College Alumni Notes That Didn’t Make the Final Cut

  • Emily Wells ’72 – After procrastinating for many years, I’m finally taking kazoo lessons.
  • Jacob Stein ’68 – I found my other pair of glasses.
  • Ernie Wallis ’10 – My wife and I joined a progressive political action committee which turned out to be a cult. It also partially explains why I’m writing this note with my own blood.
  • Cynthia Hastings ’12 – We adopted a beautiful Labrador retriever named Bailey and are now in a legal battle with its birth mother.
  • Nicholas Page ’78 – This year marks the twenty-fifth year our son has been living in our basement.
  • Nicholas Page Jr. ’91 – This year marks the twenty-fifth year I’ve been living in my parent’s basement.
  • George Stanky ’77 – My colleagues at the MIT Robotics department honored me with a lifetime achievement award. My wife, 38C-8D7 and I celebrated by taking a long-planned trip to Greece.
  • Alice Lerthy ’95 – Now that our last child has flown the nest, it’s just my husband, Lewis and I in our beautifully restored 20-room Victorian house. To give him more space, I’m building a 15-room she shed.
  • Tom Fortuna ’19 – I was honored by Subway for purchasing my 500th Footlong sandwich.
  • Ron Neel ’05 – I reconnected with Mary Strickland-Souza ’05 at our 15th reunion. Pending her divorce to Phil Souza ’05, we plan to move to Manhasset.
  • Phil Souza ’05 – I’m just beginning to get over the trauma of discovering my wife, Mary Strickland-Souza ’05 in Ron Neel ’05’s Holiday Inn room during our 15th reunion.
  • Ralph Willborne ’65 – I sold my company for 10 billion dollars. To this day, I still have no idea what we manufactured.
  • Lilly Tosh ’07 – Contrary to what you may have read in the news, our daughter Tiffany was accepted to our wonderful college on her own merit. Our $500,00 contribution to the school’s badminton program was purely coincidental.
  • Tara Tinsley ’15 – I’m currently on a book tour promoting my twelfth semi-autobiographical novel, “The Secret Life of a Lactose Intolerant Data Analyst.”
  • Steve Greely ’12 – I’m still living in my dorm room. This semester I will have audited my one thousandth course.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Speed Dating Saves Time. Why Not Speed Relationships?

Speed dating is a great way to quickly meet a lot of potential mates. Why spend an evening getting to know one person who likes candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach when you can meet ten or twenty?

Neil, a freelance card counter from Reno, Nevada has one gone one step further. He has embraced speed relationships. “I enjoy companionship, but I’m basically a solitary person who needs his own space. After 90 minutes with someone, I’m ready to move on, go home and stare into the abyss.”

Now, using dating apps, he’s had over 1000 fulfilling relationships in the last six months.

“Speed relationships perfectly suit my lifestyle. After meeting someone online, having a great dinner and an interesting conversation, I’m ready to suggest we should start seeing other people. It doesn’t mean I’m not a romantic. I’ll always cherish our hour together as well as the Ultimate Nachos special.”

Neil says speed relationships have other advantages.

  • It’s the one and only time you’ll meet. There’s no chance your date will ever complain, “We never go anywhere!”
  • Ambivalence about introducing your new girl or guy to your parents is never an issue – unless they’re sitting in the booth next to you.
  • Height disparities are irrelevant since the relationship will probably conclude with both people sitting down.
  • As long as you space your dates at least ten minutes apart, infidelity will never be an issue.
  • You’ll be long gone before the thrill is gone.

Consider giving speed relationships a try. And remember, love is never having to say, “I promise I’ll call you.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”