Ask Robot Woman


Dear Robot Woman,

Ashley and I had been dating for twelve and one half hours before deciding to move in together. Minutes later we were in lock-down.

In retrospect, we may have rushed things. It’s now been five months and I still haven’t gotten used to her whistling through her nose while she flosses her teeth. And for some unexplained reason, she seems irritated by my yodeling during sex.

I realize it takes time for couples to get to know each other, but have we jumped the cohabitating gun?

Suffocating in Southampton

Dear Southampton,

Living together often gets off to a rocky start, but your differences may not be insurmountable. Just because someone whistles while they floss shouldn’t make you ignore their better qualities, like healthy gums. And who hasn’t yodeled a tune or two while in the throes of passionate lovemaking?

The important thing to remember is love conquers all, except in my case, getting use to a cyborg that processes data with its mouth full. There are, after all, limits to everything.

Dear Robot Woman,

I’m dating a guy who is perfect in almost every way except for one thing: He doesn’t believe in wearing a mask — anywhere. He thinks it’s a violation of his constitutional rights, plus he loves catching insects with his tongue. He claims they’re a great source of protein.

His refusal to wear face covering has already cost him nine jobs including four as an operating surgeon. I know he’s wrong, but every time I threaten to leave him he surprises me with a romantic dinner of broiled crickets. After that, I’m putty in his hands. Should I give him another chance or find a more responsible partner who doesn’t bug me.

Hopping helpless in Tuscaloosa

Dear Hopping,

So you’re worried about ending a relationship with a selfish man who isn’t concerned about transmitting a deadly disease; who catches insects with his tongue; and whose idea of romance is serving you a plate of dead insects?

Give me a call. I’d like to introduce you to my sister’s no-good, unemployed android that still lives in her basement.

Robot Woman is a friend and colleague of Ben Alper who writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”