Years from now when a descendant searches for his or her ancestors using one of those DNA kits and my name pops up, will I do them proud?
Perhaps it’s time for me to get my legacy in order. The question is how?
- Should I launch an expedition in search of a long, lost continent, or hike to the nearest neighborhood with an outstanding coffee shop?
- Maybe it’s time I cancel my upcoming appearance on “Hoarders.”
- It might also be the time to finally unfriend Geraldo Rivera on Facebook.
- Should I burn every unflattering picture of myself, or should I Photoshop them with six pack abs?
- It couldn’t hurt adding more death-defying feats to my dating profile.
- And while I’m at it, it may be time to take down my GoFundMe site for world peace and a new modular sofa.
- It might also be time to talk to my lawyer about divorcing some of my wives.
- And finally, should I stop entering hot dog eating contests just to get a free meal?
Even if I did all of this, my future distant relatives may still think, “Meh, ‘being cited for exemplary personal hygiene’ is nice, but I was really hoping for a president or a pirate.”
I’ll stick with the free modular sofa.
Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”