You Can Have It All

Who says you can’t have it all? I disagree. You can have it all – as long as having it all means:

  • Having all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting.
  • Having debilitating side effects from consuming all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting.
  • Having a different beautiful woman each night, in all probability one gorgeous gal with multiple personalities.
  • Having countless beautiful homes in which to squat.
  • Having the love and adoration of your children who are unaware you’ve squandered their trust fund on lottery tickets.
  • Having the man of your life/pool cleaner who also has a valid green card.
  • Having the freedom to define success on your terms and not the parole board’s.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Never Accept Defeet

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for submitting your most recent invention. Very impressive. However, we do not anticipate a growing market for self-tapping shoes at this time.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
A pair of two left loafers for awkward people with two left feet is an intriguing idea, but we are going to pass on it.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Though stylish as they may be, the U.S. Army Procurement Department is not quite sold on your design for open toed combat boots.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
In regards to your beeping saddle shoes for walking backwards. We wish you every personal success with that.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for allowing Ace Inventions to consider your idea for formalwear moccasins. At this time, however, we respectfully decline your offer.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
We like your idea for liverwurst arch supports. A little more tweaking and you may have something! Stay in touch.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Regrets, Don’t Have a Few

relaxed-monkeyDo you feel being an introvert has caused you to miss good opportunities in life?

Really? Think about the bad ones you’ve avoided.

You weren’t popular in high school. But you didn’t marry Bunny the head cheerleader who now weighs 250 pounds and travels the child beauty pageant circuit with her Honey Boo Boo-ish daughter.

Your aversion to eye contact may have cost you the CEO job at your hedge fund company. It may have also saved you from an SEC indictment.

With a few more connections you might’ve found a famous film director to read your screenplay. At least you didn’t have to deal with rejection when Arnold Schwarzenegger passed on “Conan the Technical Writer.”

If you were more sociable you’d be less lonely. But you never would’ve bonded with the voice in your head.

You’ve always struggled with job interviews. In the long run, however, it forced you to pursue your real dream: freelance dulcimer player.

It’s been hard to meet men because they think you’re aloof and unapproachable. Luckily, it’s made things easier at your Sexaholics Anonymous meetings.

There’s never been a hiring demand for day dreamers. Just as well. The time sheets and weekly status meetings would’ve ruined the fun.

You may think a lifetime of sitting in the back of the room has gotten you nowhere. But it’s allowed you to flourish as an under-the-breath wise cracker extraordinaire.

Your quietness makes people feel uncomfortable. It still comes in handy on rare occasions when people misinterpret your silence for wisdom.

So maybe your life would be different if you were more sociable. But better? What could be better than sitting alone contemplating if it could be better?

One Night Only! The New GroupThinkers

If you’re an introvert, you should definitely miss this
.” – Carl, an introvert

The New GroupThinkers have been entertaining the world for generations with their message of love, harmony, and conformity. Spend an evening watching them brainstorm, run it up the flagpole, and suppress their individual thoughts.

“Their loyalty to the group at the expense of rational decision-making is inspiring!” – Peggy Noonan

If you enjoy sitting in an open office area without privacy, you’ll love the New GroupThinkers.

They made me understand why group cohesiveness is more important than individual expression. And I didn’t have join a cult, I think” – Christine, newest member, New GroupThinkers

Leave your thoughts, wishes, and desires behind. Let the New GroupThinkers rock you with their greatest hits:

  • Jimmy, Joey, Johnny, Jenny, Janey Crack Corn
  • Scarborough Job Fair
  • This Land Is Our Land, This Land is Our Land
  • Don’t Think Twice, We’ll Think for You
  • If We Had a Hammer
  • Where Has All Our Artificial Sweetener Gone
  • Go Tell Us on the Mountain
  • Leaving on a Jet Plane for a Team Building Weekend
  • Both Sides Now – One Side Tomorrow
  • We Shall Overcome Until We Reach a Consensus

Join the The New GroupThinkers for an evening of acquiescence and compromise. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry if that’s what everyone agrees to do.

