Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – California Gold Rush

If you’re wondering why it took so long to be seated tonight, three of our ushers are in California panning for gold. Fortunately, we’ve chained the other three to the ticket booth.

The rush started when James Marchall discovered gold at Sutter’s Mill in Coloma, California – which led Sutter’s wife to ask: “Dummy, you’ve been cutting wood on top of a gold mine?”

Everybody is heading west to strike it rich. Even the women’s clothing shop down the street has a sign in its window that reads: “California or Bustier.”

The line of people streaming into California is so long the last guy is still waiting in Utah.

The mining camps have been described as lawless and violent. In fact, one man was shot after he was caught panning for gold in another man’s beer.

Since most of the people prospecting for gold are men, the bordellos are doing a booming business – including one lovely lady named Marigold “Wait Your Turn” Delaney.

We have some former gold panners in the audience. They’re the ones wearing spiffy barrels.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Sir Lancelot

Boy, I feel like an idiot. All week I’ve been hounding the staff to get Sir Lancelot on tonight’s show; and my producer kept saying, “he doesn’t really exist.” And I said, “That’s what you said about Merlin the Wizard, the magician I hired for my kid’s birthday party.”

I even offered our booking agent a five-chicken bonus if he could get Lancelot on our show – and I normally never pay him more than three chickens.

Guess what? They were right. He is a fictional character, and I feel like an idiot. This is more embarrassing than when I booked the guy who claimed he’d invented a catapult that could safely heave a family of six to Spain.

It also explains why King Arthur, Queen Guinevere and Sir Galahad have yet to return any of my messages – and why they won’t be joining me in my round table discussion.

I’m disappointed. I really wanted to ask Lancelot about the stories of him slaying dragons and giants. Were they true or was it just the ale talking?

Fortunately, we have an excellent guest who will be filling in for Lancelot tonight. She’s written an interesting and informative book called “I Was Married to Robin Hood’s Merriest Man.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Statue of Liberty is Unveiled

The Statue of Liberty, a massive sculpture of a lady in a robe holding a torch and a tablet inscribed with the date of our Declaration of Independence, was dedicated today in New York Harbor. The statue’s message of freedom is so powerful twelve other statues have already demanded their emancipation.

The 151-foot-tall figure is a gift from the people of France. It was built there, shipped overseas and assembled here. It would have taken less time to put together had our engineer reading their instructions been fluent in more than French fries.

The statue was designed by sculptor Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi. He said the hardest part was finding her a pair or size 750 extra-wide shoes.

Only dignitaries were permitted on the island during the ceremonies. Even sea gulls had to know somebody.

President Grover Cleveland presided over the dedication ceremony and was quite the gentlemen. He delivered his entire speech without once looking up Lady Liberty’s big skirt.

The event was also was marked by New York’s first ticker-tape parade. And if we learned one thing: Cascading bits of paper are a happier alternative to leaping stockbrokers after a financial crash.

I’m guessing a simple thank you note to France isn’t going to be enough. How about a throw blanket big enough to enrobe the Palace of Versailles?

I asked my staff to come up with a statue that best represents me. So far, the only design they have is of me shirtless after a card game.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Creation of the Hippocratic Oath

A Greek doctor named Hippocrates has created an oath of medical ethics, I hope this pledge also says something about never sticking your hand under a patient’s robe to grab his money sack.

Actually, I think an oath of medical ethics is a great idea. Who among us hasn’t staggered out of our doctor’s office wondering, “Did I really need that Babylonian Skull Cure?”

Hippocrate’s oath includes: “I swear by Apollo Healer, by Asclepius, by Hygieia, by Panacea, and by all the gods and goddesses…” That’s quite a group practice he’s got.

Coincidentally, Hippocrates neglects to mention the most important medical deity, Thiefius, the god of highway robbery.

I’d be happy if my doctor pledged not to charge me an arm and a leg for amputating an arm and a leg.

The most important part of Hippocrates medical oath is “First do no harm.” Frankly, I wish he started with “First, wash your hands.”

It’s also inspired me to create my own oath: First tell no unfunny joke. And if I do: Second throw the guy who wrote it to the lions.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Elisha Otis Invents the Elevator

Tonight’s guest is Elisha Otis who’s invented a contraption called the elevator. It’s a tiny room that moves people up and down in buildings. Do you know what this means? We can now experience what it’s like to be a plate of baked potatoes riding in a dumbwaiter.

