Self-Helpless

He’s Just Not That Into all of You

12-angry-menWe invited the new guy at work to Karaoke Night. He did a spot-on version of “Alone Again Naturally.” We asked him to join us in “Macho Man” but he politely declined and went home to feed his cat. We’ve also asked him to Kazakhstan Folk Dancing Night and Greco Roman Jell-O Wrestling Night. Each time he said no. He’s a nice guy and we want him to be part of our gang. Does he hate us?

He’s just not that into all of you. He’s an introvert. If you want to spend more time with him suggest something he might enjoy; for example, contemplating climate change.

We had a wonderful orgy last week. Everything was perfect, from the buffet to the complimentary Moist Towelettes. However, there was one woman who just sat by herself and didn’t want to join us (literally). We suspect she’s seeing other orgies. Why doesn’t she want to join our evening of debauchery?

She’s just not that into all of you. She’s an introvert. Quiet threesomes are probably more her thing.

For 17 years I’ve had a long-distance relationship with a Tibetan monk. For the past eight years he’s promised to join me on the road with my three sisters. We’re professional groupies for a Spinal Tap tribute band. But he always cancels with some lame excuse like “I’ve never traveled outside my village” or “The loudest noise I can tolerate is the sound of a rain drop touching a leaf.” Why won’t he meet me and my sisters? Could he be gay?

He’s just not that into all of you. He’s an introvert. Tibetan monk life-of-the-parties are uncommon. Try a lapsed evangelical Christian.

We had a new volunteer at our food bank. Everyone loved her. She was friendly and really knew her expiration dates. After a while, though, she became distant. She appeared lost in her thoughts, her high-fives lacked enthusiasm, and would only mouth the Tuna Can Sort Song. Eventually she stopped volunteering. We think she has non-profit organization commitment issues. How do we convince her she needs us?

She’s just not that into all of you. She’s an introvert. Have you considered letting her distribute pallets of bread from her apartment?

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