A team of archaeologists excavating an ancient apothecary under a Roanoke, Virginia CVS discovered the remains of the world’s oldest known introvert. Scientists call the 130,000-year-old skeleton, Homo Standoffish and nicknamed her Alma. She provides a glimpse into the early age of introversion and differs from other humans discovered from this era.
Alma preferred staying in her cave alone and reading wall paintings. She rarely socialized with other Homo sapiens. When she did, she preferred long, intense conversations about not being killed by a large animal.
She occasionally attended fertility rituals and human sacrifices but often fled large gatherings after a short time to “recharge.”
Small talk was problematic for Alma because people’s vocabulary at that time was limited to three or four grunts. Most party talk consisted of “How do you know the host?” and “I thought the host had been eaten by a lion.”
Alma had a rich inner life and was the first creature to obsess on two legs.
She spent most of her adulthood (18 months) as property of an extrovert Troglodyte who frequently asked her, “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you grunting?” The couple had three children, one of whom, an introvert, had a brief career as a freelance forager.
As with most introverts, Alma never felt comfortable being the center of attention. She had good reason to feel that way after finding herself surrounded by a neighboring tribe who overreacted to her satiric cave mural, “Toothless Fools.” Fortunately, she died of old age before the horde could sacrifice her to no one in particular.
Plans are being made for Alma’s remains to be exhibited at the National Museum of Solitude and Tranquility.