Sure, injecting disinfectant into the body as suggested by President Trump might cause 99 or 100 percent of sick patients to die, but as he says, isn’t it worth taking a chance?
And while we’re on the subject, why aren’t we testing other household cleaning products. One person’s (or practically everyone’s) lethal prescription could be another’s medical breakthrough.
Think of the possibilities:
- Scrubbing Bubbles has products that clean everything, from your toilet to your shower. It only makes sense that one of them could put the shine back in your liver.
- Why spend countless dollars on surgery when a simple application (or two) of Drano can instantly clear a clogged heart valve?
- Do you know who really benefits from cataract surgery? The insurance companies. Perhaps that’s why none of them will pay for a simple squirt of Windex.
I’m not criticizing Dr. Fauci. I’m sure he’s a qualified immunologist. But has he, like President Trump, watched countless hours of Fox News hosts pitch insightful softball questions at some of the world’s great medical minds like Doctors Oz, Drew and Phil?
The president may not have a medical degree or know the difference between a ventilator and a George Foreman grill, but as he says, “I like this stuff. I really get it.” That’s enough medical knowledge for me. After all, whom would you rather be examined by: a doctor who is totally familiar with every part of the anatomy—even the ones you hardly ever use—or a clinician whose great instincts tell him your heart is located somewhere in your upper torso?
Let’s support the president. Be open minded the next time he says, “That guest with the tin-foil hat who Judge Jeanine interviewed said chugalugging Pine-Sol will kill the coronavirus. Isn’t it worth a try?”
After all, who wouldn’t want their corpse to have a forest green scent?
Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”