Ask Robot Woman


Dear Robot Woman,

Ashley and I had been dating for twelve and one half hours before deciding to move in together. Minutes later we were in lock-down.

In retrospect, we may have rushed things. It’s now been five months and I still haven’t gotten used to her whistling through her nose while she flosses her teeth. And for some unexplained reason, she seems irritated by my yodeling during sex.

I realize it takes time for couples to get to know each other, but have we jumped the cohabitating gun?

Suffocating in Southampton

Dear Southampton,

Living together often gets off to a rocky start, but your differences may not be insurmountable. Just because someone whistles while they floss shouldn’t make you ignore their better qualities, like healthy gums. And who hasn’t yodeled a tune or two while in the throes of passionate lovemaking?

The important thing to remember is love conquers all, except in my case, getting use to a cyborg that processes data with its mouth full. There are, after all, limits to everything.

Dear Robot Woman,

I’m dating a guy who is perfect in almost every way except for one thing: He doesn’t believe in wearing a mask — anywhere. He thinks it’s a violation of his constitutional rights, plus he loves catching insects with his tongue. He claims they’re a great source of protein.

His refusal to wear face covering has already cost him nine jobs including four as an operating surgeon. I know he’s wrong, but every time I threaten to leave him he surprises me with a romantic dinner of broiled crickets. After that, I’m putty in his hands. Should I give him another chance or find a more responsible partner who doesn’t bug me.

Hopping helpless in Tuscaloosa

Dear Hopping,

So you’re worried about ending a relationship with a selfish man who isn’t concerned about transmitting a deadly disease; who catches insects with his tongue; and whose idea of romance is serving you a plate of dead insects?

Give me a call. I’d like to introduce you to my sister’s no-good, unemployed android that still lives in her basement.

Robot Woman is a friend and colleague of Ben Alper who writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Social Recluse Dolly Lama Attempts Deep Thinking Record

History could be made when self-absorbed, deep thinker extraordinaire, Dolly Lama attempts a record-setting journey to her previously-unexplored emotional depths. No one has ever focused longer and more intensely on inconsequential and mundane thoughts than she, but this could be her deepest self-absorption yet.

Lama, who last year spent an amazing 329 consecutive hours wondering why a Tinder date hadn’t called her back, plans to go further while obsessing about a workmate who gave her a funny look when she asked for the time.

She also holds a previous record of 297 hours set while questioning her decision to wear a striped halter top at a friend’s cookout. That record was broken shortly after by Leo Lawnfeld who spent 311 hours fixating on an old girlfriend who left him for a gender fluid airline pilot.

Dolly has been unintentionally training hard. Her daily workout regimen includes:

  • Wondering why she’s never had a successful long-term relationship.
  • Wondering why she’s never had a successful short-term relationship.
  • Questioning why as a child she didn’t sell more Girl Scout cookies.
  • Contemplating whether she’s responsible for her sister joining a book discussion group dedicated to the works of Sidney Sheldon.
  • Worrying if anyone will notice her new Zoom background.
  • Feeling guilty because she told an automated phone solicitation to F*ck off.

Asked why she spends most of her waking hours consumed in her own thoughts, Lama thought for a few days and responded, “That’s a good question. I’ll get back to you next year with an answer.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

It’s Our Constitutional Right to (Insert here)!

Thank you, amateur legal scholars who’ve enlightened us about rules and regulations that violate our Constitutional rights. Without you, how would we know:

  • The government has no right to make us wear a mask in public, except on Halloween.
  • The Second Amendment clearly gives us the right a register and protect ourselves with a bazooka.
  • Nowhere in the Bill of Rights does it say anything about sharing a restroom with women who used to be named Phil.

When it comes to violating our most basic human and Constitutional rights, our overreaching government is just getting started.

