Don’t Help! I Need Nobody

introvert_roommate_03Cecile Sowhat

Being introverted used to bother me. As the years pass, however, I’ve grown more comfortable in my reclusive skin – even when my eczema flares up.

I used to think, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so averse to social interaction?” Then I realized the one person who can make me happy has been in my head all the time. I may seem like a quiet soul, but put me in a room with my own thoughts and you can’t shut us up.

I love sitting all day in a chair while contemplating back support and Barcaloungers. The fire department occasionally breaks down my door to see if I’m alive. That’s enough social stimulation for me.

There was a time I tried to fit in with the rest of the world. I even belonged to a sorority in college. My sisters meant well, but there’s a name for that kind of non-stop friendliness, affection and emotional support: hazing.

Relationships have always been challenging. I dated one woman for three years. We were inseparable until she returned from her job overseas. She was a great gal but I felt lost without our long periods of separation, plus I missed the mind-blowing long-distance sexting.

My parents are extroverts and have never understood me. How else can you explain them fixing me up with Frank Sinatra Jr.? (Nice guy, though. When it became obvious we weren’t hitting it off, he sent me Nancy’s phone number.) It’s only been recently I’ve been able to look at them indirectly in the eye and say, “Mom, Dad, I love you.”

A wise man – okay, a pretty bright lyricist – once said, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” For some people maybe, but not if you don’t mind a fireman’s ax crashing through your door now and then.

Cecile Singular wrote the best-selling book, Become a Millionaire without Leaving Your Closet.

 

 

Backseat to Basics

back_of_classroom_04For many introverts, home is where the heart is sitting behind the other hearts.

When introverts enter a classroom – or any room – many look for that one special seat in the back. It beckons: “Come, sit, relax, away from the maddening class.”

Contrary to popular opinion, observing the world from the rearmost view isn’t so bad. Are you really concerned that your dying words will be, “Why wasn’t I friendlier with that girl in sophomore geometry class who always sat in the front row and did her homework on time?”

If you choose to be a back sitter, here are some tips to make your stay more enjoyable.

  • Sit behind a large person. They’re great shields and provide effective soundproofing.
  • Always have at least 10 excuses handy for when you’re caught staring out the window. For example: a) I think I just figured out a cure for cancer. b) That’s exactly how the sky looked on the day I was placed in an orphanage.
  • Never sit behind a student who participates enthusiastically in class. Watching an arm continually rise for attention causes severe exhaustion.
  • If your lifelong dream is be a ventriloquist, never use students sitting more than 10-feet away as practice dummies.
  • As a courtesy, always share your seat with other introverts. Simply get up, point to the chair, and of course, avoid eye contact.

 

Pre-Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries

painter
What was the best time of your life – high school, college, your 20s, 30s or 40s?

Many introverts would go back to a womb of one’s own.

Why?

  • It’s the only time you could relax without bracing for human interaction – unless you were a twin or part of the Octomom’s brood.
  • Being alone was as normal as avoiding eye contact with everybody and everything, mainly because there wasn’t anybody or anything.
  • Life in the womb was the first and last time you were part of the “in” crowd, albeit a very small crowd.
  • You could be unapproachable to your heart’s content because no one approached you.
  • There was no agonizing small talk. Not once did anyone ask, “Nice womb, who’s your decorator?”
  • There were no self-doubts because there wasn’t a family therapist telling your parents, “There’s something wrong with that kid.”
  • No one asked, “Why are you so quiet?” Just as well since you didn’t know how to speak.

In short, it was the most normal you will ever feel – until a doctor slapped you while attempting to make small talk.