5 Signs You Are a Salem Witch Possessed by The Devil

You’ve signed up for a caldron stirring workshop.

You’ve named your children Lucyfer, and Beelzeboobala.

Your Puritan ideals of self-control and discipline have been supplanted by slow waltzing with beavers and squirrels.

You’ve started speaking in tongues, except your tongue now speaks perfect Latin.

You are haunted each night by an evil spirit that repeatedly wails: “Stop hogging the blanket.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Lewis and Clark Expedition

Meriwether Lewis and William Clark finally returned from their 8000-mile expedition, exploring lands west of the Mississippi. They brought back 83 newly-created maps and a ton of dirty laundry.

Imagine that, 8000 miles! And my assistant whines every time I send him across the street to buy me a sarsaparilla.

President Jefferson appointed Lewis the expedition commander; although, not to ruffle any feathers, he appointed Clark “Executive Vice Chief in Charge of Logistics and Flannel Shirts.”

Their journey took two years. This is why they didn’t send a husband-and-wife team. That would’ve definitely been a relationship breaker.

The expedition encountered about 50 Native American tribes. That means they had to learn 50 different ways to say, “Help us! We don’t know where the hell we are!”

Although Lewis and Clark failed to find a Northwest Passage water route across the continent, they did find a little Sioux Bed & Breakfast to die for – and didn’t.

During their trip, they identified at least 120 animal specimens – which wasn’t easy since many were also man-eating specimens.

In honor of Lewis and Clark’s magnificent achievement, we’re giving everyone in our audience a free compass and map to help find their way back to the lobby.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – 5 Comments Overheard from Inside the Trojan Horse

You’ve all heard the news the Greeks destroyed Troy in a surprise attack after entering the city in a giant wooden horse. Here are some comments overheard inside the big stallion:

“I requested a window seat.”

“I’m no military strategist, but I would’ve gone with a big wooden turtle.”

“Your seat cushion can be used as a battering device.”

“Remember, don’t yell ‘Surprise!’ It’s not a birthday party.”

“Are we there yet?”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Building of the Great Pyramid

Welcome to the show.

They finally finished the Great Pyramid of Giza. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. Frankly, I was expecting the Slightly Above Average Pyramid of Giza.

The Pyramid was built as a tomb for Pharaoh Khufu. Apparently, a simple yet tasteful headstone wasn’t enough.

Actually, the Pyramid was the King’s second choice. They went with it after his first choice, a giant sphere, accidentally rolled all the way to the Red Sea.

It’s the tallest man-made structure in the world. Although, when the builders of the Sphinx heard about that, they quickly announced plans to give their giant statue bigger cat ears.

The Pyramid was built by quarrying an estimated 2.3 million gigantic blocks weighing six million tons total. That comes to approximately 1.5 hernias per block.

And contrary to what most of people are saying, slave labor was not used to build the pyramid. Everyone was paid – at least according to the Brotherhood of Indentured Servants Union.

Some of the workers are with us tonight. Please stand up if you can.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Declaration of Independence

Good evening ye all.

Did you hear, our Thirteen Colonies have declared independence from England. Bad news for anyone who just bought one or those “World’s Greatest Monarch” tea cups.

The Declaration was drawn up by the Second Continental Congress which has been meeting in Philadelphia. All I can say to the First Continental Congress is: Was that so hard, fellas?

We’re now called the United States of America – although two founders from Massachusetts, who will remain anonymous, lobbied pretty hard for “Adamsville.”

Fifty-Seven men signed the document. There would’ve been more had John Hancock not hogged so much space.

Thomas Jefferson, Mr. Smarty Breeches, composed the original draft. We all went to school with guys like that – the ones who’d never let you copy off their calligraphy.

Actually, the Declaration was signed on July 2, but some firecracker salesmen said, “Trust us, the Fourth has a much better ring.”

I’m told Ben Franklin is still fuming that his line “An apple a day keeps the British away” didn’t make the final draft.

The document includes: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” Tell that to our audience members who had to sit in the balcony. 

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Monologues Through the Ages – Darwin Publishes “On the Origin of Species”

How are you doin’ out there!

Have you read this book? “On the Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin? Apparently, my description of my brother-in-law as an incompetent baboon wasn’t that far off.

