No one has asked, but if I receive a LinkedIn message in regards to becoming the next president of Harvard University, I might come in for an interview.
But first:
I would gather my family and gently ask how they feel about me giving up my long-time career scavenging trash cans for deposit bottles.
I would hire a computer specialist to scour the Internet and delete any posting in which I used the word “fart” or referred to “my dear friend and former tennis partner Jeffery Epstein.”
I would pledge to Harvard University’s Board of Overseers that I would faithfully and responsibly represent the institution; but only if I was not required to wear a necktie.
I would assure Harvard that I have never plagiarized a word or even a quotation mark – depending on their definition of plagiarize.
And finally, if I’m ever hauled in front of a congressional hearing at which I’m accused of anything, I pledge to raise a middle digit and say, “Talk to the finger.”
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”
Living Inside My Head 