Do you seek the solitary life of a reclusive billionaire or James Bond villain, but lack the resources to buy a tropical island or build an army of bikini-clad robot security guards?
Even if you calculate your net worth in nickels and dimes, you can still live like a mad ruler of an isolated empire. Simply follow these easy steps.
Reconfigure your living space – With some creative decorating, you can make any studio apartment feel like a walled-off fortress in the Himalayas. Go heavy on the earth tones and add an audio loop of angry, exotic birds mating.
Stock 25 years of supplies – Plan carefully. For example, how will you feel about Dinty Moore Beef Stew after the 10,000th can.
Declare yourself ruler of your domain – Publish your manifesto on Facebook along with a photo of you wearing crown and scepter. Note: For added effect, make sure your Titanic movie poster is not in the background.
Security is essential – If your condo community forbids alligator-filled moats, consider hiring a retired snapping turtle to guard your foyer.
Adjust your personal hygiene to the new you – Because at last, you finally have the time to comb and curl your nose hairs.
A minimum amount of companionship is essential – Mechanical spouses or motorized significant others can be cost prohibitive. However, retrofitting an inflatable doll is a less expensive alternative. They are great listeners, tolerable lovers and never make demands on you.
Stay in touch with family and friends – Just because you’re off the grid doesn’t mean you can’t attend Thanksgiving dinners, family reunions and funerals via Skype.
Still feel having your own private paradise is beyond your reach? Remember: Introverts are incredible dreamers, a quality that enables them to accomplish practically anything in their minds. You may not live in a 100-story skyscraper surrounded by barbed wire on a tropical island. It doesn’t mean you can’t run a multinational envelope stuffing conglomerate from the comfort of your breakfast nook.
Whether you are an introvert who prefers meditating in the woods, having a delicious dinner-for-one at a fancy restaurant or simply enjoying a peaceful year or two in the comfortable confines of your studio apartment, the solitary life is for you.
The challenge is integrating your less-than-social lifestyle with the rest of your daily routine. Any business management consultant will tell you it’s not easy running a multinational corporation from your Barcalounger. However, just because your idea of a manageable crowd is you, Ben and Jerry does not mean you can’t have a fulfilling life without compromising your values or occasionally encountering a human or two.
It is time for the solitary and happy you to stand up, look at yourself in the mirror and proclaim proudly, “Even if I never leave this room, I can accomplish anything, and I don’t have to shave my armpits.”
Many people trace the discovery of introverts to Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung, a colleague of Sigmund Freud and tennis partner of a very young Dr. Phil. Before his ground-breaking theories on introversion, inwardly-thinking people who preferred being alone were considered possessed by arrogant and self-centered demons. Today, as a result of Jung’s research, a more-enlightened world views introverts as simply arrogant and self-centered.
The definition of introvert, like most forms of human behavior, depends on what turns up when you google it on the Internet. Generally speaking:
Introverts gain energy from being alone and lose energy while being in groups of people. Extroverts, on the other hand, gain energy from being with people. This explains why the most effective warmup exercise for introverted athletes is sitting peacefully in their locker.
Introverts find being in crowds of people stressful. They avoid large noisy parties, business conferences, and medical operations in which the surgeon has more than two assistants. Whereas extroverts enjoy sharing deodorant tips with total strangers while commuting in a packed subway car.
Introverts are more reserved and reflective than extroverts. In fact, most exhibit anger by slightly exhaling and checking for text messages.
Introverts take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, taking long walks in the woods and appearing unapproachable.
Introverts are more analytical and think before they talk, sometimes days before deciding if they “want fries with that.” Extroverts, on the other hand, think about what they said hours later while nursing a black eye.
Introverts do not enjoy small talk. In fact, few can chat about the weather unless the conversation includes, cold fronts, doppler radars and why female meteorologists always wear sleeveless dresses.
Introverts have deep, rich inner-lives. For example, most introverted law students typically think about unicorns and tangerines while taking the bar exam.
Many people possess characteristics of both introverts and extroverts. For example, some introverts can’t stop engaging in small talk with themselves, asking, “What do I do for a living?” and “How much did I pay for this house?” In most cases, however, one personality favors the other. This is also why few personal ads read: “Naughty extrovert wants to explore my less talkative side.”