Consider the following:

  • Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. be dammed, we have a right to yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater — and then yell, “No, I really mean it, Fire!”
  • Don’t let anyone tell you differently. It is our Constitutional right to say “Merry Christmas” at a Passover Seder.
  • Regardless of what you read in the Harvard Law Review, no one can stop you from co-owning a timeshare with your pet miniature schnauzer.
  • It goes without saying, the Second Amendment grants us the right to bear arms including your own personal B-1 bomber.
  • Ignore those lefties at the New York Times. If you are a justice of the peace, you have every right to refuse marrying two Civil War reenactors dressed as General Ulysses S. Grant.
  • Ask yourself this? Where in the Declaration of Independence does it say we can’t fire off illegal fireworks in our living rooms?
  • Free enterprise is the bedrock of our country. Don’t let any health inspector tell you your restaurant can’t sell hydroxychloroquine smoothies.
  • And speaking of health, Obamacare be dammed, we must never give up the right to  purchase a health plan that costs more than the gross national income of Sri Lanka.
  •  I dare you to find anything in the Federalists Papers that says you can’t fly on Delta, TWA or United Airlines with a rabid service dog.
  • Our country was founded on the belief in God. We should be able to attend any church service that has a reasonable COVID-19 infection rate.

Stay vigilant, patriots!

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

 

What are People Wearing Masks Thinking?

It’s hard to tell to tell what people wearing masks are thinking. Here’s a simple guide to help.

“Yes, my mask matches my underwear.”

 

“Dear God, I should never have ordered the liver and onions.”

 

 

“Don’t you recognize me? We lived together for 12 years.”

 

“I feel like robbing a liquor store.”

 

“Now can I pee in the pool?”


“Doesn’t this make awkward silence almost enjoyable?”

 

“This isn’t fair. My upper lip is my best feature.”

 



“(Sigh) No offense, but my old boyfriend could really fill out a mask.”

 

“Maybe I should’ve just stayed home.”

 

“I think I inhaled a rhinestone.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

 

Things I’ve Never Told Anyone

  • I never went to my junior or senior high school proms because I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t pronounce “cummerbund.”

 

  • When people ask me, “What are you thinking?”, I always say what I think they want to hear – even if I’m thinking, “She should really have someone look at the mole.”

 

  • When I die, I’d like to be buried laying on my side watching TV.

 

  • The one thing I wish I could say to strangers is, “You really need to start using deodorant.”

 

  • When asked at job interviews if I like working with people, I always say “yes.” If I was totally honest, I’d say: “No, I do my best work in a moderate-sized rental storage unit.”

 

  • Whenever I wear a mask, I mumble disdainful things about people who aren’t wearing masks.

 

  • When people in passing boats wave at me, I wave back, but my heart isn’t in it.

 

  • I’m so bad at math I can’t even count calories.

 

  • If we’re introduced, I won’t remember your name, but I will remember if you’re missing a tooth.

 

  • When I voted during the last election, I took two “I Voted” stickers in case I forget to vote in the next election.

 

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Thoughts While in Introvert Lockdown

  • Voted Most Likely to Have Resting Bitch Face — While taking a break from obsessing about nothing in particular, I perused my high school senior yearbook. As I thumbed through page after page of graduating senior photos, one thing stood out: Numerous classmate’s facial expressions were as grim as mine often is. In fact, they looked as if they were about to testify in front of a grand jury. And me? There I was, Mr. Bitchface beaming brighter than a Florida orange juice commercial. The irony of it all made me break out in a semi-grimace.
  • This is why you always see rabbits dining alone — According to the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences, introverts are more likely to eat plant-based diets. It also explains why the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) questionnaire doesn’t ask “How would you like your steak cooked?”
  • Extroverts ahoy! — I was standing on a wharf near my house, and a pleasure boat loaded with happy passengers pulled up. They waived at me. I waived back. I felt a bit uncomfortable but also smugly proud. As my hand moved slowly back and forth, I thought: “This won’t suffice for a deep conversation, but I’m sure it will make you feel validated. And by the way, why aren’t any of you wearing masks?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

After Military Says No, Trump Must Look Elsewhere for Protest Control. Here are Some Suggestions.

