Category: New_Abnormal

The New Abnormal: Preparing For A Job Interview

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Finding work in any job market is not easy. Finding work in today’s “new normal” job market is even tougher. The key, as always, is to stand out among the crowd. Here are some tips that can help give you an edge up on the competition.

  • Research the company with which you’ll be interviewing. For example, does it have a comprehensive COVID-19 policy? Or do they have Friday afternoon hydroxychloroquine chugging parties?
  • Wearing a mask is now standard garb for all interviews. Wearing a ski mask is only required when interviewing for an armed robbery team.
  • Many job interviews are now conducted by phone. Avoid rookie mistakes like asking, “How much does the job pay?” or “What are you wearing?”
  • Job interviews are also now conducted on video conferencing apps like Zoom and Facetime. Dress appropriately during these meetings. For example, avoid wearing outfits that reveal large tattoos – particularly tattoos on your buttocks.
  • Your background during video interviews also says a lot about you. A neatly organized bookcase is good. A neatly stacked pile of empty Ben & Jerry containers is not.
  • Have an updated resume available. And remember, you haven’t been laying on your couch for the past five months. You’ve been doing research on binge watching Netflix during a pandemic.
  • Treat everyone you encounter with respect. For instance, this may be the first time you’ve spoken to a human being in months, but don’t blame anyone for the fact your boyfriend left you for the Grubhub delivery guy.
  • Don’t appear resentful if your interviewer uses your “I guess this is the new normal” line before you have a chance to.
  • Don’t say anything negative about your previous employers – particularly the employer who fired you for self-quarantining in her executive bathroom.
  • Score a success in the first five minutes. In this day and age, the company may declare bankruptcy after that.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

 

Ask Robot Woman

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Dear Robot Woman,

Ashley and I had been dating for twelve and one half hours before deciding to move in together. Minutes later we were in lock-down.

In retrospect, we may have rushed things. It’s now been five months and I still haven’t gotten used to her whistling through her nose while she flosses her teeth. And for some unexplained reason, she seems irritated by my yodeling during sex.

I realize it takes time for couples to get to know each other, but have we jumped the cohabitating gun?

Suffocating in Southampton

Dear Southampton,

Living together often gets off to a rocky start, but your differences may not be insurmountable. Just because someone whistles while they floss shouldn’t make you ignore their better qualities, like healthy gums. And who hasn’t yodeled a tune or two while in the throes of passionate lovemaking?

The important thing to remember is love conquers all, except in my case, getting use to a cyborg that processes data with its mouth full. There are, after all, limits to everything.

Dear Robot Woman,

I’m dating a guy who is perfect in almost every way except for one thing: He doesn’t believe in wearing a mask — anywhere. He thinks it’s a violation of his constitutional rights, plus he loves catching insects with his tongue. He claims they’re a great source of protein.

His refusal to wear face covering has already cost him nine jobs including four as an operating surgeon. I know he’s wrong, but every time I threaten to leave him he surprises me with a romantic dinner of broiled crickets. After that, I’m putty in his hands. Should I give him another chance or find a more responsible partner who doesn’t bug me.

Hopping helpless in Tuscaloosa

Dear Hopping,

So you’re worried about ending a relationship with a selfish man who isn’t concerned about transmitting a deadly disease; who catches insects with his tongue; and whose idea of romance is serving you a plate of dead insects?

Give me a call. I’d like to introduce you to my sister’s no-good, unemployed android that still lives in her basement.

Robot Woman is a friend and colleague of Ben Alper who writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

It’s Our Constitutional Right to (Insert here)!

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Thank you, amateur legal scholars who’ve enlightened us about rules and regulations that violate our Constitutional rights. Without you, how would we know:

  • The government has no right to make us wear a mask in public, except on Halloween.
  • The Second Amendment clearly gives us the right a register and protect ourselves with a bazooka.
  • Nowhere in the Bill of Rights does it say anything about sharing a restroom with women who used to be named Phil.

When it comes to violating our most basic human and Constitutional rights, our overreaching government is just getting started.

