10 World Records I Won’t Attempt to Break

  • Most hot dogs eaten while doing taxes.
  • Longest time waiting to get a CVS clerk’s attention.
  • Oldest kindergarten graduate.
  • Largest insect found in a motel bed.
  • Most emails asking a friend if she/he received email that said, “Please respond.”
  • Most blind dates ending with the question; “Is that a birthmark or an Aryan Nation tattoo?”
  • Most times a psychotherapist mentions, “They’re doing wonderful things with electro shock therapy.”
  • Longest time breath held voluntarily in a porta potty.
  • Most times tripping over the world’s longest mustache.
  • Largest collection of anything.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Super Heroes Shouldn’t Have to be Super All the Time

I admire super heroes for using their super powers to fight bad guys, stand up for the less-than-super folks and generally help mankind when mankind needs a helping iron fist.

I also believe that, given their exemplary service to society, super heroes are entitled, now and then, to use their super human gifts for purely selfish gain. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who spends 24/7 fighting evil deserves some occasional super hero me time.

Yes, doing good for your fellow man should be a reward in and of itself. Still, there should be a few other benefits.

I have no problem with Clark Kent confiding with a restaurant hostess that he’s actually Superman, just to get a good table further away from the kitchen.

I couldn’t blame the Incredible Hulk for proposing to a damsel in distress: “If I lift this car off your leg will you buy some Girl Scout cookies from my niece?”

I wouldn’t fault Peter Parker for sidling up next to a gorgeous babe in a bar and whispering, “Hi, I’m actually Spider-Man. Can I buy you a drink?”

I’d probably smile approvingly if I was standing behind Wonder Woman at the dry cleaners and overheard her shout, “No, I don’t have my ticket. If you can’t find my red, white and blue bustier in one minute, I’m going to string you up with my Lasso of Truth.”

Why should Bruce Wayne haggle with AmeriSave Home Loans when one angry call from Batman could get his Batcave refinanced as quicken as one, two, three?

Yes, we need our super heroes They make us feel safe and secure. We take great comfort in knowing they can do no wrong. But would we feel less safe or secure if, every once in a while, we let Captain America cut in line at Starbucks?

At the very least, cut the Invisible Man some slack for hanging out in his girlfriend’s bedroom to see if she’s been fooling around with Wolverine.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Love Yourself, You Won’t Find a More Agreeable Partner

I’m finally learning to love myself. It’s been a long journey. At first, I wouldn’t give myself the time of day. Gradually, though, I loosened up and gave me a chance.

It began with a magical night to remember. After months of gathering my strength, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and popped the question: “Would I care to have dinner with me?” How could I refuse? Looking back, I realize I should have asked sooner. The answer would have always been yes.

I didn’t play easy, though. It was my third date before I gave me a goodnight hug – after asking for permission, of course. I and I have been together ever since.

And what a difference loving myself has made! No longer do I sit alone on Friday nights wishing I was with someone else. I’m with me now, that special one who’s always up for a movie, dinner or just a quiet evening at home watching TV – and if the mood is right, shadow dancing to my favorite songs.

To think, I have spent most of my life feeling alone and depressed, when the one person who knows me better than anyone has always been right here inside of me – and has never complained I keep the thermostat too low.

I love me. No explanations needed, except for our wedding invitations.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Getting a Leg Up on Your Legacy

Years from now when a descendant searches for his or her ancestors using one of those DNA kits and my name pops up, will I do them proud?

Perhaps it’s time for me to get my legacy in order. The question is how?

  • Should I launch an expedition in search of a long, lost continent, or hike to the nearest neighborhood with an outstanding coffee shop?
  • Maybe it’s time I cancel my upcoming appearance on “Hoarders.”
  • It might also be the time to finally unfriend Geraldo Rivera on Facebook.
  • Should I burn every unflattering picture of myself, or should I Photoshop them with six pack abs?
  • It couldn’t hurt adding more death-defying feats to my dating profile.
  • And while I’m at it, it may be time to take down my GoFundMe site for world peace and a new modular sofa.
  • It might also be time to talk to my lawyer about divorcing some of my wives.
  • And finally, should I stop entering hot dog eating contests just to get a free meal?

Even if I did all of this, my future distant relatives may still think, “Meh, ‘being cited for exemplary personal hygiene’ is nice, but I was really hoping for a president or a pirate.”

I’ll stick with the free modular sofa.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Never Accept Defeet

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for submitting your most recent invention. Very impressive. However, we do not anticipate a growing market for self-tapping shoes at this time.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
A pair of two left loafers for awkward people with two left feet is an intriguing idea, but we are going to pass on it.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Though stylish as they may be, the U.S. Army Procurement Department is not quite sold on your design for open toed combat boots.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
In regards to your beeping saddle shoes for walking backwards. We wish you every personal success with that.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for allowing Ace Inventions to consider your idea for formalwear moccasins. At this time, however, we respectfully decline your offer.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
We like your idea for liverwurst arch supports. A little more tweaking and you may have something! Stay in touch.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