Trump wanted to send 10,000 active-duty troops into the streets of Washington, DC until military aides convinced him otherwise. He has since used everything at his disposal against the demonstrators including personnel from the U.S. Secret Service, National Guard, Customs and Border Protection and more.

Given the growing anti-Trump fervor, this still may not be enough. Here are some other loyal resources he can tap.

  • Mall cops — No one is more imposing than a uniformed person with a badge and a book of Cinnabon coupons.
  • Meter maids — Five words: “Stop or I’ll ticket you!”
  • Unemployed Olive Garden busboys — They’ve got unlimited bread sticks and are not afraid to use them.
  • Civil War impersonators — Isn’t it about time we see what these folks can do in a real fight?
  • Boy Scout Troop 27, Fort Wayne, Indiana — Most have earned their merit badges in Knot Tying and Pepper Spraying.
  • Amazon delivery drivers — Nothing clears a street faster than a wave of hurled packages.
  • “The Bachelor” Runner-up Alumni Association — Imagine an army of rejected women so desperate for any exposure, they’d risk a TMZ clip showing them kneeing a 75-year-old grandmother in the groin.
  • Junior high school hall monitors — These are some of the world’s leading experts in pedestrian flow control and chewing gum detection.
  • Radio City Rockettes — They kick high. They kick ass.
  • Assault rifle-wielding American Yahoos — What better way to audition for the next Trump acting cabinet secretary position?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Bigfoot Talks About Struggling With Forced Isolation


At a time when people struggle with forced isolation, who better than Bigfoot, aka Sasquatch to offer insights on living alone like the plague?

I recently caught up with him, partaking in his usual regimen: fleeing civilization.

How are you holding up during the pandemic?

Aside from evading an increasing number of mask-wearing hikers, my life is about the same.

I imagine many of them are tired of being cooped up in their homes.

I understand, but, there’s a reason why no one has ever taken a blurry photo of me sitting in their living room. I respect their space. I wish they would respect mine.

Speaking of photos, I’ve never seen a picture of you with anyone. Would you describe yourself as a loner?

That pretty much sums me up. But I’m not antisocial. It’s just hard for me to connect with people and other creatures.

How so?

I try to fit in. When peering at people from behind trees or bushes, I want to jump out and say, “Hey, that happened to me too.” or “I know how you feel.” But it just doesn’t feel natural.

I’ve never enjoyed being the center of attention, so living alone works best for me. However, it doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally dream about kanoodling with a sexy young primate.

What advice can you give people for whom human interaction is normal and are currently struggling without it?

Non-stop socialization is overrated. I get it. You miss holding your grandchild or shaking hands with a car salesman. But you can’t tell me you haven’t dreamed about waking up by yourself on a crisp clear winter morning under a pile of leaves. If you feel you can’t go a few months without the familiar touch of a loved one, take a deep breath, close your eyes and embrace your inner hobo.

And that’s enough for you?

More than enough – especially if I’ve just been visited by a chipmunk won’t stop yakking about its vacation to the swamp.

I won’t lie to you. Being the world’s number one recluse is a stressful job. Sometimes I want to pour my heart out to someone, anyone. Most of the time, though, I’m at peace with myself. I couldn’t handle someone constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” or “When are you going to shave your body?”

What about people who, during these challenging times, feel desperate for any kind of intimacy?

I confess, on those rare occasions when I need some sort of human/semi-human interaction, I do online dating.

Really? I don’t mean to be insulting, but how do dates feel about your physical appearance?

I use a profile picture of James Franco, because I feel he best fits my personality. By the time my dates start to catch on, I’m usually exhausted from chatting about favorite Netflix series and 600-thread-count sheets. I’m ready to flee the cybercafe and head back into the wilderness.

To conclude, what is your number one advice for people accustomed to constant human interaction and contact, and are now struggling without it?