Can you imagine experiencing the feeling of a room rising and lowering without having one drink?

The elevator is pulled up and down with a thin metal cable strong enough to support at least three pianos or six overweight relatives.

Imagine the interesting conversations you’ll have riding down from the fourth floor: “How are you?”, “Nice hat”, “Do you think we’ll crash?”

Here’s a thought: How about putting a small band in the elevator for background music – or at the very least, a guy who can whistle a lot of tunes.

I’d install one, if only to lower me into the pit where my writers work.

According to Mr. Otis, orders for his elevator have been flying in – including many from short men who’ve only dreamed of kissing a tall woman.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Rejected Titles for the Book “Moby Dick”

Michael Dick

Moby, Moby Not

The Annoying Captain Ahab

Spouting Off

The Agony and the Blubbery

Queequeg the Lovable Cannibal

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Catherine the Great

Here’s a bit of juicy gossip: Remember Catherine the Great, the last reigning Empress Regnant of Russia, our fair and just leader who would have you beheaded for calling her “Catherine the Conventional”?

She’s been dead for a number of years, and some folks who will remain anonymous are implying she didn’t actually die of natural causes. She died of – how can I put this gently –while doing the dirty deed with a male member of the equine persuasion.

Is it fair to accuse someone of such a scandalous act when they’re not here to defend themselves? I mean, for all we know she and the horse were just friends.

It is true Catherine had between 12 and 22 male lovers throughout her life, but who among us hasn’t gone on a date where the first thing we’re told is get in line and take a number?

Quite honestly, if my name ended with “the Great,” you better believe I might use it to get my Debauchery Card punched.

The one I feel sorry for is the guy she might have dumped before the horse. How do you compete with that?

We’ll never know what really happened. I’d hate, however, to see a reputation she worked so long and hard to create and maintain be destroyed by one tiny impulsive act of being accidentally crushed while having relations with a farm animal.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

What Harry Houdini Is Thinking While Trying to Escape

Damm, I look svelte in a straitjacket!

Should I be dunked in water less than an hour after eating?

I can easily unlock a pair of handcuffs, but I can never remember my house key.

The lock and chain salesman overcharged me.

To think this all started when I had to explain to my wife why I was handcuffed to a prostitute.

I can escape from this giant milk can; why can’t I figure out how to get out of dinner with my in-laws?

Remember what the doctor said: Stop holding your breath when bubbles start coming out of your ears.

It would be so much easier pulling rabbits out of my hat.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – President William Howard Taft

Rumor has it that President William Howard Taft, who weighs in at 350 pounds, got stuck in a White House bath tub and needed six men to pull him free. That’s a big president. How big?

He’s so big he buys his suits at a circus tent store.

He’s so big his motto his “Remember the Maine Course.”

He’s so big he vetoes any bill that doesn’t include a dessert menu.

He’s so big Teddy Roosevelt mistook one of his chins for San Juan Hill.

He’s so big his most important cabinet position is reaching in one for a drumstick.

He’s so big he’s not only a trust buster, he’s a button popper.

He’s so big his shadow blocks out Maryland.

But we love the president.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages – Marco Polo

Marco Polo returned to Venice after twenty-four years of traveling through Asia along the Silk Road. Amazingly, his cat was still sitting in the window ignoring him.

He’s one of the first Europeans to explore the vast Orient which includes many peoples and cultures. He’s also become one of the first humans to ask in multiple languages, “Can you point me to your restroom?”

Actually, Marco’s father and uncle had first journeyed to Asia before him. He decided to go there himself after his dad brought him back a silk housecoat embroidered with: “Someone Visited China and All I Got Was This Lousy Robe.”

While in China, Polo served for seventeen years as Chinese Emperor Kublai Khan’s foreign emissary. I feel like such an underachiever. When I was his age, I was picking up girls with a hand cart.

Marco Polo’s account of his travels through the Orient give the first references to paper money. Is this a great innovation? Who wants to mix up their currency with their toilet paper?

After being captured by Genoans and thrown into prison, Polo dictated details of his travels to a fellow inmate, Rustichello da Pisa – which probably explains why an earlier draft includes a Chinese love interest with giant bazongas.

Marco will be on the show next week to plug his book and do some wild tricks with a substance he discovered called gunpowder.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”