Introvert Couple of the Week

Artist’s models never hide anything from each other.

quiet_naked_couple_04bSheila and Hank are nude artist’s models and introverts. In addition to being passionate about standing quietly unclothed for hours, they also share a love for deep conversation and perfectly sculptured love handles.

Hank: Being an artist’s model is my life. It’s the only job I’ve ever had where no one asks me, “Why aren’t you talking?”

Sheila: For years, I had a job giving out free samples in supermarkets. It was too much pressure. Too much human interaction. Too many salty snacks. One day I just snapped. I took off my apron and stood naked in Isle nine. I froze. No matter how hard I tried, I could not say “Would you like to try a gluten-free cheese ball?” As I was being led out of the building, I thought, “I’m nude and silent and have never felt so alive.” After having a newly-discovered mole removed, I immediately applied for a job as an artist’s model.

Hank: We met on the dating website, EmbarrassingRashMates dot com. Our first date was at a small, intimate café. We spent the whole evening talking about allergic eczema.

Sheila: We quickly realized we had so much in common: an appreciation for solitude, quiet thoughtful conversation and an aversion to cold metal seats

Hank: I feel blessed Sheila has chosen me to not share her most trivial thoughts with.

Sheila: We can be happy simply lying in each other’s arms, not talking about the weather. In fact, we could not talk all night.

Hank: Sheila has made me a better artist’s model. Before I met her, I would sometimes stand for hours, obsessing about a horsefly walking across my buttock. Now I think about the two of us, standing lovingly hand-in-hand, avoiding eye contact with an IKEA salesperson.

Sheila: Hank knows me better than anyone. I may earn a living posing naked in front of art students, but I’ve never exposed my heart to anyone but him – and the surgical team that performed my triple bypass.


Introvert Tip of the Week

noah_gazoffIntrovert: Noah Gazoff

Occupation: Part-time CIA agent

Location: I’ve already said too much

Whenever I need to be alone and clear my head, I go to a funeral. It doesn’t have to be for someone I know. In fact, it usually helps if it isn’t. Aside from occasional hysterical sobbing, you won’t find a more tranquil environment.

There are many memorial services from which to choose. Simply check the obituaries in your local newspaper or online. Ideally, the recently departed should be a complete stranger who died from natural causes. This usually ensures a quiet service with a minimum of drama. You know you’ve hit pay dirt if you overhear someone say, “It was her time.”

I always enter quietly and sit by myself. Mourners rarely talk to me. I have a pretty intense resting bitch face that normally scares the hell out of people. But at funerals I look like I’ve lost my best friend which is the effect I’m going for. The only time anyone has ever asked why I wasn’t smiling was when I attended the funeral of an original member of Up with People.

Small talk is minimal at a memorial service. However, I’m always prepared for the rare occasion I inadvertently make eye contact. I slowly shake my head, look down and say, “Heck of a guy;” or “We’re going to miss him;” or “They broke the mold when they made her; or “What can I say that hasn’t been said?” Before anyone can respond, I sigh and walk away.

Aside from the opportunity for contemplation, there’s something deeply spiritual about funerals. Yes, they give me time to ponder my existence as well as why the widow’s hand is resting gently on another man’s thigh. But this age-old ritual of bidding farewell to friends and loved ones always reminds me that I’m part of a vast universe inhabited by introverts, extroverts and widows who can’t wait to start dating until after they bury their husbands.

The next time you need to be alone and you’re miles from the nearest park, beach or quiet café, go to a funeral. There’s no better place to get your needed “me” time with a gentle portion of “us” time on the side.


World’s Oldest Introvert Dies

oldest_woman_01Camila Montalban, the world’s oldest introvert, has died in Bel Air, California. She was 118 and passed away while doing what she loved best, staring quietly at the ceiling.

Montalban, who attributed her longevity to sleep, eating healthy food alone, and never revealing her address to countless relatives, died at 10:38 a.m. Wednesday. She collapsed while listening to a Meals on Wheels deliveryman drone on endlessly. She never regained conciousness.

Camila was born on August 2, 1899 in San Diego, California. Her father was a Maytag washboard repairman. Her mother was an ESL teacher who taught recent immigrants Spanish. She didn’t speak her first word until age 12, later explaining, “I didn’t have anything to say.

Montalban was the member of Chula Vista Community College’s first graduating class where she majored in housewifery and minored in gazing contemplatively at sunsets.

In 1919, Montalban married Leo Rezdin, a talkative used buggy salesman. They had five children, one of whom she enjoyed conversing with. When not pretending to listen to her husband and other kids, she enjoyed rehashing arguments in her head and anxiously waiting for parties to end so she could go home. A history buff, Camilla founded a club that researched and re-enacted famous moments of silence.

With Camila Montalban’s death, the title of world’s oldest introvert now belongs to Takeo Fukuda, a 112-year-old retired male model and the only World War II Japanese solder who refused to surrender because he preferred the peace and quiet of jungle living.