As the song goes, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, Love the one you’re with.” It can be your spouse, your partner or your old Farrah Fawcett poster. Even an annoying chipmunk that over-explains everything but has a cute smile.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Grubby Trumpy

A cybercriminal gang is threatening a ransomware attack on New York celebrity lawyer Allen Grubman’s firm Grubman, Shire, Meiselas and Sacks (GSMS). They’ve doubled their ransom demand to $42 million and have promised to publish compromising information on A-list stars including President Trump, according to reports.

I’ve been able to get my hands on some of the Trump files. Most include complaints about fast food orders that skimped on the French fries. But there were a few other interesting correspondences.

December 15, 2000: Hi Grubby, I’m sorry to keep asking you this but do you spell lawyer with one or two Ws?

November 9, 2001: Eric is out of my will until he gets his SAT scores above 100.

August 8, 2003: I can assure you, the countless letters, videos, audio tapes and 53 signed affidavits are all lies. And I had no idea there was a hooker sending text messages to Page Six from my Mar a Lago bedroom closet.

June 8, 2008: It’s very simple: I didn’t pay my cleaning lady for three months because I had lost confidence in her ability to dust.

September 12, 2011: Quick question. My iPhone doesn’t work. I dropped it in the toilet again. Can we sue Apple?

February 7, 2012: If my cook sculps cows out of Spam, can we then call them Trump Steaks?

May 8, 2015: Important!!! Cease Trump Tower eviction proceedings immediately for Skippy Putin. I had no idea who his older brother was.

January 12, 2016: I need to know something very quickly, and this is purely hypothetical. Say I’m standing in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody. From a legal standpoint, can I deduct the bullets as a business expense?

July 10, 2018: Allen, check your law books and the Constitution again. There has to be a way to change “In God We Trust” to “In Trump We Trust.”

January 3, 2020: I’m just spit balling here but can I pardon myself now for anything I’m convicted of after I leave office?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Really Reaching Out – Hey, Remember Me?

During these challenging times, it’s important to reach out to friends, ask how they’re doing and let them know you’ve been thinking about them.

Lately, however, friends have told me, “Yes, I’m fine. I was fine when you called yesterday and the day before and the day before, and ….” So I decided to reach out to other people who might need some friendly words and support.

  • I contacted the kid who bullied me in the third grade. I think he still feels bad for stuffing my head in the boy’s room toilet, because he only halfheartedly professed not to have remembered the incident that forever emotionally damaged me. Interesting though, he now works for Roto Rooter.
  • I made a point of making sincere eye contact with a guy who lives one floor below me. We’ve never spoken to each other even though I’ve mumbled “hi” underneath my mask. I’m afraid I may have frightened him, because he reported me to the condo board.
  • I emailed a former workmate who I’m almost positive stole my yogurt from the break room refrigerator in 2003. She remembered. In fact, she immediately responded, “I didn’t take your damn yogurt. It’s time to let it go.” That’s the kind of toughness that will sustain her during these trying times.
  • I tracked down a woman with whom I had one Tinder date. I forgave her for not looking like her profile picture. She forgave me for accidentally posting a photo of Brad Pitt. We both wished each other well and told each other to stay safe.
  • I once threatened a high school acquaintance because he, not I, was voted Most Friendly in our senior class. I wished him well and told him we’re all in this together, as I was being arrested for violating a still-active restraining order.
  • I called my former dog walker and offered her a heartfelt virtual belly rub.
  • I gave an extra friendly hello to a Walmart greeter whom I had shunned after I realized I wasn’t the only person to whom he was being nice. I also plan to find out where he lives and greet him when he arrives home — from a safe distance, of course.
  • A few years ago, I crashed into a woman driving a car, totaling mine. The insurance company ruled in her favor, thus raising my rates for years. I called her, apologized for appealing the judgement 38 times, and assured her we’re going to be okay.
  • A few weeks back, a man in a public restroom got very upset with me when I noted he only sang Happy Birthday one and a half times while washing his hands. I never got his name, but I left a message on Craigslist saying I’m pulling for him.
  • And finally, I sent a warm note to a local actress I once saw portray Nurse Ratched in a community theatre production of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” because we should support ALL our healthcare professionals.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”