“After an all-night discussion, my family now thinks it was the best time we’ve ever had.” Linda, Stepford, Connecticut

Introvert’s Best Friend

All types of people love dogs. Do introverts have a particular relationship with our furry four-legged friends? Perhaps. Here’s why:

People Dogs
A stranger will corner you at a party with an interminable story about his family’s trip to Disneyworld. A dog will never bore you about the fantastic butt he just sniffed.
It’s hard to concentrate while your workmates high five the daily doughnut arrival. It’s easy to have a three-way conversation with yourself while your dog sleeps peacefully at your feet.
Constantly being asked, “Why are you so quiet?” wears you down. Feed your dog plenty of treats and he’ll gladly leave you to your thoughts.
You always feel alone in a crowd, particularly if you’ve been dragged to an “Up with People Legends in Caucasian Rap” concert. You’ll never feel closer to your dog than while watching him pee on your nosey neighbor’s prized carnations.
It bothers people that you’re easily distracted. Squirrel!
Extroverts don’t understand how introverts can lay around doing nothing, as if spending a weekend watching a spider spin a web is doing nothing. No one understands the value of doing nothing more than an animal that sleeps 18 hours a day.

Profiles in Introversion: Johnny Appleseed

johnny_appleseedJohnny Appleseed (born John Chapman September 26, 1774 – March 11, 1845) was an American pioneer who introduced the country to apple trees and the introvert lifestyle.

Although legend paints a picture of Johnny wandering the countryside planting apple trees, he did much more. He introduced early America to a brooding behavior that would change and aggravate the nation forever.

Beginning in 1792, Johnny headed west to plant apple trees and be alone. Today, Native Americans from the Iroquois tribe in New York tell the story of a man they call Scatchwhoa (translation: Man who dislikes small talk).

After growing bored with the Iroquois, Johnny moved to Pennsylvania. He continued traveling into the Ohio Valley country and Indiana. Each year he planted apple seeds for settlers who would’ve been more grateful had he not come across as aloof and conceited.

Johnny always carried a leather bag filled with apple seeds, making him the first American to sport a man purse. He planted apple seeds wherever he went and was soon known as the “apple seed man” — a name he didn’t mind it since it was preferable to “metrosexual apple seed man.”

Johnny enjoyed living in the woods by himself, although he often became exhausted communing with nature – particularly when chipmunks would not stop talking.

Johnny never married. He did have a long, intense relationship with a woman known as Patricia Peach Pit. In the end, it was not meant to be. “We tried to make the relationship work,” Johnny wrote to his brother. “But we’re apples and peaches. And she’s not interested in being just a cross-pollination buddy.”

Johnny died peacefully on March 18, 1845, having made the fledgling country apple-friendly and more open to eccentric guys living by themselves in the woods.

Passion des Introvertis

couple-bedHe:  I love that you respect my space. Let’s meet in the living room on Thursday.

She:  It’s wonderful we don’t clutter our lives with meaningless small talk. I just wish there was a way I could tell you we’re out of toilet paper.

He:  Did I tell you how much I cherish you, that my life began when we first met, and my existence is meaningless without you? Or was I talking to myself?

She:  I treasure that I don’t have to explain my peaceful silent nature to you, and why it’s so exhausting for me to say, “I treasure that I don’t have to explain my peaceful silent nature to you.”

He:  You’re the first person who’s never asked me, “What are you thinking?” Even when I was having a seizure.

She:  I will never ask why I’ve never met your family. Your pod story is good enough for me.

He:  It’s wonderful we never have house guests. It means more onion dip for us.

She:  I feel closest to you when you respect my need to be alone, especially when I’m wearing headphones during sex.

He:  My darling, I want you to know how much I love you, but this conversation is exhausting. I need to take a quiet three-hour walk to decompress.

