My Most Intimate Secrets Revealed

  • Madonna once asked me to spend a wild night of sex with her, but I gave up because the line was too long.
  • I’m an obsessive compulsive who’s never been fired, because my bosses know it would take years for me to clean out my desk.
  • My artificial leg is actually transplanted from a llama.
  • In a previous life, I believe I was a blood thirsty Roman warrior with unresolved anger issues.
  • Whenever I wash my hands in public restrooms I only pretend to dry them by making the sounds of a blower.
  • I’ve never had a desire to dress like a woman, but there was a time when I bought a shirt that buttoned on the wrong side and thought I looked great in it.
  • I’m terrified my obituary will read: “He delivered his entire Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech while staring at the chest of a woman who was sitting in the third row.”
  • The face mask I’ve been wearing for the past year is actually painted on.
  • The only thing that has prevented my dream of riding in an outlaw motorcycle gang is my fear of chafing.
  • When I’m really lonely, I text myself and ask, “You up?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”