Real quick thoughts

• I don’t mind being a celebrity, although sometimes I wish my groupies would help me fold my sheets at the laundromat.
• Before I die, I want to see how sausage is made.
• If you capture everyone’s hearts, are you obligated to release at least some?

I believe

If you’re trying to project a devil-may-care attitude, you should never show up on a blind date with a lawyer holding prenuptial agreement.

Has this ever happened to you?

Are you, like me, quiet and solitary? If so, you’ll understand how annoying it is when people badger me with bothersome questions like: “Why were you staring in my window?” “Suspect number three, would you please turn to your left?” And of course, “Are you hiding anything illegal in your lower intestine?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”