She:  My dearest love, I don’t think I can speak another word, either. I’ll text you next week from my sensory deprivation tank.

NFL Prospect Announces He’s an Introvert


footballLeon “Sawzall” Sanders, a bruising linebacker for the Alaska State University Salmon, announced Tuesday he is an introvert.

The NFL prospect is poised to become the league’s first openly introvert player.

“I understand the implications,” he said. “No one has done this before. But if it’s going to be me, then so be it…Hopefully with a minimum of high-fiving and butt slapping.”

Sanders said he first suspected he was an introvert in the second grade when he faked a stomach ache to avoid playing Ring Around the Rosie. “People have always assumed I’m aloof, arrogant, and standoffish. Actually, that part is true.”

Some experts think Sanders’s announcement could lower his selection in the draft. Said an NFL scout, “A lot of players won’t like the idea of showering with someone who doesn’t make eye contact.” Added a players’ agent, “Most of my clients are conceited, spoiled a-holes, but at least they’re friendly when you bail them out of jail. I’m not sure the league is ready for a player who can’t fake humility at the ESPY Awards.”

The NFL released a statement in support of Sanders: “We admire Leon Sanders’ honesty and courage. The league has come a long way since Commissioner Pete Rozelle’s infamous and unfortunate observation: ‘Johnny Unitas is an unapproachable son of a bitch’.”

Solo Run from the Cure®

LonelinessOfTheLondDistanceRunnerThe Sally F. Solo Race from the Cure® is the smallest 5K run/fitness walk in the world. It raises negligible funds and barely any awareness for the fight against the belief that introversion is a condition that can or should be cured. The race celebrates introvert survivorship and honors those who have lost their battle with idiots who won’t leave them alone.

Since its inception last week, the Sally F. Solo Run from the Cure has grown from one local race with one participant to a global series of more than 3 races, each with one participant. Our motto: Don’t Crowd Us!

The Sally F. Solo Race from the Cure is designed to promote awareness of people who think introversion is a curable illness. It also promotes avoiding them.

The Sally F. Solo Race from the Cure is a great way for people to help fight for a good cause without actually having to come into contact with other people helping fight for a good cause.

How can you help?

  • Donate – Send yourself a generous amount of money. Then ask your accountant how you can deduct it.
  • Volunteer – We promise: If we get together for any reason, there will be NO group hugs, high fives or team building exercises.
  • Form a team – Just kidding

Individually, we can make a difference!

It’s a Wonderful Strife

happy-guyTodd Gellman

Being an introvert used to depress me. Then I read an Internet article that changed my life: “Twenty Thousand Fabulous Things about Introverts” by Naomi Lobotoberg. I learned that my life isn’t horrible and depressing; it’s great!

I discovered I’m not a lonely guy longing to connect with the rest of the world. I’m a solitary individual who feels more comfortable spending weekends alone, wondering what it’s like to have a girlfriend.

I used to hate going to parties at which I didn’t know anyone. I’d struggle with small talk and counted the seconds before I could make my escape. Naomi has taught me to celebrate my ability to barely get through the evening without wetting my pants.

Spending much time in my head used to depress me. No more! Yesterday, I thought, “I feel good about myself” 500,000 times!

I’ve learned how to be a pretend extrovert. With only a small amount of anxiety, I can interrupt co-workers again and again until I’m asked to leave the meeting.

People used to think I was aloof. I felt hurt and alienated. Now I don’t pay attention to those fools and I feel pumped!

Before, I couldn’t respond quickly to people’s questions. I’ve learned to relax and say, “Give me 10 minutes and I’ll tell you the Emergency Room phone number.”

I could provide countless other examples of how Naomi Lobotoberg’s insight has changed my life. If you want to celebrate your introversion, craw into a fetal position and read “Twenty Thousand Fabulous Things about Introverts.” As Naomi says, “Things couldn’t get worse.”

Todd Gellman is a senior data analyst. His desk has been featured in “Better Cubicles and Conference Rooms “magazine.