After Military Says No, Trump Must Look Elsewhere for Protest Control. Here are Some Suggestions.

Trump wanted to send 10,000 active-duty troops into the streets of Washington, DC until military aides convinced him otherwise. He has since used everything at his disposal against the demonstrators including personnel from the U.S. Secret Service, National Guard, Customs and Border Protection and more.

Given the growing anti-Trump fervor, this still may not be enough. Here are some other loyal resources he can tap.

  • Mall cops — No one is more imposing than a uniformed person with a badge and a book of Cinnabon coupons.
  • Meter maids — Five words: “Stop or I’ll ticket you!”
  • Unemployed Olive Garden busboys — They’ve got unlimited bread sticks and are not afraid to use them.
  • Civil War impersonators — Isn’t it about time we see what these folks can do in a real fight?
  • Boy Scout Troop 27, Fort Wayne, Indiana — Most have earned their merit badges in Knot Tying and Pepper Spraying.
  • Amazon delivery drivers — Nothing clears a street faster than a wave of hurled packages.
  • “The Bachelor” Runner-up Alumni Association — Imagine an army of rejected women so desperate for any exposure, they’d risk a TMZ clip showing them kneeing a 75-year-old grandmother in the groin.
  • Junior high school hall monitors — These are some of the world’s leading experts in pedestrian flow control and chewing gum detection.
  • Radio City Rockettes — They kick high. They kick ass.
  • Assault rifle-wielding American Yahoos — What better way to audition for the next Trump acting cabinet secretary position?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Grubby Trumpy

A cybercriminal gang is threatening a ransomware attack on New York celebrity lawyer Allen Grubman’s firm Grubman, Shire, Meiselas and Sacks (GSMS). They’ve doubled their ransom demand to $42 million and have promised to publish compromising information on A-list stars including President Trump, according to reports.

I’ve been able to get my hands on some of the Trump files. Most include complaints about fast food orders that skimped on the French fries. But there were a few other interesting correspondences.

December 15, 2000: Hi Grubby, I’m sorry to keep asking you this but do you spell lawyer with one or two Ws?

November 9, 2001: Eric is out of my will until he gets his SAT scores above 100.

August 8, 2003: I can assure you, the countless letters, videos, audio tapes and 53 signed affidavits are all lies. And I had no idea there was a hooker sending text messages to Page Six from my Mar a Lago bedroom closet.

June 8, 2008: It’s very simple: I didn’t pay my cleaning lady for three months because I had lost confidence in her ability to dust.

September 12, 2011: Quick question. My iPhone doesn’t work. I dropped it in the toilet again. Can we sue Apple?

February 7, 2012: If my cook sculps cows out of Spam, can we then call them Trump Steaks?

May 8, 2015: Important!!! Cease Trump Tower eviction proceedings immediately for Skippy Putin. I had no idea who his older brother was.

January 12, 2016: I need to know something very quickly, and this is purely hypothetical. Say I’m standing in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody. From a legal standpoint, can I deduct the bullets as a business expense?

July 10, 2018: Allen, check your law books and the Constitution again. There has to be a way to change “In God We Trust” to “In Trump We Trust.”

January 3, 2020: I’m just spit balling here but can I pardon myself now for anything I’m convicted of after I leave office?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Our Mad-Scientist-in-Chief May Be On To Something

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Sure, injecting disinfectant into the body as suggested by President Trump might cause 99 or 100 percent of sick patients to die, but as he says, isn’t it worth taking a chance?

And while we’re on the subject, why aren’t we testing other household cleaning products. One person’s (or practically everyone’s) lethal prescription could be another’s medical breakthrough.

Think of the possibilities:

  • Scrubbing Bubbles has products that clean everything, from your toilet to your shower. It only makes sense that one of them could put the shine back in your liver.
  • Why spend countless dollars on surgery when a simple application (or two) of Drano can instantly clear a clogged heart valve?
  • Do you know who really benefits from cataract surgery? The insurance companies. Perhaps that’s why none of them will pay for a simple squirt of Windex.

I’m not criticizing Dr. Fauci. I’m sure he’s a qualified immunologist. But has he, like President Trump, watched countless hours of Fox News hosts pitch insightful softball questions at some of the world’s great medical minds like Doctors Oz, Drew and Phil?

The president may not have a medical degree or know the difference between a ventilator and a George Foreman grill, but as he says, “I like this stuff. I really get it.” That’s enough medical knowledge for me. After all, whom would you rather be examined by: a doctor who is totally familiar with every part of the anatomy—even the ones you hardly ever use—or a clinician whose great instincts tell him your heart is located somewhere in your upper torso?

Let’s support the president. Be open minded the next time he says, “That guest with the tin-foil hat who Judge Jeanine interviewed said chugalugging Pine-Sol will kill the coronavirus. Isn’t it worth a try?”

After all, who wouldn’t want their corpse to have a forest green scent?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

No Representation Without Self-Gratification — Election Commission Meeting Interrupted by Man Masturbating on Zoom

nakedman_02A virtual meeting of the Indiana Election Commission on the Zoom online video platform was disrupted by a video of a man masturbating.

I realize that every voice in a democracy should be heard. But should we respect every comment, cry and groan?

And what was this guy, who obviously cares about election procedures, thinking about while polishing his banister? It’s certainly something to ponder the next time your caressing hand so gently inserts your vote into a ballot box.

This is not to imply that self-pleasuring people cannot have valid opinions about important issues of the day. In fact, I have to give this man some credit. Many people are too lazy to even vote. This bishop choker not only attended the meeting but “took over the single screen shared among commission members, numerous state and county election officials and members of the media.” Less civic-minded citizens have skipped elections to stay home and wax their cars.

Maybe it’s time we start giving some — not all — public turtle burpers their due. Some may have deep-seated problems that require tons of professional help. That does not mean, aside from their uncontrollable libidos, they aren’t standup citizens who care about their country.

The next time your online city council meeting is interrupted by a heavy-breathing man cuffing his carrot, don’t be outraged, don’t be repulsed, don’t insist the self-abusing scoundrel should not count as part of a quorum. Simply look away and say, “Thank you for your service.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”