Herman Melville – “The hardest thing about dating is finding an attractive woman who likes to talk about whaling.”
Attila the Hun – “In my free time I like invading and tap dancing.”
Jack the Ripper – “The most interesting thing about me is how I got my nickname.”
Napoleon Bonaparte – “My biggest weakness is focusing too much on my career, but those countries aren’t going to be conquered by themselves.”
Muhammad – “I try not to focus on one thing. That’s why I’m a spiritual and a political leader.”
Oedipus – “I get along fine with my mother, but I won’t lie, it can be complicated.”
Vincent van Gogh – “What was your question? I’m kind of hard of hearing.”
Alexander Graham Bell – “The most annoying thing for me is when I’m cut off while trying to send a telegraph.”
Amelia Earhart – “No, we don’t need to ask for directions.”
Charles Dickens – “She was a great kisser. She was a sloppy kisser.”
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”
Living Inside My Head 