If Abraham Lincoln Hired a 21st Century Teenage Speechwriter

Four score and, like, seven years ago our fathers, like, brought forth upon this continent, a new nation, like, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to, like, the proposition that, like, all men are, like, created equal.

Now we are, like, engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or, like, any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can, like, long endure. We are met on, like, a great battle-field of that war. We have come to, like, dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for, like, those who here gave their lives that that nation, like, might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that, like, we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not, like, dedicate—we can not, like, consecrate—we can not, like, hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have, like, consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or, like, detract. The world will, like, little note, nor, like, long remember what we say here, but it can never, like, forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be, like, dedicated here to the unfinished work which, like, they who fought here have thus far so, like, nobly advanced. It is rather for us to, like, be here dedicated to the great task remaining, like, before us—that from these honored dead we take, like, increased devotion to that cause for which they, like, gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly, like, resolve that these dead shall not have, like, died in, like. vain—that this nation, under God, shall, like, have a new birth of freedom—and that government, like, of the people, by the people, for the people, shall, like, not perish from, like, the earth.

— Abraham Lincoln and Zoe

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Embrace Your Ineptitude

I used to obsess about my deficiencies Now I embrace them For example I used to beat myself up over being bad at punctuation Now I never worry about it

For years I hated what I perceived was my inability to have a normal relationship with another person Once I stopped trying to be perfect or even slightly less than middling I became a happier person Soon I developed a deep and meaningful relationship with a man or it might have been woman named Charlie whom I’ve never met in person but who loves me for what I am and the monthly bitcoin deposits I deposit in his or her account

Until recently I thought no one would ever publish my exhaustively researched 1378 page one sentence historical novel about the first known crew of 16th century asexual pirates Then surprise I found a semi workable laser printer in a dumpster and shazam my book is now for sale on Craigslist.

It doesn’t matter how many times you’re fired from jobs What is important is feeling good about yourself after yet another boss catches you turning tricks in the janitor’s closet and tells you to clear out your desk When a soon to be ex supervisor yells Without a doubt you are THE MOST incompetent person who has ever worked for this company it’s just another way of saying you are special

Remember life is not a win lose proposition Yes being competent and wildly successful has its perks but no one’s obituary ever included the words He always forgot to ask Do you want that Supersized

No matter how inept you are the key to a happy life is always feeling good about yourself even if you are really bad at feeling good about yourself And if that’s too hard well feeling meh is nothing to shake a stick at

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”