• “I don’t like make excuses, but Hitler had more support in his bunker.”
• “Dammit! I won’t be able to appoint the first Hell’s Angels member to a cabinet position.”
• “I was very specific about this: I wanted an October, not December surprise!”
• “Did Fauci just give me the finger on CNN?”
• “Rudy says we can still void all the California votes.”
• “I don’t understand it; we had such great hats.”
• “New retroactive executive order: We sold Pennsylvania to Portugal.”
• “I told you we should’ve used the pictures of Hunter Biden with Jane Fonda in Hanoi.”
• “What do you mean Putin now has an unlisted number?”
• “I don’t care if it’s screwed to the floor. I’m taking the Oval Office desk with me.”
• “Ivanka, Jared, get in here. We’re doing a group self-pardon.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”