Non-Talkative Man Barred From Supercuts

barber_02Lyle Halston has been coming to Supercuts for over seven years.

No more.

The quiet, unassuming, software engineer has been told his business is no longer welcome. His crime? He never talks with his stylists.

“I realize most people like to chat with their cutter, but I can never think of anything to say,” says Halston. “I’m aware this creates nervous tension. I even once tried to ask ‘How was your weekend,’ but it felt so phony.”

“He was really creeping out the staff,” said manager Becky Nunes. “Would it kill him to talk about the weather once in a while?”

The last straw came when stylist Eddie “Snips” McCann asked Halston if he had “watched the game last night.” “He took a deep breath; it looked like he was about to speak; and then he just closed his eyes. Talk about arrogant! As God is my witness, I will never tell him to have a nice day again!”

Halston tried to make up for his quiet demeanor with extra-large tips, but it wasn’t enough for cutter Alice Beamon: “Tips are nice but they can’t compare to someone inquiring about your bunions.”

Lyle is frustrated. It’s been almost a year since he’s had a haircut, and he still hasn’t been able to find a new stylist who is amenable to his quiet nature. On the bright side, he’s channeled his anger into a new one-man show called “I Am Bigfoot.”



Night of the Living Eyeballs

zombies_03Nothing makes an introvert more uncomfortable than being the center of attention – particularly during a zombie invasion. Like extroverts, most zombies do not understand that introverts prefer to be left alone. This also explains why solitary monsters, like vampires and werewolves, have more empathy for their socially awkward victims.

In the classic 1950 horror flick, “I Was a Teenage Recluse,” the main character Leo Mizner, an obsessive introvert, avoids marauding monsters destroying his town by staying in his house and reading “Anna Karenina.” In the final, terrifying scene, Mizner foolishly opens his front door, and comes face-to-eyeballs with a family of flesh-eating Jehovah witness zombies. The credits roll as the creatures from the dead politely hand him a leaflet and have him for brunch.

Zombies are basically nice creatures once you get past the flesh-eating part, but they have always posed unique problems for introverts. How do you say, “Please look away while you devour me” without hurting their feelings? Better to simply lock your doors and windows, call the National Guard, and crawl into bed with a nice book.


Did Networking Make Mona Lisa Feel Like A Phony?

Mona.Lisa.smile.It’s very possible that Mona Lisa, the subject of Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece, was an introvert. Here is what some so-called experts, based on semi-scientific analysis of her facial expression, hazard to guess she’s thinking.

  • I wish I was home by myself picking bugs out of my dinner.
  • Stop looking at me, Leonardo! You’re making me feel self conscious!
  • Please, don’t ask again if I want to take a break. This small talk is killing me.
  • There must be some way I can get out of going to the unveiling dinner.
  • Give it up, da Vinci. This is as smiley as I get!
  • Stop complaining, Mona. At least this beats working in sales.

I Feel Pretty Drained

Maria_02An Illinois high school has a found a novel way to stage the Laurents / Bernstein / Sondheim musical classic West Side Story, while avoiding ethnic stereotypes.

Alphonse Capone High School Drama Club in suburban Chicago is replacing the traditional Anglo and Puerto Rican gangs with introverts and extroverts.

“We thought this would make the play more relatable,” said Drama Club faculty advisor Ramona Proscenium. “Who doesn’t identify with the group of extroverts dancing across an alley while snapping fingers, or a group of brooding introverts sitting quietly by themselves contemplating violence at a big dance?”

Staging a musical with introvert and extrovert street gangs has not been without challenges. For example, the Introvert gang appears together throughout the show, but only for short periods of time. Said Devin Harris who plays Tony, “My character can take only so much socialization. That’s why he sings most of his songs while reading a book in his bedroom.” The rest of the Introvert gang spends much of the show off stage, trying not to be noticed.

Timothy Cranston who plays Bernardo, the leader or the Extrovert gang says his character is incapable of being alone. “That’s why he’s the last one to leave the dance. You can see the tension build when he realizes he has to dance home, snapping his fingers by himself.”

The show’s most complex charter is Maria, an ambivert portrayed by Lucy Spitsink. “I have a dual personality. One moment I feel pretty. The next I’m oh so pretty. Maria is all over the place. The toughest part is singing duets with Tony since he’s always on the other side of town in his bedroom reading a book. But that’s the magic of theater.

How will the general public react to a West Side Story with Introvert and Extrovert gangs? Ms. Proscenium has her fingers crossed. “I’m hopeful people will be open to the idea, just as I’m hopeful they’ll love next semester’s show, “The Music Transgender Man.”

West Side Story, the introvert, extrovert musical premiers this Friday. Tickets are still available. If you plan to attend with a group please avoid small talk with any introverts who are attending alone.