Category: The Early Years

Bennett There, Done That

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Pro golfer Scottie Scheffler’s cute 14-month-old son Bennett may have stolen the show after his father won the British Open, but he has no idea what’s in store for him. Not because his father is a famous athlete, but because he is cursed with the first name, Bennett.

Take it from one Bennett to another: Life is not easy when most people cannot distinguish between your first and last name.

For me, it started in grade school when teachers asked, “Is Bennett your last name?” – until just days ago when a phone solicitor politely queried, “Am I speaking to Mr. Bennett?” I’m sure no one ever asked, “Am I speaking to Mr. Tony, Mr. Bennett Tony?”

And I have no doubt if I signed the Declaration of Independence, someone would have complained: “Hey Founder brain, it’s not Hancock, John and it’s not Bennett, Alper!”

When I was a young Bennett, the only other person with Bennett as a first name that I knew of was writer, publisher and all-around witty guy, Bennett Cerf – a Bennett, by the way, whose secretary was my wife’s mother, who no doubt would’ve been docked a week’s pay if she asked, “Is it Bennett Cerf of Cerf Bennett?” But he was a Bennett I viewed as more an exception than the rule.

This confusion with my first and last names reached a boiling point in high school when a new teacher asked, “Is Alper your first name?” What the hell, I thought, I answered, “Yes, my name is Al, Al Bennett.” For the rest of the semester, each time he called me Al, the class would burst into laughter. It was my first and last gig as a standup comic.

At some point, I gave up and began calling myself Ben – just like another not-so-well-known Bennett, Bennett Cohen of Ben and Jerry’s. This has reduced a lot of explanation time, although now I occasionally hear, “Do you know there’s actually a guy named Bennett Alper?”

So little Bennett Scheffler, enjoy your carefree adorable days while you can; it won’t be long before a daycare teacher scans her class list and asks, “Scheffler? Is there a Scheffler Bennett here?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Pre-Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries

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painter
What was the best time of your life – high school, college, your 20s, 30s or 40s?

Many introverts would go back to a womb of one’s own.

Why?

  • It’s the only time you could relax without bracing for human interaction – unless you were a twin or part of the Octomom’s brood.
  • Being alone was as normal as avoiding eye contact with everybody and everything, mainly because there wasn’t anybody or anything.
  • Life in the womb was the first and last time you were part of the “in” crowd, albeit a very small crowd.
  • You could be unapproachable to your heart’s content because no one approached you.
  • There was no agonizing small talk. Not once did anyone ask, “Nice womb, who’s your decorator?”
  • There were no self-doubts because there wasn’t a family therapist telling your parents, “There’s something wrong with that kid.”
  • No one asked, “Why are you so quiet?” Just as well since you didn’t know how to speak.

In short, it was the most normal you will ever feel – until a doctor slapped you while attempting to make small talk.

Question of the Week: How Did You Meet Your Inner Voice?

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Talk-to-Yourself

Patty: We met at a high school dance. Everyone ignored me. I felt lonely and depressed until I heard myself say, “Patty, the heck with them, let’s go home and read Anne of Green Gables.  We’ve been inseparable ever since.

Leo: I was lying in a large maternity ward wondering why I felt alone in the crowd. Out of nowhere a voice in my head began to speak: “Stop crying you babies, I’m trying to sleep; this kid next to me looks like he’s going to have a weight problem; where are my parents?”

Bob: In kindergarten, Donna Wheelwright told everyone I wet my blanket during nap time. I screamed to myself, “That’s not true, you made that up” continually for the next 22 years. It’s nice to know I can talk to me about anything.

Jesus Christ: I was going through some tough times and asked myself, “What would Jesus do?” The rest, as they say, is history.

Neil: Another voice in my head fixed us up. At first I thought I was full of myself and vain. Now I see it was my way of hiding my insecurities. I’ve really grown to love me.

Hillary: I was staring out the window during a Philosophy class at Wellesley College. The wind blew a wave of leaves across the Quad and I said to myself: “Marry a scoundrel and then eventually run for president.”

Candace: After grad school, I drove non-stop across the county in my old beat-up car to begin a job in San Diego. My new company refused to pay my moving expenses and I spent the entire trip cursing the head of H.R. This angry voice has become my closest friend in the business world.