• I never went to my junior or senior high school proms because I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t pronounce “cummerbund.”

 

• When people ask me, “What are you thinking?”, I always say what I think they want to hear – even if I’m thinking, “She should really have someone look at the mole.”

 

• When I die, I’d like to be buried laying on my side watching TV.

 

• The one thing I wish I could say to strangers is, “You really need to start using deodorant.”

 

• When asked at job interviews if I like working with people, I always say “yes.” If I was totally honest, I’d say: “No, I do my best work in a moderate-sized rental storage unit.”

 

• Whenever I wear a mask, I mumble disdainful things about people who aren’t wearing masks.

 

• When people in passing boats wave at me, I wave back, but my heart isn’t in it.

 

• I’m so bad at math I can’t even count calories.

 

• If we’re introduced, I won’t remember your name, but I will remember if you’re missing a tooth.

 

• When I voted during the last election, I took two “I Voted” stickers in case I forget to vote in the next election.

 

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”