My Totally Uninformed Take on Actual Celebrity News Headlines

  • “Lori Loughlin Asks for Passport Back Following College Admissions Scandal Prison Sentence” – Then it’s straight to International House of Pancakes.
  • “Jennifer Lopez Admits She and Alex Rodriguez Went to Therapy Amid COVID-19 Pandemic” – “…and then, Doctor, I caught him fist bumping the cabana girl.”
  • “Justin Timberlake Apologizes to Ex Britney Spears and Janet Jackson After Backlash” – “And while I’m at it, I take full responsibility for being the lookout at a Citibank® heist in 2003.”
  • “Former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Calls Dale Moss and Clare Crawley Split ‘Disappointing’” – Question: How long can you call yourself “Former Bachelorette” before your friends start to say, “It’s time to move on with your life.”
  • “Hailey Bieber shares touching tribute to her ‘Valentine’ Justin Bieber with PDA-filled slideshow with snaps from their wedding and tropical getaways” – “And here’s a shot of our hotel maid in the bathroom wrestling an iguana.”
  • “Chris Pratt proves he’s willing to go the distance for love as he flies back from Australia to celebrate Valentine’s Day with wife Katherine Schwarzenegger” – His final relationship test will be learning to spell “Schwarzenegger.”
  • “Brooke Burke EXCLUSIVE: The Dancing with The Stars vet, 49, reveals her top FIVE secrets for looking as good as she did when she was in her 20s” – Number One secret: Never appear in public without wearing a hazmat suit.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Thoughts Better Kept to Myself

  • The only time I’ve felt comfortable in a crowd was at my intervention.
  • Show me a lonely billionaire, and I’ll show you someone incapable of building a robot friend.
  • I know I should love myself, but I’m not ready for a committed relationship.
  • I cried because I had no shoes until someone said, “You have lovely toes.”
  • I don’t like to rush people. Whenever I take someone’s picture, I always say, “Count to 250 and say cheese.”
  • Bad conversation starter: Nice shopping cart. Where did you steal it?
  • You are on a train that leaves the station at noon. The train is 187 miles from its destination at 2:45 p.m. and 90 miles from its destination at 4:15 p.m. How far will the train travel before you speak to the passenger sitting next to you?
  • I coulda been a contender, but I’m horrible at job interviews.
  • Networking tip: Share your experiences. People may not connect your face with your business card, but they’ll never forget the woman who talked about her alien abduction.
  • If I always listened with my heart, what would I do with my ears? 

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

I’m Mad as Hell! Should I Take This Anymore?

South Dakota Republican Rep Dusty Johnson asked his constituents to decide whether he should receive the COVID-19 vaccine now or wait until it is widely available. The response has been so strong, Johnson has decided to poll his voters on other issues.

  • “Should I order pepperoni or sausage on my pizza”?
  • “If my wife is out and I get a phone call asking ‘Is the woman of the house is there,’ should I say no or fake a woman’s voice and say, ‘This is she.’”
  • “Hypothetically speaking, if my political opponent claims he has a video of me illegally parking in a handicapped space in 2012, should I own up to my misdeed or claim I was saving the spot for my mother’s mobility scooter”?
  • “If I am continually criticized for being noncommittal and indecisive, should I hire a consultant to help me formulate a forceful and convincing response?”
  • “Is it ‘indecisive’ or ‘undecisive’”?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

How to Have a Safe Thanksgiving (Turkey Excluded)

  • Move the children’s table out to the tool shed.
  • Point obnoxious relatives, who expend potentially lethal particles while explaining why Trump actually won the election, in the direction of an open window.
  • Warm chestnut stuffing is very pliable. Still, covering your face with it is no substitute for a mask.
  • Always get tested before and after cranberry sauce wrestling.
  • During family Zoom gatherings, make sure the children leave the room before Uncle Jeffrey Toobin logs on.
  • Don’t share food or drink with anyone. As an added precaution, dogs should drink out of separate toilets.
  • Stay at least six feet apart from anyone who does not live with you. Stay at least twelve feet apart from anyone you wish did not live with you.
  • Avoid touching your mask, eyes, nose, mouth – unless you’re putting the moves on yourself.
  • Make the meal more of a shared experience by deciding which family member has been the biggest disappointment.
  • It’s okay to loosen your belt after stuffing yourself with turkey, yams and green bean casserole. It’s not, however, okay to maintain any social distance between you and your pants.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Trump’s Reaction to Losing

  • “I don’t like make excuses, but Hitler had more support in his bunker.”
  • “Dammit! I won’t be able to appoint the first Hell’s Angels member to a cabinet position.”
  • “I was very specific about this: I wanted an October, not December surprise!”
  • “Did Fauci just give me the finger on CNN?”
  • “Rudy says we can still void all the California votes.”
  • “I don’t understand it; we had such great hats.”
  • “New retroactive executive order: We sold Pennsylvania to Portugal.”
  • “I told you we should’ve used the pictures of Hunter Biden with Jane Fonda in Hanoi.”
  • “What do you mean Putin now has an unlisted number?”
  • “I don’t care if it’s screwed to the floor. I’m taking the Oval Office desk with me.”
  • “Ivanka, Jared, get in here. We’re doing a group self-pardon.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”