• The only time I’ve felt comfortable in a crowd was at my intervention.
• Show me a lonely billionaire, and I’ll show you someone incapable of building a robot friend.
• I know I should love myself, but I’m not ready for a committed relationship.
• I cried because I had no shoes until someone said, “You have lovely toes.”
• I don’t like to rush people. Whenever I take someone’s picture, I always say, “Count to 250 and say cheese.”
• Bad conversation starter: Nice shopping cart. Where did you steal it?
• You are on a train that leaves the station at noon. The train is 187 miles from its destination at 2:45 p.m. and 90 miles from its destination at 4:15 p.m. How far will the train travel before you speak to the passenger sitting next to you?
• I coulda been a contender, but I’m horrible at job interviews.
• Networking tip: Share your experiences. People may not connect your face with your business card, but they’ll never forget the woman who talked about her alien abduction.
• If I always listened with my heart, what would I do with my ears? 

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”