Month: August 2024

Undecided About The Undecided

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

People who are undecided about presidential and other major elections drive me crazy. The difference between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris/Joe Biden/Hillary Clinton? It’s so obvious. Why can’t they see that?

Can they not find one miniscule difference that would allow them to choose one candidate over the other? How difficult can that be?

It makes me want to explode. And then I think…about the many times in my life when I couldn’t make a decision about things that are plainly obvious to most people.

Things like what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Should I make eye contact or bend down and pretend I’m tying my shoe?

Should I sing along with everybody even though I don’t like singing along with groups of people?

When I reach a fork in the road, should I flip a coin or say “eeny, meeny, miny, moe”?

Who am I to judge?

I’m sure many annoying folks ahead of me in fast food restaurants lines, who take forever deciding between a Whopper and a Whopper with cheese, know exactly whom they’ll be voting for in the next election.

So, should I empathize with voters who cannot decide whom to check off on their ballots?

Yikes! I can’t decide!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Why I Failed as a Tour Guide

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

As the sign on this house says, “George Washington slept here,” although how much he slept was questionable since he affectionately called it Tavern Wench Central.

After the Roman Colosseum was finished, it was sold to a young family starting out. However, they quickly realized it was much too big for them. Eventually, they sold it and moved into a moderate-sized mausoleum.

Over here is the work table where Alexander Graham Bell made the first collect phone call. The person receiving the call, however, refused to accept the charges.

The Tigris and Euphrates rivers were originally named Nan and Doug.

Interesting fact: I am actually a descendent of Davy Crockett. In fact, I never do my taxes each year without wearing my lucky coonskin hat.

The pyramids were actually the world’s first timeshare apartments. But sales lagged because the top units that had no stairs.

The Erie Canal was actually dug by an anal-retentive family of beavers. Their names escape me.

I’m sorry, I don’t remember much about the Alamo.

Atilla the Hun was his actual name, although he spent his life trying to convince people to call him Gary the Hun.

And now I’m going to tell you about the softer side of Adolf Hitler.

Practically no one believes President Chester B. Arthur was a crossdresser, but let me just say this: The man could fill out an evening gown.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”