Darwin claims we all descended from common ancestors. That’s all I need: even more relatives hitting me up for a loan.

The book talks about something called natural selection, also referred to as survival of the fittest. I’d like to think there are other reasons for me being here other than the fact that one of my distant relatives outwrestled a clam.

And get this: Darwin married his cousin, Emma Wedgwood. I’m no biologist but this is starting to sound like the survival of the creepiest.

Ladies, would you go out with anyone who asks, “Care to come back to my place and evolve?”

Darwin’s book is changing the way everybody looks at things. For example, Charles Dickens just updated “Great Expectations,” introducing Miss Havisham’s distant cousin, Petula Platypus.

Darwin did a lot of research on the Galápagos Islands. Can we pause here and give the cue card guy a round of applause for correctly spelling Galápagos?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Completion of First Trans Continental Railroad

Howdy everyone.

Today, they finally finished the Trans Continental Railroad. At last, you can now ride coast to coast while sitting next to a guy with a chicken on his lap.

The Central Pacific’s engine Jupiter and the Union Pacific’s engine No. 119 met at Promontory Summit, Utah. Engineers expect it’ll be another year before they figure out how they will pass each other.

The ceremony culminated with the presidents of the Union Pacific and Central Pacific railroads pounding a golden spike into the rail line – which looked like my dentist filling a cavity.

The two railroads would’ve been joined sooner had one of them not first accidentally ended up in Canada.

Before this new railroad connection, it could take up to six months to cross the country – which is pretty unbearable if your kid keeps asking, “Are we there yet?”

Call me old fashioned but no transcontinental trip is complete for me without circling the wagons and night and having a trail guide named Gabby proposition my wife.

In other groundbreaking transportation news, two Pony Express horses met in Denver and rubbed noses.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Fall of the Western Roman Empire

Hail everyone.

Well, the big story this week has been the fall of the Roman Empire.

I would’ve heard about it sooner, but I was in the communal toilet extricating myself from a bad dish of lamb’s brain.

There’s no stability in the government. How bad is it? Three of my writers are deposed emperors and the fourth is a laid-off gladiator.

A lot of people are blaming the Empire’s fall on moral decay – at least that’s what I’m hearing from my wife who used to be my slave that I castrated.

Now you didn’t hear it from me, but things were never the same after we were invaded by Attila the Hun. Nothing personal but never trust anyone who’s name ends with “the Hun” – or begins with “barbarian king.”

Whoaa, I can see we have some barbarians in the audience. Don’t be so sensitive. My sister-in-law is a barbarian. My brother met her at a Raping and Pillaging mixer.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Native American Nation After Dark: 1620 Edition

Welcome to the show!

Have you run into any of these people calling themselves Pilgrims who recently landed here in a boat called the Mayflower?

Talk about a clueless crew. No “Hello,” no “How are you?” Just “How do we grow corn?” They didn’t teach you that in Pilgrim 101?

They’re now calling our land “Plymouth Colony.” Where did they get such a crazy name? From their Century 15 realtor?

These “pilgrims” seem nice enough, but can you really trust anyone who describes himself as a “puritan?” I mean, who among us hasn’t lusted for another man’s squaw?

Squanto, you know what I’m talking about.

Have any of you been invited to their thanksgiving dinner. I will be out of there so fast if they seat me at the Wampanoag children’s table.

If you do go, be nice and remember: no insults about their funny big hats with the weird buckle. What’s up with that?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Invention of the Telephone

Welcome to the show!

I’m sure you’ve all heard about this new thing called the telephone. It’s a machine that actually allows you to talk with another person at another location.

It’s kind of like smoke signals that don’t sting your eyes.

I could really use one of these. My teenager is always yakking away on the telegraph.

It was invented by a man named Alexander Graham Bell. Ever notice big things are always invented by people with three names: Alexander Graham Bell, James Clerk Maxwell? Just once I’d like to see something amazing created by a guy named Zeke.

The first words Bell spoke into the phone were, “Mr. Watson, come here — I want to see you.” Really? I think I would’ve gone the prank route with something like, “Hey Watson, help me. I’ve accidentally shrunk myself and I’m stuck in this little box!

If telephones take the place of telegraphs, does this mean we’ll now have to hum Morse code?

But you know what the greatest thing about the telephone is? You can talk to anyone while wearing only your long johns.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”