Consider the following:

  • Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. be dammed, we have a right to yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater — and then yell, “No, I really mean it, Fire!”
  • Don’t let anyone tell you differently. It is our Constitutional right to say “Merry Christmas” at a Passover Seder.
  • Regardless of what you read in the Harvard Law Review, no one can stop you from co-owning a timeshare with your pet miniature schnauzer.
  • It goes without saying, the Second Amendment grants us the right to bear arms including your own personal B-1 bomber.
  • Ignore those lefties at the New York Times. If you are a justice of the peace, you have every right to refuse marrying two Civil War reenactors dressed as General Ulysses S. Grant.
  • Ask yourself this? Where in the Declaration of Independence does it say we can’t fire off illegal fireworks in our living rooms?
  • Free enterprise is the bedrock of our country. Don’t let any health inspector tell you your restaurant can’t sell hydroxychloroquine smoothies.
  • And speaking of health, Obamacare be dammed, we must never give up the right to  purchase a health plan that costs more than the gross national income of Sri Lanka.
  •  I dare you to find anything in the Federalists Papers that says you can’t fly on Delta, TWA or United Airlines with a rabid service dog.
  • Our country was founded on the belief in God. We should be able to attend any church service that has a reasonable COVID-19 infection rate.

Stay vigilant, patriots!

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

 

Thoughts While in Introvert Lockdown

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  • Voted Most Likely to Have Resting Bitch Face — While taking a break from obsessing about nothing in particular, I perused my high school senior yearbook. As I thumbed through page after page of graduating senior photos, one thing stood out: Numerous classmate’s facial expressions were as grim as mine often is. In fact, they looked as if they were about to testify in front of a grand jury. And me? There I was, Mr. Bitchface beaming brighter than a Florida orange juice commercial. The irony of it all made me break out in a semi-grimace.
  • This is why you always see rabbits dining alone — According to the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences, introverts are more likely to eat plant-based diets. It also explains why the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) questionnaire doesn’t ask “How would you like your steak cooked?”
  • Extroverts ahoy! — I was standing on a wharf near my house, and a pleasure boat loaded with happy passengers pulled up. They waived at me. I waived back. I felt a bit uncomfortable but also smugly proud. As my hand moved slowly back and forth, I thought: “This won’t suffice for a deep conversation, but I’m sure it will make you feel validated. And by the way, why aren’t any of you wearing masks?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Things I’m Selfishly Thankful for During the COVID-19 Pandemic

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  • I have enough toilet paper.
  • My wife and I are getting along even though we don’t always agree on disinfecting etiquette.
  • Since I’m an introvert, I’ve adapted easily to social distancing. Quite frankly, I was disappointed when I heard it was six feet and not six miles.
  • After being asked for lifetime, “How come you never smile?’, I love wearing a medical mask. It means I no longer have to lie and respond, “I’m grieving over the death of my pet ameba, Lewis.”
  • I’ve learned to appreciate food that most shoppers don’t hoard—like seagull-flavored gelato.
  • My political action committee has only been Zoom bombed once, by a lonely naked guy who has since become the only group member who truly gets me.
  • When listening to Bob Fosse musicals, my jazz hands are just as expressive with nitrile gloves.
  • Since I’ve always worked at home, I already have cubicles for me and my dog.
  • I live in a state which places more importance in increasing testing than reopening tattoo parlors and Waffle Houses.
  • Did I say I have enough toilet paper?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

No Representation Without Self-Gratification — Election Commission Meeting Interrupted by Man Masturbating on Zoom

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nakedman_02A virtual meeting of the Indiana Election Commission on the Zoom online video platform was disrupted by a video of a man masturbating.

I realize that every voice in a democracy should be heard. But should we respect every comment, cry and groan?

And what was this guy, who obviously cares about election procedures, thinking about while polishing his banister? It’s certainly something to ponder the next time your caressing hand so gently inserts your vote into a ballot box.

This is not to imply that self-pleasuring people cannot have valid opinions about important issues of the day. In fact, I have to give this man some credit. Many people are too lazy to even vote. This bishop choker not only attended the meeting but “took over the single screen shared among commission members, numerous state and county election officials and members of the media.” Less civic-minded citizens have skipped elections to stay home and wax their cars.

Maybe it’s time we start giving some — not all — public turtle burpers their due. Some may have deep-seated problems that require tons of professional help. That does not mean, aside from their uncontrollable libidos, they aren’t standup citizens who care about their country.

The next time your online city council meeting is interrupted by a heavy-breathing man cuffing his carrot, don’t be outraged, don’t be repulsed, don’t insist the self-abusing scoundrel should not count as part of a quorum. Simply look away and say, “Thank you for your service.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”