• I have enough toilet paper.
• My wife and I are getting along even though we don’t always agree on disinfecting etiquette.
• Since I’m an introvert, I’ve adapted easily to social distancing. Quite frankly, I was disappointed when I heard it was six feet and not six miles.
• After being asked for lifetime, “How come you never smile?’, I love wearing a medical mask. It means I no longer have to lie and respond, “I’m grieving over the death of my pet ameba, Lewis.”
• I’ve learned to appreciate food that most shoppers don’t hoard—like seagull-flavored gelato.
• My political action committee has only been Zoom bombed once, by a lonely naked guy who has since become the only group member who truly gets me.
• When listening to Bob Fosse musicals, my jazz hands are just as expressive with nitrile gloves.
• Since I’ve always worked at home, I already have cubicles for me and my dog.
• I live in a state which places more importance in increasing testing than reopening tattoo parlors and Waffle Houses.
• Did I say I have enough toilet paper?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”