You want to respond to an article you’ve read in a newspaper or magazine. How can you increase the chances your thoughtful and compelling letter will be published? Rule number one: It is always about you. Here are some examples:

• Having lived my life as a modern interpretive dancer trapped in the body of a certified public accountant, I question writer Phyllis Foster’s thesis that people who can’t balance their checkbook are pansexual.
• Your profile of football legend Johnny Unitas brought back memories of the time I dropped acid with Bart Starr.
• As someone who was abducted by space aliens and endured six months of daily full-body cavity searches, I agree with Dr. Ross Sturgeon’s guidance in his piece, “The Importance of Regular Colonoscopy Screening for Colorectal Cancer.”
• I am a direct descendent of one of Julias Ceaser’s illegitimate children, and totally disagree with the article, “Lizzie Borden’s Parents Had It Coming.”
• Gerhard Flixter’s flawless coverage of high school marching bands brought back visceral memories of tuba jam sessions during my 90s youth in Knockemstiff, Ohio.
• Kelefa Sanneh’s insightful deep dive into the world of septic tank construction and maintenance omitted mention of my great great grandfather, Leon Flushman, the inventor of the outlet pipe.
• I was delighted to read Nora Plotsky’s brilliant piece on 1940s film stars who could not roll their Rs. As the speech coach who taught Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to sing without a lisp, I only wish I could have been there to help Lauren Bacall master “Ay, caramba!”
• Being custodian of the letters from the Ty-D-Bol Man, I take issue with the recent piece, “A Custodian of Letters is Nothing More Than an Exalted Janitor.”
• Loraine Kimblebee’s thoughtful meditation on underwater karaoke clubs reminded me of the time oceanographer Jacques Cousteau bet me I couldn’t gargle a mouthful of goldfish.
• When I began a long-term relationship with journalist Leon Paxton, I didn’t realize I would become the subject of his three-part series, “A Ravishing Chatbot Named Zelda Destroyed My Marriage.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”