly is down.”
Myra“Cloudy” Myers – Myers maintained a 4.00 grade point average from kindergarten through graduate school while constantly staring out the classroom window. She has since founded a charity for indigent former teachers who said she’d never amount to anything.
Hank “Got My Back” Reardon – The master of avoiding attention, Reardon has never met a back wall he didn’t cling to. His motto: Have obstructed view, will travel. Hank is the only chairman of a Fortune 500 company to address shareholders from a janitor’s closet.
Ernie “Frozen Call” Dawkins – In an unintentional groundbreaking experiment, telemarketer Dawkins proved that staring at a phone while in a cold sweat for 8 hours a day is not conducive to selling vinyl siding.
Cecil “Sweaty Palms” Singletary – Dating mavenSingletary has driven over 100,000 miles around the city blocks to avoid arriving at singles mixers early. His circular travels also earned him an inadvertent induction into the Stalkers Hall of Fame.
Ilia Onandon – NPR talk show host Onandon has interviewed one guest since 1985: himself. Few will forget his 2003 Valentine’s Day discussion in which he proposed to his inner voice and was rejected.
At the honorees request, the formal induction will be conducted by registered mail.
Google the word “introvert” and you’ll find countless websites waxing poetic about these moody wonders. Are they quiet spiritual souls or personality-deficient party poopers? The truth lies somewhere in between. The following clarifies a few introvert myths.
Introverts are quiet because they always think about deep and spiritual things.
Some introverts need a lot of time thinking about whether to have pepperoni or sausage pizza.
Introverts hate small talk because it bores them.
Some introverts love discussing how much the hosts paid for their house.
Introverts are great writers.
Some introverts are great at writing home for money.
Introverts hate being in crowds.
Some introverts like to rub gently against passengers on crowded subways.
Human interaction exhausts introverts.
Some introverts don’t want you to know they love watching TV for hours while eating junk food.
Introverts are good at seeing the big picture.
Some introverts think the big picture involves government control of our tooth paste reserves.
Introverts have a constant, rich and fascinating inner monologue.
Some introverts can bore even themselves.
Introverts are very sensitive people.
Some introverts will ask you to pass the ketchup while you’re telling them your dog passed away.
Introverts intrigue people.
Some introverts scare people.
Introverts have the most interesting friends.
Some introverts can’t distinguish between fascinating and certifiably insane.
Being introverted used to bother me. As the years pass, however, I’ve grown more comfortable in my reclusive skin – even when my eczema flares up.
I used to think, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so averse to social interaction?” Then I realized the one person who can make me happy has been in my head all the time. I may seem like a quiet soul, but put me in a room with my own thoughts and you can’t shut us up.
I love sitting all day in a chair while contemplating back support and Barcaloungers. The fire department occasionally breaks down my door to see if I’m alive. That’s enough social stimulation for me.
There was a time I tried to fit in with the rest of the world. I even belonged to a sorority in college. My sisters meant well, but there’s a name for that kind of non-stop friendliness, affection and emotional support: hazing.
Relationships have always been challenging. I dated one woman for three years. We were inseparable until she returned from her job overseas. She was a great gal but I felt lost without our long periods of separation, plus I missed the mind-blowing long-distance sexting.
My parents are extroverts and have never understood me. How else can you explain them fixing me up with Frank Sinatra Jr.? (Nice guy, though. When it became obvious we weren’t hitting it off, he sent me Nancy’s phone number.) It’s only been recently I’ve been able to look at them indirectly in the eye and say, “Mom, Dad, I love you.”
A wise man – okay, a pretty bright lyricist – once said, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” For some people maybe, but not if you don’t mind a fireman’s ax crashing through your door now and then.
Cecile Singular wrote the best-selling book, Become a Millionaire without Leaving Your Closet.